• It’s time to smack some people upside their heads

    Some people just need to be smacked upside their damn heads. There’s just no way around it.

    I have to start the smacks at the top with President Barack Obama for not getting us out of Afghanistan yesterday. No way should our military be parked in the middle of a wasteland where warring tribes from the 6th century with no interest in being a functioning country blow each other to hell and back. Barack should’ve smacked his generals upside the head long ago.

    Senator John McCain needs a smack upside his head. Obviously there’s the belated smack for running a 2008 presidential campaign with a slogan of “Country First” while simultaneously giving his slogan the finger by selecting a brain dead bimbette who proved not only was she unqualified to be vice-president but unqualified to be much more than a letter turner on “Wheel of Fortune.” But McCain needs a current smack because he never finds a war he’s not willing to engage. Whether it’s Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Libya or Syria he’s always the first to recommend America blow something the hell up.

    The NRA’s Wayne LaPierre needs a good smack upside his head. If you have to ask why, smack yourself upside your own head. If it looks like the man is wearing red gloves all the time, don’t be alarmed. That’s just the blood on his hands.

    Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, the alleged Boston Marathon bomber, needs a smack upside his head before any other punishment is meted out upon his conviction. Just for being a dumbass. The guy doesn’t strike fear in your heart like seeing a photo of Mohammad Atta did after 9/11. This numbnuts had one gun between he and his brother and apparently one brain as they had no escape route planned after setting off their crude bombs, no money, no car and no snacks as they stopped at a gas station for food and let their hostage escape.

    Texas governor Rick Perry, the mental midget who was leading in the 2011 Republican primary polls until he started to talk, recently demanded an apology after the Sacramento Bee newspaper ran a cartoon he found offensive. In the first panel standing before a sign that read “Low regs. Low taxes” was a caricature of Perry giving a speech saying, “Things are booming in Texas.” The next panel showed the West Fertilizer plant explosion with a huge “Boom!” written across the fireball. It’s not the cartoonist or the Bee that should be apologizing but Perry, his state’s regulatory agencies and the plant itself. Someone smack the governor in his hollow head, please.

    Media critic Howard Kurtz needs a good slap after blasting NBA center Jason Collins, who came out as gay in a Sports Illustrated article, for not mentioning in the article that Collins had been engaged to a woman. The problem is Collins did mention his ex-fiancé’ in the article. Kurtz was fired by the Daily Beast for the error. Everyone makes mistakes but this one was so basic. It’s right there in the article. And Kurtz, as host of CNN’s “Reliable Sources,” makes a living turning a critical eye on the media.

    The Rolling Stones, no matter how hard they rock, need smacks upside their cadaverous heads for charging between $250-$600 a ticket for their opening concert at the Staples Center in Los Angeles. According to published reports, Mick Jagger is worth over $300 million. Their drummer is worth $160 million. But of course, this is the free market and they can charge what the market can bear. Well, obviously the market voted no as the Staples Center didn’t sell out until tickets were dropped to $85. Hey Mick, you can’t always get what you want.

    Yes, Reese Witherspoon needs a smack upside her head for having the balls to pull out the old “Do you know who I am?” cliché while being arrested for obstruction of justice. She’s performed in over 40 movies and television programs and won numerous awards including an Academy Award for Best Actress for her role in “Walk the Line.” So, yes, we know who you are. You’re the latest Hollywood starlet that proves being drunk on alcohol and intoxicated with fame isn’t pretty.

    Speaking of Hollywood train wrecks, Lindsay Lohan has earned a smack with an interview with Piers Morgan in the Daily Mail where she says she’s not an alcoholic, was never a big drinker, and has only done cocaine four or five times in her life. She also says there are things she could be doing other than rehab that would benefit her more. There’s no law against being in denial but it does earn you a head smack.

    Though the column ends here for now, the list doesn’t. There will always be the idiotic, the moronic, the dysfunctional and the assholic who need a good cuff upside the noggin to set them straight.



    • Loved this Kelvin. And yes, smack them all.


      • Maya North

      • May 9, 2013 at 1:18 pm
      • Reply

      Can I help? I have that red belt in martial arts — and more names to add to your list 😉 Hugs 😀



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