• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

      Columnist
    • May 6, 2013 in Columnists

    Jerk-off of the week: brown recluse spider that killed Jeff Hanneman

    Slayer guitarist Jeff Hanneman was pronounced dead of liver failure at the age of 49 near his home in Southern California on May 2, 2013.  He was half of the two-guitar attack alongside bandmate Kerry King that made Slayer so exciting, frantic and unique. 

    Hanneman wrote some of Slayer’s most popular songs including Seasons in the Abyss, War Ensemble, Raining Blood, Angel of Death and Mandatory Suicide.  His lyrics included many taboo and dark topics like murder, Satan, the Nazis, insanity, Jeffery Dahmer and war.  He also took interest in the history of Nazi Germany (one of the themes of his songwriting) and war medals.

    One of the amazing things about Slayer, much in the same tradition of Edgar Allen Poe, is that they reminded us of the horrors of reality.  In effect, they held a giant mirror up to it and made us see ourselves.    The Nazis were not fictional reality, neither was murder, neither was war, and Slayer had the courage to write about humanity’s dark side while producing some of the most brutal thrash metal the world will ever see.   

    Hanneman had contracted necrotizing fasciitis and the doctors presumed it came from a bite attributed to a brown recluse spider, also known as a fiddleback spider.  These little fucks (the spiders) are just slightly bigger than a penny, and yet their bite is quite serious and needs immediate medical attention.  From the drips and drabs reported on the internet, it seems Hanneman wasn’t fully aware that he’d contracted necrotic fasciitis and by the time he was treated, it was too late.  Venom from any poisonous creature goes either to the heart or liver (sometimes both) and by the time venom hits those organs… you start to realize why the brown recluse is indeed called a fiddleback. 

    Something the size of a penny took out a legend in the heavy metal community — and that jerk-off Justin Beiber still breathes.  Life is truly unfair.

    Brown recluse spider, you are an unconscionable ball-breaker.  I usually wish something awful or at the very least, unseemly, to happen to you at this point in the column, but I’m too much of a wimp.  I do not wish to incur the wrath of those little bastards.  Don’t take out Dave Mustaine next!  I hope these assholes don’t have a long list of other metal legends on their hit list.

    In all seriousness, rest in peace Jeff Hanneman.  Thank you so much for great albums like Reign in Blood, Seasons in the Abyss (my favorite), Divine Intervention, and South of Heaven.  When I go to Hell, I hope to see you kicking ass on a stage made of lava!  That would kick ass!



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