• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

      Columnist
    • April 25, 2014 in Columnists

    Jerk off of the week: cattle rancher and right-wing hero Cliven Bundy

    Isn’t it amazing what happens in such a short amount of time?

    For those who don’t know, Cliven Bundy is a cattle rancher in Nevada. What is so important about him? Twenty years ago, the American government made the land he grazes upon public land, hence the grazing and usury fees. Little problem with that arrangement: Mr. Bundy doesn’t recognize the federal government.

    In light of Mr. Bundy’s inability to be empirically astute, he hasn’t paid taxes and grazing fees for his ranch in over 20 years, which amounts to about $1 million. I’m not sure how Mr. Bundy will ever pay his fines if he doesn’t recognize the federal government. Perhaps he can pay in rancher dollars, Nevada bucks, or a lifetime supply of free steak sandwiches for the Internal Revenue Service.

    The government agency, Bureau of Land Management (BLM), decided it was time to stop screwing around with Mr. Bundy and force the Bundy family and ranchers off the land and seize the livestock.

    IT’S TIME TO GET CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Ranchers, militiamen, FOX News, Alex Jones, and every other right-wing jerkoff oozed out of every sore on Earth to defend Mr. Bundy and his position of not recognizing the federal government and not paying his taxes. Men with rifles encircled the ranch. This is the wet-dream of Libertarians and other crack pots: a possible armed conflict with the federal government.

    Of course, FOX News and Alex Jones had a slightly different narrative. They claimed the federal government was just going to take Mr. Bundy’s land away. To them, this was a state’s rights issue, and how dare the government just declare the Bundy Ranch as public land.

    Funny, Mr. Bundy went to court to settle that claim 20 years ago. He lost his case several times in court. He had his due process. He could’ve kept working on that land if he simply paid his taxes. Maybe that last sentence really sheds some light on the problem.

    According to the right wing, Mr. Bundy was just a small businessman, an entrepreneur, a wealth creator, the rising tide that lifts all boats, or, wait for it… Mr. Bundy is a corporation onto himself.

    See what I’m saying?

    FOX News didn’t care about Mr. Bundy the person. Instead, they cared about Bundy Incorporated. Why should he have to pay taxes? He creates jobs and wealth. What do you create, government? You create nothing. The private sector is the engine that keeps the world going.  Who is John Galt? John Galt is Cliven Bundy: so get off his back, dude! The government just gets in the way with its stupid rules. It would be so much better if we disobeyed the government’s laws and never paid taxes.

    FOX News and Alex Jones were able to scare people into thinking government was going get them: You’ll be thrown into a FEMA camp, and enrolled into Obamacare, and forced to do Common Core math problems and abort all your existing grandchildren. You might even have to live next to a Negro in that FEMA camp.

    WHOA! Wait, what?!

    Oh yeah, Mr. Bundy has been the Tea Party’s darling, and he’s been imparting sage advice to any reporters asking him questions. Mr. Bundy referred to President Obama as “that Negro president.” He also thinks black people would be better off in slavery rather than given a subsidy from the government.

    A racist old white rancher from Nevada that votes Republican? That’s quite a leap. I know that all right wingers are not racist. But it’s safe to assume that Mr. Bundy doesn’t know any Marvin Gaye songs and still thinks Martin Luther King, Jr. was just a troublemaker.

    The true irony is that Mr. Bundy also receives a de facto subsidy for his ranch.   See, he doesn’t pay taxes on his ranch. Someone has to foot the bills for all the ranching he has done over the last 20 years. Who foots the bill? You and I. He gets money for nothing and the chicks for free — to quote Dire Straits.

    We own his ranch. We built that.

    Cliven Bundy, you are an unconscionable ball breaker. Mr. Bundy is a product of homeschool and probably the top of his class, and a graduate of the Bundy School of Business Management. Pretty amazing stuff, Mr Bundy.

    Behold the welfare rancher, Cliven Bundy. The way you rip off the government and cheat on taxes makes Walmart proud of you.

    USA! USA! USA!

     

     

     



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