• Jerk-off of the Week: four-day heat wave

    I am currently going through four days of 90 degree weather with high humidity.  Um, I hate this crap.  I mean, yeah, everyone would rather be warm than cold.  Not I.

    I have always been a cold weather person. I suppose that’s part of my Midwestern DNA, along with the accent.  Midwestern people — what the hell are we known for asides over-pronouncing our “r’s?”  I have no goddamn clue, because I have been living in Rhode Island since I was 8 years old. 

    Was my above statement a non-sequitur?   Was it really well thought out?  Was it worthy of my dear reader’s eyes?  Um, I have no fucking clue because I am sweating my nuts off.  No amount of fans, ice water, cold beer, chilled Mountain Dews, cold breakups with my ex’es, or Canadian ladies will cool me off (if you watch the South Park movie you learn that Canadian pussy is “mighty cold”). 

    I’d do anything right now to sit naked on a glacier.  Yes, yes, that is not a visual that you want inside your fragile mind.  However, when you’re really hot, there are two areas you want cooled down immediately — your head and your crotch.

    Don’t sit there are roll your eyes.  I speak the divine truth.

    You know when you’re alone and you’re hot, first thing you try to do is fan yourself.  After the fanning, you might splash some cool water on yourself in hopes of cooling down.  Then, when no one is looking around, you loosen your pants and try to cool down your crotch area. 

    You sit there sweating, and you peel off your underpants or boxers.  Then, you go and try to find a fan, and aim it to your special naughty place.  You put that goddamn fan on high, drop trou (put your pants around your ankles), and feel that blissful wind hitting the nether region.  There are very few sublime pleasures as cooling down your man or lady parts.

    If you are as lazy as I am, sometimes you don’t even need to drop trou.  Sometimes you hit the jackpot and you have what I call “the slipstream effect.”  Imagine you’re driving with the windows down on the highway.  Do you ever notice that wind sometimes goes up your legs, into your pants, and touches your no-no area?  That isn’t Jerry Sandusky in your pants, that’s what I call the slipstream effect and you can create it at home.  In fact, I know you have aimed a fan in a certain way, that air goes up your leg and creates that nice Hawaiian breeze that reigns in your sanity.

    Hot weather is a real bitch and keeping the family jewels a sane temperature can be the difference between you acting like Mr. Rogers or acting like Chris Brown.

    Four day heat have, you are an unconscionable ball breaker.  Well maybe not a ball breaker per say, but you have a fabulous way of making my body powder into an unholy Bisquick pancake batter down there.   


      • Maya North

      • June 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm
      • Reply

      I am a foul, nasty, whining, wailing, pewling, howling, weeping monster when overheated. Trust me. We don’t even want to go there 😛


      • davidlacy

      • June 1, 2013 at 6:58 pm
      • Reply

      I’m a cold person as well. I hate the heat. Give me a dark cloudy day any day.



      • Absolutely. That’s why I love the fall so much. Now I need to see California during the autumn.


      • davidlacy

      • June 1, 2013 at 7:14 pm
      • Reply

      I’m also an autumn person. Big time. SoCal autumn isn’t very interesting. Our coastal marine layer can be nice during many points in the year, but fall doesn’t feel dramatically different than any other season.
      Sacramento, Napa, and areas up in the foothills near Tahoe — and quite a bit of NorCal for that matter — get a very pretty autumn. Sacramento is “The City of Trees” and they glow bright orange beginning in Sept-Oct. Still, it will never be a New England autumn.



    • Autumns here are magical. A New England Fall is really something else.



    • Thursday is supposed to be 108 deg. here.



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