Just get messy
life is messy. it is. it is messy. and most folks don’t like messy. it’s true. most folks like tidy & neat & wrapped in a bow. yes, it’s true. not all folks, but most. we love the happily-ever-after, the non-confrontational, the clean sheets and yes, the neat drawers. we do. but life is not like that. marriage, friendship, co-workers, neighbors, brothers/sisters, sisters/brothers, housekeepers, contractors, mothers/fathers…parents, children, pets.
pets are messy.
the list is long. it goes on.
life is messy. and messy is different – way different – than hard. messy is cleaning up, mopping up, re-arranging, washing & drying, replacing, replenishing, renewing. messy is cluttered closets, embarrassing basements, junk drawers, overgrown lawns, overgrown cuticles, unpolished nails, misshaped eyebrows. messy is over flowing garbage. literally & figuratively. life is messy.
we say things and do things and rewind and rehash and remember too much. we apologize too often for being all too human. we push shit under the rug, and then pray & hope – out-loud & silently – that no one wants to vacuum. we speak our truth and then wish we hadn’t. we say yes, and wish to god we had said no.
we say no and wish to god we weren’t so impatient, impulsive.
life is messy.
it is filled with screaming & fighting & kicking & <em>fuck you… no, no…fuck you.</em>
life. is. messy. it is filled with miscommunication, misunderstanding and mistakes.
and yes, life can be horrifying, unjust, painful, cruel, unfair and scary.
holy shit. horrifying, and unjust and painful and cruel and yes, scary beyond belief.
life. life. life.
last week ken had surgery, and his anesthesiologist came in (right before the surgery) and told ken that because of his heart problem which, yes, we knew, they would have to keep him – ken – in the recovery room for 24 hours.
and trust me, it’s very easy for me to go from, “oh he’ll be fine, to body bag,” in 30 seconds flat.
and so, we – ken & i – kissed, and said good-bye and i left…
and i sat in the waiting room and waited. with other folks. some were worried sick, some were texting, some were watching tv, some were drinking coffee, some were meditating, some were praying, some were talking about (or to) their spouses, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, friends, neighbors…some were just staring out the window.
the waiting room was filled with life.
and then, after a few hours, i was able to see ken. finally. and the very first thing ken said to me was this: we get to argue more.
life is so beautifully messy.