• Learn to Recognize FAD Symptoms

    by Donald K. Sanders

    I have a disease. I caught it in just the last few years and I am not alone. Around the world there are over 300 million people that have the same diagnosis. It is not a pretty disease.

    The early symptoms are, red puffy eyes, inability to sleep as you normally would, self-isolation, Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, anger, depression, and finally DEATH! The name of this disorder is, Facebook Addiction Disorder or (FAD).

    Seventy percent of all college students are symptomatic of this disorder and it is reflected in the national grade point average, which is now 1.17. According to my sources in Washington D. C., this is the lowest national average since the mid to late Dark Ages. The majority of college students around the world will log in to Facebook every single day. I find that very sad.

    Symptoms of FAD are easily recognized. The most obvious symptom, which I call “Zombie Weight Gain,” is now running rampant in the United States and Great Britain. Those who suffer this addiction will sit at their computer, staring at the monitor, while eating snack after snack until they no longer are capable of moving their legs.

    Similarly, this symptom is linked to the part of the brain that controls the legs in another disorder called “Toilet Seat Polio” which is contracted by lengthy reading while sitting upon the throne. It also has been found that they are incapable of understanding or performing even the most menial of tasks.

    My Washington sources also tell me that worldwide studies into the nature of this disorder were inconclusive in every case but one, which was conducted by a group of blind hermit monks that live in a cave behind the head of Abraham Lincoln far atop the slopes of Mt. Rushmore. That’s somewhere near Baltimore, I think.

    Every other investigation failed to complete their studies and contracted the disorder themselves. I’m told that should the disorder envelop the entire population of the earth, drastic measures (of the nuclear kind) may be taken.

    Here are some easily recognized symptoms:

    ~ Your son or daughter is writing a paper called “Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection.”
    ~ Your loved one is writing a book entitled, “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both, At The Same Time?”
    ~ Your loved one is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car.”
    ~ They’re doing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book.”

    Those suffering from this disorder will come up with any excuse to keep from leaving their computer for even a few minutes. Excuses like:

    ~ I’m getting my overalls overhauled.
    ~ I have to stay home and wash my tongue.
    ~ I wish I could but, my patent is pending.
    ~ I want to spend more time with my blender.
    ~ I have to fulfill my potential.
    ~ I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
    ~ A Winters resident was heard to say, “I have to rotate my crops.”

    Those with the disorder believe that they can speak French in Russian. They make statements on your Facebook wall that while reviewing your profile, they couldn’t turn the suck down. Some believe that they are so cool that Rosa Parks gave up her seat for them. They often create awkward moments just to see how it feels. Some believe their charm is so contagious that a vaccine must be created for it. They find themselves fascinating. Unbelievably, a Facebook addict from Ohio attempted to disrupt Patrick Swayze’s death because Michael Jackson’s death was better.

    It has been reported that FAD is expanding faster than the universe. It is essential that we recognize our own symptoms to this disorder. As for me, my worst symptom, by far, is that I am constantly stealing bad jokes from the internet to use in my Facebook page. What’s worse, there are poor souls out there that actually read it.

    In conclusion, is it possible that those in authority know something we don’t? Perhaps they know that our ultimate weakness is gossiping among ourselves. Perhaps they know that small movements can become big ones; that if an idea takes hold on the population, it just might become indestructible — a monster that could be either theirs or our downfall.

    I know it is killing me. Everybody on Earth knows my business. However, I just don’t give a damn.

      • David Lacy

      • March 6, 2011 at 7:58 am
      • Reply

      This was great! My favorite line is: Seventy percent of all college students are symptomatic of this disorder and it is reflected in the national grade point average, which is now 1.17. According to my sources in Washington D. C., this is the lowest national average since the mid to late Dark Ages.

      Loved it.

    • Donald, another great article. My name is Madge and I am addicted to FB. I lay on my bed for hours with my laptop on a pillow (I have a laptop tray for my bed but that would necessitate me sitting upright). So I figure my butt is getting flatter which would be a good thing. How do I stop? I try leaving the house but my laptop and FB always bring me home. Sometimes I get up to eat but most mornings I have to finally shut down the machine and promise myself I won’t turn it back on for oh let’s say 1/2 hour. Being a writer and a marketing director for a website makes this almost impossible. So what do you call laptop addiction?

      • Christy

      • March 6, 2011 at 9:28 am
      • Reply

      “Toilet Seat Polio”….BWAAHAHAHAHAHA!! With this rampant FAD guess the end of days really is near!

    • Donald, you crack me the hell up. I so “get” you! 🙂

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