• author
    • Amy Ferris

    • August 13, 2015 in Bloggers

    Let me love you

    i know love. i know good love. bad love. kind love. mean love. tough love. easy love. i know the difference between being nice and being good, and being good is all about love.

    i know that when my husband, my gorgeous amazing husband saw me oh so fucking sad the other day because i wear the blues in my eyes, and in my heart, and cover myself in it. i dip myself full on in blue, he asked: what can i do to make you happy? flowers? a trinket? what? whatdya want? whatdya need? and i looked at him, my gorgeous kind man, and all he said was: i want you to be happy. i just fucking want you to be happy. what would make you happy? and in that moment on that day in the middle of a small town that we hadn’t visited in a long while, i saw myKen, iKen. not just the outline of him, or his blue blue blue sexy melting i can drown in them eyes, i saw the heart he carries around in his body. his thin body. his sometimes achy body. the body with two new knees, yeah that body. the body that is filled with so much kindness and goodness and sweet.

    i saw in that moment, on that day, in a town we hadn’t visited, a man who wanted nothing more than for me, his wife, to be happy. i told him nothing he could buy me could make me feel as loved as this, right now, this moment. and as if we were sprinkled with magic dust, that sad, that deep awful sinking sad that i was wearing head to toe turned into comfort and ease and a handful of peace.
    yeah, a sorta kinda fairytale.
    with a happy ending.
    on a day that began with so much sad my heart ached from the weight of it all.
    there are days.
    holy shit, there are days. 

    so here’s to the folks — the men & women — out there who go that extra mile, see our pain, hear our pain, want for us to wear joy & beauty & grace head to fucking toe, who grab our hand, loan a shoulder & look us smack in the eye, who refuse, absolutely refuse, to let us cover up our shame or guilt or fear or worry or that insidious little devil-doll called self-sabotage, and say:

    I AM HERE.

    and for the record, the true-blue no bullshit record, it has never been easy for me to let folks love me, or give to me, or dazzle me with generosity.
    but, this i am learning.
    this i am battling.
    this i am embracing.
    this is my day to day to day in & fucking out struggle.

    i wish you all a day filled to the brim with much goodness, generosity of spirit, love, kindness, sweetness, badass joy, and being able to hear those four words:

    i love you all.
    head to fucking toe.

      • Maya Spier Stiles North

      • August 14, 2015 at 7:56 pm
      • Reply

      I love you. You know that. What I’m beginning to realize, though, when the blue rises in my own soul, is that I must stand in front of that tide and say “Oh, but *I* love me. I love me so. I love me to the moon and back.” And then I take that desolated child — the one where it all began — and hold her close to my beating heart so she can hear that it beats for her. It’s after that moment that I can open my heart’s door to the abundant love offered by others… <3

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