Life in Sandersland
Would you like to hear the newest of my great ideas? I know in the past, I’ve had a few ideas that some would consider harebrained. I’ll admit that right up front. However, this new idea does not fall under that heading. I’m really excited about it because I feel that every person that lives in Winters, California will benefit. K-ching-Ka-ching!
I think the City of Winters, California should secede from the United States of America! We could become an independent sovereign state, a principality so to say. We could have our own constitution with a preamble and seven or eight articles. As a principality, we could have a Prince and a Princess. I guess, since I’m the only person in this city with royal blood, I should be the Prince. I could think of a name for our new nation later. When I say later, I mean in the future, not in the past.
I guess I shouldn’t confuse you all with technical stuff like future and past, so I’ll take care of that kind of stuff. You have to remember that I have an extraordinarily large brain so it’s just like this column. I write the column and you read it, so I make all the decisions. I figure anyone who will read my column can’t be all that smart anyway.
There are many benefits that, you as a citizen of the new nation, will receive. First of all, you get to have a Prince to worship — me! When I see you on the street, I could bless you and you could kiss my hand. I guess I would have to wash them every morning during the week. You will thank me when all the money starts rolling in, piles and piles of it. That’s all green too, no coins!
As an independent country, 100 percent of our tax money would stay right here in the new nation of Winters. I don’t know how much money that is but I promise to be diligent in counting and distributing it to all of you. I’m talking a lot of money here, a lot of money. We’ll have so much money that we can pay the rest of the people to stay out of our country.
We wouldn’t need garbage collection or a sewer plant. All of that stuff can be tossed in the creek and someone else will worry about that. Those guys downstream in Davis won’t know where it came from anyway. They are more worried about what goes downstream out of Davis than they are about what comes downstream into Davis. If by chance those guys from Davis give us a hard time, we can declare war upon them for the slander and disrespect that they show us. After all, they can’t prove the garbage came from Winters, right?
We wouldn’t be the smallest nation, but we would be the smallest nation on dry land. The smallest nation on the sea is a place called Sealand. It consists of a little concrete platform off the coast of Great Brittan. The only difference between their country and ours is the fact that they are all interbred, deformed and starving because they live on a concrete island and there aren’t any farms around it like there are here.
You know how the United States is always sending their money to other countries? Well, they can send it to us. I’ll make sure to get that into our treaty. Another thing of importance is the fact that there are only four ways to get into our country and toll booths will rake in a lot of cash. You want to come to our country? Well ya gotta go through us, right? Ka-ching!
Folks, with your support, we can make this thing happen. All we have to do is put the idea of a sovereign nation into City Manager John Donlevy’s head and he will bulldog it into action. I’m convinced that he can do anything. Since he came into this town and made his improvements and adjustments to this and that, our little city has grown by about 10,000 percent, but has stayed quite quaint and pleasant to live in. Donlevy is like that new 49er quarterback because he’s leading the team and if you don’t keep an eye on him, he’s running the ball all the way to the goalpost by himself. I’m thinking he might have royal blood too, maybe a Duke or an Earl.
I mean, folks, this little city has got it going on. The only thing we don’t have is the right name for our new nation. I’m thinking of something like “Sanders Shire” or “The Land of Prince Donald” would be in order. What do you think?
Aw, never mind. I’m the Prince so I’ll do all the thinking.