• author
    • Kelvin Wade

      Columnist
    • June 14, 2013 in Columnists

    Lookin’ like a fool with your pants on the ground

    Wildwood, a popular Jersey shore beach town, has voted to ban sagging pants. Tourists complained about seeing underwear and arses as young men strolled along the boardwalk so the city has banned pants sagging more than three inches below the waist showing skin or underwear. I was hoping violators would get a foot in their butt crack but instead, it’s a $25 fine.

    It’s never been a good look seeing grown men sauntering around with their underwear pulled up over their waists and their jeans sagging below their butts. It doesn’t mark you as a rebel. It marks you as an idiot.

    There’s a reason why 62-year-old 2010 American Idol contestant Larry Platt’s video of “Pants on the Ground” garnered over 9 million views and his single reached #46 on the charts. People are sick of seeing people’s underwear in public and Platt’s anthem arrived right on time.

    How did this fashion-don’t get started? Snopes.com debunks the rumor that the practice of sagging pants began in prison as a way for homosexuals to signal they were available for mounting. The site does admit that it started in prison but for more mundane reasons. They say the practice started when inmates were issued pants that were too large. Since belts are disallowed in prison, prison-issued pants tended to sag.

    I don’t have a problem with a rapper’s sagging pants onstage during a concert. Why? Entertainers have always worn crazy stuff on stage. From Jimi Hendrix looking like he gobbled some shrooms and stumbled through a vintage Goodwill shop to Elvis’ Vegas sparkling jumpsuits to Madonna’s cone bra, Lady Gaga’s meat dress, whatever the hell crawls up Katy Perry’s ass that possesses her to wear the crap she does, to Nicki Minaj looking like a multi-colored cartoon bug, performers have rocked some weird getups that are perfectly fine for a stage but will get you placed on the fashion police’s 10 most wanted if you rock it on the streets.

    In fact, I want performers wearing something insane whether it’s the spandex, makeup and big hair of an 80’s metal band to the enormous glasses, gold grill and massive clock around the neck of Flavor Flav, performers are supposed to be larger than life. When grunge arrived in the 90s and bands came out onstage in jeans and T-shirts, I wanted to kick their asses. I spend all this money on a CD and concert ticket and you can’t even be bothered to dress up for the show?

    But I digress. There’s something maddening about seeing these fools walking down the street hitching their pants up every few steps. I saw a guy in my neighborhood who’s pants almost fell down to the ground they were so low. I wanted to tackle him, take his pants and give them to someone they would fit and would wear them properly. All you freaks showing your underwear, why not just go out sans pants? The new look will just be fools walking around in their skidmarked boxers. How about that?

    The only people who should be sagging anything are toddlers with loaded diapers or plumbers with hairy ass cracks (because they pioneered it so we have to grandfather them in).

    Fads come and people jump on the bandwagon to look cool. During the 70s, I rocked a dashiki. I owned platform shoes. I owned a pair of Vans during the 80s. During the late 80s and early 90s I sported an Africa medallion. So I get it. But how could it possibly feel cool to have to keep worrying about your britches hitting the floor?

    I think I may know how to finally put an end to this and make it so no one will ever want to put his or her underwear on display again.

    Wedgies.


      • Maya North

      • June 14, 2013 at 3:01 pm
      • Reply

      I’m not sure I’d have the courage to give a total stranger a wedgie, but a relative? Oh yeah… They WADDLE! Where’s the dignity in that?



    • This bill violates the First Amendment (freedom of expression), is racially motivated to target the Black community, carries a hugely inordinate punishment, and attempts to police the community based on a personal, subjective, and limited idea of what is or is not “moral.” St. Louis has enough problems (especially for minority communities) and shouldn’t be focusing on imprisoning non-violent offenders when you have 18 people being gunned down in a single night on it’s streets.
      For a detailed and eloquent discussion of this issue, please visit http://www.balancingjane.com/2013/06/st-louis-proposes-sagging-pants-ban.html


      • Kelvin

      • June 23, 2013 at 5:26 pm
      • Reply

      This isn’t about St. Louis. And the “punishment” is $25. And I don’t give a crap what the race of the person is. The column itself was just meant to be an amusing look at something many find annoying. But lets get the courts involved. Lets go all the way to the Supreme Court to decide once and for all if we can sag or not. If they give their blessing then I’ll put on a thong and the loosest jeans I can find and make a twerk video on a city corner.



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