Madge visits Winters
by Donald K. Sanders
At rare moments in time, the Earth, along with all of the other planets in our solar system, aligns with the Sun to make a straight line. It is a moment of severe struggle. The unseen force that surrounds one object thrashes about, pushing against the unseen force of the next. The unseen force becomes confused, thus, for one miniscule moment nothing moves. The line holds.
In time, with a burst of energy, the line fails. Each object is thrown out and returns, as before, to encircle the sun. From a distance, the system looks just as it did before, the same. Wait, it is not the same. The unseen force that holds objects together and then forces them apart is the only true constant in all of this. Everything else changes. Thus, the system is not as it was before; something is different.
The time has come to pull out my big brain. It is a time for heavy thinking. There on page one of my copy of “Stellar Astrophysical Fluid Dynamics for Dummies” was a yellow Post-it note on which I had written, “Madge Woods coming to Winters.” The note was dated several months ago.
I thought, “Oh my God, it’s happened! Madge is here!”
I thought again a second after I thought the first thing. My big brain was working like a well- cooked fast food hamburger that I call sliders because when you eat them, they slide in and then they slide out just as quickly. I thought how sexy I must look, standing there thinking like I was, all inside my head.
I’ll have to take you back to the beginning so you’ll understand. Baacckkk, baacckk. Clear your mind. Madge Woods is on the top ten list of Who’s Who in Los Angles. Word is that she runs that city and one word from her can make you or break you. Another rumor says that Bill Gates ripped off the idea for Microsoft from her desk. Bill Gates was found in a gutter shortly afterwards with one of his testicles in his coat pocket.
Madge, a world class writer, sends a piece into the iPinion Syndicate once in awhile, so that’s how we met online. Anyway, to make a short story shorter, she wanted to come to Winters to meet the local writers, one of which is me. She wanted to see the grand tour of Winters, so I said I would show her everything. I thought, “Aw, she won’t come to this town, it just isn’t going to happen.” You know what happened next? She came.
She had an itinerary. I don’t know what that is, but she had one. She had me listed to show her around Winters. I’d hoped that she would forget all about me, but that wasn’t going to happen either. She wanted to see everything. So, with no hesitation, I turned my socks and underwear inside out to the clean side in case she put me in the hospital. I wet my greasy hair, sprayed hairspray all over it, put on my best cologne, and put a bit of toothpaste in my mouth so she would think I brushed my teeth and took a shower.
I didn’t want to ride in her Mercedes Royce, so I picked her up in my sleek, black F-150 and showed her the Winters Nature Park and told her how I had planned the whole park and singlehandedly had planted every tree and bush. After that, I pointed out the Glory Hole and explained that it was really a Black Hole in this part of the galaxy. After that I decided to show her my greatest triumph that never got built because the City Manager, Jon Donlevy wouldn’t buy me 15 miles of four-foot OD concrete pipe.
I said, “ Yep, the Sanders Muon Ringy Thingy was supposed to go underground from here to the City of Davis and back.” We were going to build it at night so no one would know that we were going to tunnel under their property. She said,” Don’t you think that the people in Davis would know you were building a super collider under their streets?” Then I said, “Nah, they won’t know it’s there until things start poppin’ under their sidewalks.”
At that, she wanted to know why the city manager wouldn’t help me build a supercollider. I told her that I think he must be jealous of how good looking and smart I am. That’s the only reason I could think of at the spur of a moment. (Sorry Mr. Donlevy but I didn’t know what to say.) I finished by saying that we all (meaning everybody in Winters) would have gotten rich selling Higgins Particles to tourist. They are the smallest particles in the world and no one could see them anyway, so all we’d have to do is sell them a package with nothing in them. Big bucks too.
That evening, Madge treated everyone from iPinion to dinner and then gave us all a hug, and then she was gone. I think a helicopter picked her up by the Chevron station. I think she is considering financing my Muon Ringy Thingy too, because as she flew off she told me to wait there for her until she comes back, and she even gave me a finger wave until she was out of sight. That’s what I was doing standing around for three days at the Chevron. I was not stalking anyone either!
I don’t think she’s coming back.