Me, myself and why
I am an elected official, a member of the U.S. Congress. It’s a tough job. Approval ratings are hovering near telemarketers working the dinner-hour shift.
So last week we did something to turn this ship around.
We scrambled, like greasy lightning, to vote on legislation to end the oppressive and cruel, week-long FAA furlough of air traffic controllers. The “Reducing Flight Delays Act of 2013” (like I said, we were in a hurry) unanimously passed in the Senate and breezed through the House 361 to 41.
For those of you who can afford to take a summer vacation, you won’t have to suffer intolerable airport delays.
And for the rest of you who are moaning about this dark-of-night, act of Congress – you obviously don’t know what’s best for you. And that’s where I come in. You see, I fly a lot. And airport delays would be very inconvenient for me. I am representing you. Therefore I am you. The best way I can serve you, and this great country I love, is to ask myself, “How would these issues affect me personally?”
Yes, it’s true other programs are impaired by the sequester, but they’re not that important to me. And by me, I mean you.
- Long-term unemployment cuts by 10.7%. While I don’t personally know anybody who has been out of work over 20 weeks, I do know the average weekly unemployment check is $290. So now that the free ride is over, these folks will start looking for work rather than file for the federal program.
- Head Start program cuts by 5%. Those 4-year-old little takers could probably get janitorial jobs at the schools and this problem would pretty much solve itself.
- Cancer treatment denied to thousands due to Medicare cuts. You know, I had a pre-cancer melanoma scare once. Turns out it was just a skin lesion and now I always wear a hat and bumped up my sunblock to SPF 50. Whew!
- The National Institutes of Health lost $1.6 billion, jeopardizing AIDS, cancer and other research. Well, I don’t know anyone with AIDS and, again, remember to use sunscreen.
- Heating assistance cuts by $180 million affecting 9 million households. Summer’s coming!
I’m also doing what’s best for you on issues beyond the sequester.
Sure, 90% of you think you want background checks on guns. But if I vote “yes” it will screw up my A+ rating with the NRA. And trust me; nobody wants to be on Wayne LaBatshit’s speed dial.
Unlike Representative Wetback up in Alaska, I understand the importance of the Hispanic vote and was “all in” for immigration reform until those guys bombed the Boston Marathon. I have no idea where Chechnya is, but when I saw the terrorists on TV I immediately thought “Muslim Brotherhood.” So I’m putting that whole “path to citizenship” thing on hold and focusing on war with Syria.
Going by my personal experiences is not unusual. Much like Ohio Senator Rob Portman, if my son ever Fed Ex’d me a letter stating he was gay, I would reverse my position on the whole one man, one woman thing. In two years. After I was no longer being considered as a vice presidential candidate.
Just remember, if it passes the “me” test it’s good for us all. And God bless America.