Muon ringy thingy
by Donald K. Sanders
Lately I’ve been thinking about all kinds of stuff. It’s like every time I look at something it goes straight to my brain and then, BOOM, I get a great idea. Now I’ve got some real doosies each of which is capable of making us all rich.
All this thinking started when I picked up the July 28th edition of the Winters Express. There on the front page was a picture of my old friend, John Donlevy. What a fine figure of a man he is. Why, next to me he is probably the best looking guy in Winters.
Not only is he handsome, he is our faithful City Manager, and a fine one at that. Next to me, he is probably the smartest guy in Winters too. What a guy, and he’s my best friend too. I absolutely love this guy!
That being said, lets go back to the picture in the paper. Besides the good looking City Manager is another fella and he’s handing a great big check to my friend John. The check is about 3 feet wide and 5 feet long. On the check are big numbers that say $525,000 payable to the city of Winters.
Yaa Hoo, that’s what I’m talking about. My friend John has half a million big ones! I’m going to call him up and tell him that we should use that money to build my Muon ring. John and I have tossed that ball around before so he’ll know exactly what I’m talking about.
Now that my buddy John has the money he can buy 50,344 pieces of 4’ OD concrete pipe that will make up the Muon Ring. The ring will go from my house around to the City of Davis and back to good old Winters.
Since John is providing most of the money, he will get 10% of the profit, the City of Winters will get 10% too, and I get the rest since it’s my idea. The money is just going to roll in like boulders down a mountain. Since John and I are probably going to spend all that money here in town, you all will get some too, in a sense. We’ll discuss that later.
There’s one catch to this whole Muon ringy thingy. It ain’t real. None of the other Muon Rings are either, so here’s what we have to do. John will get at one corner of the ring and I’ll get at the other corner.
John will act like he’s throwing an atom at me and I’ll act like I’m throwing an atom at him. The two atoms are supposed to smash against each other and make a mini-atomic explosion. My friend Steve and Terry will have to hide at another corner somewhere down in the ring. At the right time they can bang a rock on a barrel to make the sound of an explosion.
Who’s gonna know the difference when nobody can see a damn atom anyway. There’s some pretty smart people over in Davis but I don’t think that they can see an atom either. If they can then all we have to do is not let them come to Winters.
Everybody will come to see our Muon Ring and we can charge each one of them a dollar just to look. For an extra .50 cents they can touch it and have somebody like my son Joey take a picture for another dollar. Let’s see, that’s over two dollars and something for each person.
I’ve thought of everything because way down the road in the future, when everybody has seen our Muon Ring, we can cut off our end of the ring so that it will now be like a big “U”. Now we have another money making idea, in living color.
We then hook up our two ends of the big “U” to our sewer lines and send all of our sewage down to the City of Davis. It might smell a little bit but those people over in Davis are used to it.
I have other moneymaking ideas that are just as good or better than the Muon Ring thingy. You’re not going to believe how easily this idea will make us all super-rich.
It seems that our President, Mr. Obama, is looking for a town that will dispose of tons of spent radioactive fuel. I guess the people in Nevada don’t want it anymore. Well, their loss is our gain, because I have the perfect plan.
My friend John Donlevy can call President Obama and tell him that we will take all of the radioactive waste that they have for 1 dollar an isotope or whatever they call them. It doesn’t matter, we’ll take it all.
What we have to do is put all of the radioactive stuff into big dump trucks and take it down to the big sandstone caves at the top of the hill, just before you reach the Berryessa Dam. We tell Obama that we are going to put the isotopes, or whatever, into the big caves. They won’t ever check so all we really have to do is back the trucks into Putah Creek and dump it.
That’s right, dump it in the creek and send it all to the City of Davis. All those people that live in Davis are too busy riding their bikes to Winters so they can get out of Davis. They are always wearing their spandex shorts with those funny hats on their heads. They won’t have a clue.
Those people from Davis are so dumb that they still ride their bikes across the traffic bridge even though we built them a bicycle bridge that is safer for them. I think that those spandex shorts are cutting off the blood to their brains. We can send anything downstream to them and they’ll never know.
What do ya say John Donlevy, let’s build this Muon Ringy thingy.