• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

    • February 2, 2015 in Columnists

    New England is football heaven

    As I sit down to write this column for my dear reader, allow me to paint the scene. I have the heavy metal band Slayer cranked up to an 11. My waffle-top thermal has a food stain on it from tacos I made earlier tonight. I am on my fifth black tea of the day. My head is bopping to the beat of the music (head-banging) with enthusiasm and my mouth hurts from smiling so much.

    Matt, why are you in such a good mood?

    New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. Photo:  AP-Patrick-Semansky

    New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick. Photo: AP – Patrick-Semansky

    Oh, because Katy Perry gave the performance of a lifetime. She cured world poverty with her crappy music, dragging Missy Elliot and Lenny Kravitz out.

    I am going to complain and whine first. I have to go dark.

    The commercials were awful, simply awful. Remember in the late ’90s and early ’00s when the Super Bowl commercials were funny and outrageous? The commercial that everyone is going to do a cartwheel for is that annoying Budweiser commercial where the guy lost his puppy. But of course, the fucking Budweiser horses found the puppy and made sure the puppy made it safe back to the guy. Every woman in America cried. I was too busy peeing out my Coke Zero Cherry to honestly care. If I remember correctly, I told my father, “I hope that puppy dies in a fire.” The old couple with the Viagra pill was dumb. I don’t care that Jeff Bridges went insane and made a CD for sleeping. All the commercials were a nightmare.

    Next, the halftime show. My female friends told me that the half-time show was incredible. They also tell me that the commercials were fantastic. Guess who found a way to get women to watch the Super Bowl if they weren’t diehard football fans?

    I didn’t watch it so there was nothing to report.

    Let’s talk about the pregame entrances. The New England Patriots came out to the Ozzy Osbourne song “Crazy Train.” The Seattle Seahawks came out to a song I didn’t recognize. Someone told me it was a song by The Verve called “Bittersweet Symphony.” I didn’t even know that was a real song. I just thought it was an overused commercial jingle that only seemed to annoy me and make me see red.

    Wow, Matt. You seem so angry and bitter even though your team won the big game. I am from New England — everything bothers us.

    Let’s get into the actual game.

    I’m not going to bore you with stats. I am not going to pretend to understand the intricacies of the no-huddle offense or a three-man rush. I wish to speak about the Super Bowl in a different way.

    Smack talking!

    Seattle Sea Hawks corner back Richard Sherman. Photo: Twitter.com

    Seattle Sea Hawks corner back Richard Sherman. Photo: Twitter.com

    I love shit-talking. I love bragging. When someone is running their mouth, I begin to smile. Why? Because smack-talking can go either really well or really awful. See, I played a lot of competitive games when I was a teenager. I won a lot of games, I lost a lot of games. The worst feeling in the world is when you’ve been running your pie-hole for hours only to lose at the end of the match. And when someone has been running their trap for hours, telling you that you will lose, and you turn the tables to finally win — their silence becomes your ambrosia. Their tears of defeat become the sweat honey added to your tea.

    When you finally defeat the opposition, especially a vocal man named Richard Sherman (cornerback to the Seattle Seahawks), victory is so very sweet. Now, I love Richard Sherman and his attitude. I love his arrogance and cockiness, and his amazing ability to actually play football. Growing up in the inner city, bravdo (aka smack-talking) was essential to survival. So, I’m usually entertained when someone is running their mouth.

    And, I’m totally aware that New England Patriots’ quarterback Tom Brady is a big time smack-talker. He went to Michigan University. Of course he runs his mouth. He’s married to a Victoria Secret underwear model. His legacy is cemented and will become a Hall of Famer fast then it takes to boil an egg. But I love it when Tom yells and talks junk to his opponents. Why? He backs it up.

    If you watched the game yesterday, Brady had a not-so-perfect game. He made a terrible few throws. But when the chips are down, Tom will not let you down.

    I made the huge mistake of counting out the New England Patriots at the beginning of the regular season. After seeing how average and beatable my team was, I thought the season was lost. Never again. As long as Tom Brady can throw a football, we have a chance. No matter how much the league screws with the New England Patriots because they are insanely jealous, always trust Tom Brady and head coach Bill Belichick.

    So I am going to say this clearly and concisely to all the fans of the NFL. I want them to understand what I’m about to say despite their agonizing hatred for my team. Shut your mouths and listen to Uncle Matt closely. Get your face right next to the computer screen.

    You now live in New England. It’s time to pay the rent.

    New England Patriot quaterback Tom Brady courtesy AP Photo Michael Conroy

    New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady: Photo – AP Michael Conroy

    • OMG… the reference to “Bittersweet Symphony”…. you just broke my heart… and David Lacy’s too… that was “our song”…. Also all that football stuff… yeah, great, woohoo…

      • If the Sea Hawks didn’t come out to such a weak-ass song, maybe the game would’ve turned out different. Music matters.

      • David Lacy

      • February 2, 2015 at 8:05 am
      • Reply

      Yeah, Debra, it’s been established that Matt needs to be schooled in music. Still, I really liked this trash-talking column on trash talking. And that’s pretty impressive considering how pissed I am at the Pats.

    • I knew we were at opposite ends of the football talk when you wished the puppy die in a fire.

      I just want to know if the Patriots are so wonderful with their wonderful quarterback( well he really is wonderful but I loved watching him throw those interceptions!), why do they have to cheat?
      You know filming the Jets practice & letting the air out of 11 footballs?
      Maybe the Pats need to play without a coach next year as punishment like the Saints did.
      Rodger Goodell says-“Ignorance is not an excuse”
      (Rodger is exempt from that statement. He floundered for a stance on the Ray Rice situation & came up with he did not know about the elevator video)

      If you have not figured it out…I’m a Who Dat & Saints fan.

      Nice win. I’ll never understand why the Seahawks coach called that last play.
      Saints fans know how Beastmode can run over a D- line.

      Oh well. There’s always next year.

      • You mean video taping a team like everyone else did in front of 80,000 people? Oh that cheating. Oh I get it. Deflated balls? LMAO Really? What else you got?

        Listen, I understand hating the best team in football. It’s ok. The Pats have been beating people for 15 years. Beat them. The Giants did (just barely). I didn’t cry about it. Didn’t call anyone a cheater.

        Anyone gonna cry about the Sea Hawks players using PEDs for the last four years? Anyone gonna cry about Jim Irsay being a crybaby and trying to change the rules every time the Patriots beat them?
        Tom Brady was never accused of rape. Ben Rothlesbeger was and everyone slurps him up like chicken soup. RAY LEWIS WAS ACCUSED OF MURDER and he is still on ESPN ad nauseam (that’s Latin for at the point of throwing up).

        The day before the AFC championship game Indianapolis Colt linebacker Josh McNary was charged with felonly rape. Bet you didn’t hear about it.

        Deflated balls and videotaping is nothing but weak tea. You owe me rent, lidine.

        The puppy line was an obvious joke you idiot.

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