• author
    • Terri Connett

    • November 17, 2014 in Columnists

    Online dating isn’t for me

    I haven’t been on a date in two years.  Or maybe it’s been three.  I do miss the good bits of being in a relationship so, after some encouragement from friends, I joined OurTime – the online dating site for the over 50 crowd.  What a relief, I thought, to jump into a dating pool with mature men who were looking for mature women.  I wrote an honest profile, posted a few pics and plunked down $29.99.  Maybe I’d meet somebody.  Or at the very least, I’d have fodder for a column.

    I could write three.

    Let’s start with that misguided concept of maturity.  The user names of men who viewed my profile include; mesohorny, stiff123, dirtyoldfart, nipplelvr, elatedcobra and cunnilinger.  These boys needed an OurTimeOut.  I’m just thankful the site utilizes a time delay photo filter so all those wrinkled dick pics never got a chance to scald my eyeballs.

    Many of them put little to no effort in choosing their profile pics.  My favorite was the scowling selfie of a big, dirty man wearing a dingy, stretched out t-shirt.  I actually think he bought a new shirt at WalMart earlier that day, got home, tried it on, found it too small and said “fuck it, I’m not gonna change for any snooty bitch!”

    All profiles began asking “a little about me.”   Their answers ranged from sad to funny to holy shit:

    “I seldom leave home.”

    “I need to lose a lot of weight before getting involved.”

    “During my spare time I go out for lunch at a buffet in the afternoon.”

    “I like to eat in or out.”  That pretty much covers it!

    “I’m cool and handsome.”

    “I like to go hunting and would like a woman that’s not afraid to go into the woods just to set and talk.”  No!  No setting. No talking. Run ladies run!

    The second half of the profile asked “about the one I’m looking for.”  Some of the answers gave insight into past problems:

    “Someone who doesn’t have anger management issues.”

    “Doesn’t need hours getting ready.”

    “Someone who listens to me.”

    “A woman who thinks before talking.”

    A few answered this question very specifically:

    “Someone who doesn’t get hungry at 8.  Must love Sinatra.”

    “Blonde hair wearing something lacy.”

    “Please like sex.”

    And one 67-year-old man with a mullet asked for, “Someone who can work a flip phone and vcr.”   Of course he did.

    I got a lot of flirts from the Who Would Jesus Do congregation.  Their saintly profiles were all about serving their Lord and looking for church-going, Christian women.  In my profile I specified I was not religious and checked the “other” box when asked my affiliation. Maybe these pious pricks wanted to save me.  Or it could be the Christian Mingle girls were boring.

    Just as my 60-day membership was coming to an end, I had a near miss with someone ten years my junior who reached out to me with an articulate, sweet note.  Clint told me I had kind eyes and a warm smile.  Flattery got him to stage one.  I replied with a few questions.  What do you do?  Why are you interested in someone older? He responded that he didn’t go to college. He worked construction until he had back problems.  He didn’t care about material things, didn’t like society’s pressures, always related to mature women and didn’t have much money.  He didn’t want anything from me other than friendship and possibly love.  Nothing wrong with any of that.  But my gut, heart, head and spleen told me to run away from this poor, lonely guy probably on disability.

    Instead I turned to a Seinfeld episode, as I often do in life, and remembered the “Opposite George” one where George decided his life was in the toilet because every decision he made was wrong.  He would no longer trust his instincts but rather do the opposite.  So I agreed to meet Clint for coffee in a public place on a Friday afternoon. After all, he did like my eyes. In the emails leading up to our date, I learned he didn’t have a cell phone and perhaps no home phone either.  He mentioned again how he didn’t have, or need, much money and how excited he was to see me.  Every day Clint would suggest we meet and go for a walk to see the fall colors or just to talk.  I would push back and remind him I wanted to meet in public first.  He would say he understood and then try again with another email.

    I was pretty sure Clint was whittling a piece of wood into my likeness while sitting on the back step of his one-room Kaczynski cabin. He planned to give me the Terri doll, with the kind eyes,  just before killing me.

    So I broke up with Clint before we met and let my OurTime membership run out.  We all know of online dating success stories.  They are why I gave this a shot.

    One idiot ended his profile, “I hope to here form you.”

    I dew knot.






    • Witty! And this reminds me why my city is full of single women over fifty.

        • Terri Connett

        • November 17, 2014 at 10:22 am
        • Reply

        Thanks, Judith! Yeah there are a bunch of us out here lookin’ for love in all the wrong places. 🙁

    • I loved this,Terri, and laughed out loud! I deleted a man I had “friended” on FB just this morning after he had left five really creepy private messages without a single reply from me! I hope to never HERE from him again!

        • Terri Connett

        • November 17, 2014 at 10:24 am
        • Reply

        Thank you, Kathie! I like to make you laugh. Good for you for dumping Mr. Creepy. Seems he really couldn’t take a hint.

      • Maya North

      • November 17, 2014 at 11:20 am
      • Reply

      I like the quote “It takes a mighty fine husband to be better than none at all.” I believe that also goes for boyfriends…

        • Terri Connett

        • November 18, 2014 at 11:14 am
        • Reply

        LOVE that quote, Maya.

      • Quinton Santini

      • November 17, 2014 at 12:31 pm
      • Reply

      Love the article like all the one’s you write. Maybe this comment is very male of me but but I would stick with it. I know you ladies have to find your way through a maze of questionable men but there are some good ones out there!

        • Terri Connett

        • November 18, 2014 at 11:16 am
        • Reply

        Yes, kissing a lot of frogs to get to the prince. But I really don’t have the stomach for it.

      • Madge

      • November 17, 2014 at 6:53 pm
      • Reply

      I did it For 3 months on 4 or 5 websites. Not one date. The two who contacted me fave me names that were ungoogleab,e and then gave me the greatest stories about how and why they weren’t on. Delete. Did you know that the services have phony guys who wink and email you who are not real? I have tried over the 15 years on and off. Awful beyond belief.

        • Terri Connett

        • November 20, 2014 at 7:08 am
        • Reply

        Well you confirmed my assumption that all the sites are the same. So sad they scam people who find the courage to put themselves out there to find love. Almost criminal!

    • I’m dying over here… best one yet, Terri. But hey, what’s wrong with “Please like sex.” … he said please!? 🙂 As for the other guy, should you not get hungry at 8 AM or PM? Or is it both because he’s got octophobia? Anyway, I’ve run into my share of female whackos via online dating and I’m thinking it’s 100x worse for you ladies. I can’t even imagine.

      Your friend,
      Harry A. Nuss

        • Terri Connett

        • November 18, 2014 at 11:18 am
        • Reply

        Oh my god, Mr. Nuss! You crack me up!! (Just got the pun.) He did not specify AM or PM so you might be right about the fear of ate’s.

      • Hannah Sullivan

      • November 18, 2014 at 7:20 pm
      • Reply

      Great column! You are too funny.

      We have the same luck with online dating. I would tell you it gets better but I honestly don’t know. Seems like men are the same in their 20’s and in their 50’s when it comes to dating. Good grief.

        • Terri Connett

        • November 19, 2014 at 6:46 am
        • Reply

        Thanks Hannah! It seems some men, not all, but some never leave the third grade. I had fun with it once I realized it wasn’t going to work in the friendship/romance area. 🙂

    • OMG… it’s a dating nightmare when you’re over 40, let alone 50! I found my needle-in-a-haystack soulmate when I wasn’t looking for him. But it was online – we had a common obsessive interest in John Lennon. So… attend activities you really love and talk to people… you know they have common interests. And talk to the women too, because they may think… “Hey, I know someone who would really like you.” And just genuinely have fun, because while you’re waiting for the “right one” to come along, you’ll be enjoying your life! It’s not time wasted!
      And also remember, as Cher once famously said, “Men are luxuries, not necessities.”

      • Janis Guckenberger

      • January 1, 2015 at 3:48 pm
      • Reply

      Hey Funny Lady, when you get to my over 60 age group for online dating, the guys are either looking for a nurse or a purse! Also their screen names need to include ED to indicate performance problems.

    Leave a Reply to Hannah Sullivan Cancel reply