Pee-pee doors are key to what’s happening
by Donald K. Sanders
I think I may have uncovered a most heinous crime against humanity. If my data is correct, it may be our women that perpetrate these horrible crimes aimed at disheveling men that have reached a certain age. I call it disheveling, but in its very nature it may equal betrayal way worse than murder, and far, far worse than anything any man has ever even thought of at any time ever in our history. Ever! It may be pure evil!
I am a man myself, so I can’t fully understand what exactly women are up to, or what is behind their reasoning. This being said, I can only, using my incredibly superior mind and powerful good looks, explain in simple laymen’s terms to illustrate my theory so the rest of you men will be able to understand.
I know it’s hard for most men to concentrate on any given subject for any length of time. If you plan to understand this theory, it will take every ounce of concentration that you are capable of conjuring up. The most important advice that I can give you at the onset of this column is three words: Focus-Focus-Focus (That’s Latin for something).
First of all, it is imperative that you keep this column away from the prying eyes of the women of your family. Should these women, that are supposed to love you and care for you, see my incredibly brilliant words, they will have a member of their “sorority” stamp on me like a roach on a rug. There is one among them that is capable of editing these words into an essay on why shoes don’t fit both feet even though everybody knows that all feet are identical and opposite.
I begin, so be ever vigilant in your efforts to follow what I am about to impart upon your brains. Should your woman stroll past your secure position smelling good, being all jingly and looking really good, ignore her. She is trying to figure out what exactly you are up to. Focus! They are tricky. They might even tell you they’re looking for a piece of tape to fix a loose cracker package or announce, “Your clothes are done.” As the dryer buzzes 10 times, loud enough for the neighbors to hear.
Item number one: Underwear. In recent years, I have become aware of certain changes in my underwear that I think are designed to make me feel and look like an old man. The changes are gradual so they escape the attention of you normal-thinking men. Men, once you read this, you’ll fully understand what I’m saying.
You know the little hole in the front of your underwear? I will call it the pee-pee door. Anyway, some years ago, I noticed that the pee-pee door in my underwear was getting lower and lower. Every time my wife bought me underwear, the door was lower in the new garment than the one in my old garments. If I hold up a pair of underwear from 10 years ago and compare the location of the door on a pair that was recently purchased by my wife, the pee-pee hole is like a foot lower.
When I first noticed that I was no longer able to use the door, I freaked out. “What is happening to me?” I thought. Other men would catch me crying in restrooms. They would put their hands on my back and say, “What’s the matter, Brother?” I would retort, “I can’t reach the damn door!” At this point, most of them would, like Yogi Bear, “exit stage left.” Sometimes I would sob for hours and hours.
Then, like a miracle, I had the solution. All I had to do was pull them up so the door was closer to my thingy. This worked just fine for years until one day I noticed that the door was also lower on my pants. I thought, “Geez! My underwear are already up under my armpits, there is no room for my pants too!” I thought, “How do other men handle this problem?” I decided to investigate.
I walked around town and I didn’t have to wait long before I found an old guy with his pants up under his armpits. I approached him and asked why he wore his pants like that. Well I have to tell you that his answer scared the hell out of me! His eyes turned red, and he said something I couldn’t understand in a manner that made him slobber all over himself. I had to jump back to avoid the spray.
“Holy crap!” I thought.
It took this encounter with my future self to make me understand what exactly is going on. The whole thing about pee-pee doors is a plot by our women to steal our power. At the point in time when you first have to pull your underwear up to use the pee-pee door, you’re lost! You feel older and you look older when others view you in your underwear. By the time your jeans are mid-chest, everyone thinks you are an old man.
Girls will now say, “Eew!” if you say something sexy to them. It is all very sad, for you may find the girl that you believe to be the love of your life but you see yourself as an old man so you let your heart break, and never announce your love and passion to the one that you were destined to spend your life with but never will. You are old and she is young.
I have one thing to say to the males of the world. Pay no attention when a woman or girl tells you to pull up your pants. If you want to sag, go ahead and sag. Let your whole ass hang out like a flag on a windy day. Yes sir: Let the free sag fly! Amen, brother!