• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • May 27, 2015 in Columnists

    Popularity, answers to all your problems, and lady sex too

    There are things that clearly frustrate people because either they don’t know what they’re doing or they don’t know how to get others to do what you want. I say, “Don’t get frustrated!” There are unbelievably easy ways to make almost anyone do what you want. When you find out just how easy it is, you just might poop your pants like my Facebook friend Carolyn Srygley-Moore did.

    There you go! If you want to know what others have going on in their private lives, all you have to do is go to Facebook! Most of the time, people voluntarily supply private information but if they don’t, you can simply ask questions and their private information just sorta slips out. For example you could ask, “Carolyn, what did you do in your pants the other day?” Nine times out of 10, Carolyn would say, “Oh, I pooped my pants!”

    See, I would never have known Carolyn pooped her pants unless she volunteers the information. I just don’t think it’s cool to just ask her out of the blue if she has pooped her pants, even with the fact that I poop my pants on a regular basis. Of course no one will ever know that because I don’t put it on Facebook. No one will know from this column either, because no one ever reads my column.

    Another thing that I can do that most people don’t know how to do is build up your readership statistics. If no one reads your column at iPinionSyndicate.com, all you have to do is cheat the stats. When I send in a column, it’s embarrassing when no one ever reads it. You can go to the stats and it says, “0 people read this column!” OK, in just one hour and 50 minutes, I was able to click on my column 432 times, so it looks like about 600 people read the column.

    If you want to become a great writer, known all around the world, that’s easy too. First, you write something really stupid like this column, and you send it in to iPinionSyndicate.com, and an editor like Maya Spier Stiles North or Debra DeAngelo will fix it up and make it look like a million dollar baby. Sometimes the stuff I send in doesn’t even make sense.

    Another way you can get information on Facebook is to ask questions. For instance, you might ask a question like the one I saw tonight on Facebook. You might ask, “What is the oldest thing you own and still use?” Some people like Amy Ferris will answer, “My vagina.” Now I wouldn’t answer anything like that, but I do have a plastic sphincter that came out of my dad when he passed away. Sometimes I play with it and act like it’s talking to me.

    I even submitted an idea to the American Medical Association on how to apply my idea of a new sphincter assembly. Tie a small cork on a small but strong wire and swallow it while leaving about a foot sticking out of your mouth. When you have a bowel movement, the cork will push out your rear end. When you’re done, just pull the end sticking out of your mouth until the cork seats where it’s supposed to seat. (You might have to wiggle a little.) Sometimes I’m so smart!

    Say you want someone to come to your front door or call you on the phone. For many years, I just couldn’t get others to cooperate because they always want to go by their own schedule. It took many years before I found the way to make others bend to my will every damn time. There are things you can do that work magically every time.

    I have found through careful research that 99.5 percent of the time, if you’re waiting for someone to come to your house, all you have to do is go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet. The mere act of sitting on the toilet is guaranteed to bring a knock on your door, every time. It works for phone calls too. Go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet without your phone and the damn thing will ring every time. You’ll hear it clearly ringing from the other room.

    Here is another good one to know. Say you have one of those plastic swimming pools — the pools that are about four feet deep and 15 feet wide. You have it all set up, but you don’t want to have a big water bill after it’s full. This is a problem that causes many people to go all summer with a dry pool even though the solution is staring them in the face. Simple I say.

    My pool is filled for free every year because I have two solutions to this problem. If the pool is set up all you need is a big hose and a pipe wrench. Hook the hose to the nearest fire hydrant just as soon as it gets dark. Place a couple of cardboard boxes over the hose so the cops won’t see it. Simple isn’t it?

    If you don’t have a hydrant near your house simply wait until your neighbor leaves or goes to bed, and sneak into his yard and run his water hose over to your pool. Be sure to be done before dawn because they might see the hose going over the fence and they might not like it.

    Another trick is nice for a neighbor that has a nice vegetable garden and you want some of his tomatoes. It is so simple to fix one of your fence boards to swivel. Slide the board over enough to get your arm through and they will wonder like hell what happened to their tomatoes. Same thing works with apples, oranges, and avocados. Your neighbor will never suspect you are stealing them from him if you put a few in a bag and say, “I heard someone stole all of your tomatoes. Here, have some of mine.”

    I have an answer for all of your questions about things you don’t know how to do. In the near future, I will open a Facebook page where women can ask me questions about sex. Of course, the men are on their own, because I don’t want to even think about men having sex. I just want to know what normal people like women do or want to do. That’s not too much to ask is it?

    It will be something like this, “Do you ladies have some questions about sex but are afraid to ask someone else? Well, just go to the Facebook page of “LongdongDon” and fill out the questionnaire. Be sure to include your credit card number and pin. Do it today!”

    • I read your columns! I’m your biggest fan! 🙂

      • Madgew

      • May 27, 2015 at 8:44 am
      • Reply

      I read your stories too. Your brain is magical.

    • Sorry ladies, I can’t pay you for compliments until someone leaves their credit card info.

    • hey don…cone to the river and stay a while…got a bungh of rocks to show you…we all love you here…waiting

      • csrygleymoore

      • August 4, 2015 at 2:16 pm
      • Reply

      people who talk about pant pooping do it themselves.
      Ps never heard of you

    Leave a Comment