Proposing creation of the Department of Public Lies
You know what? I have the solution to all the problems that we, as a community have been struggling with for the past few years. When I tell you about my plan you will probably think, “Why didn’t I think of that?” After tha,t you will probably think, “That Donald Sanders is a very intelligent and thoughtful person.”
My solution, of course, will need the cooperation of the City of Winters Mayor, Cecilia Aguiar Curry and City Manager, Jon Donlevy. Just to make it respectable, I’m going to throw in Mayor Pro Tem, Woody Fridae, too. We all know that without the approval of at least one of these individuals nothing, I mean nothing, will change in this city.
Here it is! The City of Winters needs a big fat liar! We could call it the Department of Public Lies. Now we all know who is best qualified to fill this position. I think it’s pretty much common knowledge who is the biggest, fattest, liar in town. Maybe even the entire county or, I would even venture to say, the entire state.
Who is better qualified to head the Department of Public Lies than me, good old Donald K. Sanders? I am a liar. Everybody knows I’m a liar. No one knows the power of lies like I do, no one that I know of anyway. No one else in our community has a mental grasp of the good things that can be accomplished with lies.
Of course, liars with my qualifications do not come cheap. I think a salary in the $100,000 range would suffice. Throw in a new city vehicle with Department of Public Lies printed on the doors and an allowance for nice clothing and even a liar like me would go for it. Oh, and I would have to have access to the water in the fire hydrant by my house to water my grass.
Now that there are no objections as to my qualifications for the job, what exactly would I hope to accomplish with the newly formed Department of Public Lies? What would I hope to get across to you, my peoples, my peeps? What function would I serve? Well, my function, of course, you dummies! I call you dummies because if you weren’t a dummy, you wouldn’t be reading my column anyway, right?
Here’s what I would do as head of the Department of Public Lies. I would announce that Phase III of the City of Winters Nature Park creek restoration project will be completed within 3 months and anyone that objects is a dirty stinkin racist! That’s Racist with a capital R! Furthermore, you will not be allowed to wear your white robes and hoods to the City Council meetings any more. All of your names have been printed in the Oakland Tribune along with your pictures.
In further announcements:
• The nearest honest auto parts store is located in Vacaville.
• The new speed limit on Grant Street, all the way through town is now 50 MPH. No speeding tickets will be issued until the speed signs have been changed sometime next month.
• Parking meters are to be installed on Elliott Street all the way from East Main Street to East Abbey Street, but only citizens of the City of Davis have to pay full price. Porta-Potties will be located near my driveway in case you forget to pee before you leave Davis. You will no longer be allowed to pee on my hedges.
• The City of Winters water treatment plant will be closed after this week and all sewage will now be dumped in the creek to flow downstream to whatever the next town is — it doesn’t matter anyway.
• Any attempts to undermine the authority of the Department of Public Lies will be viewed as an act of terrorism.
Any inquiries the public may have concerning the Department of Public Lies will require submission of your photo to be printed along with your name in the Oakland Tribune.