• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • June 6, 2014 in Columnists

    Scientific breakthrough

    I, Donald K. Sanders, am on the verge of a scientific breakthrough. When I release the results of my 32 years of research, the world will be at my feet and they will no longer ignore my theories about microscopic animals. Thirty-two years ago, I couldn’t afford a microscope to begin my studies on the uncommonly friendly Red Spider Mite. I am 64 years old now, so 32 years ago I was 32 years old.

    I happened upon the idea of Red Spider Mites in one of my grade school math classes. No one had ever thought of a Red Spider Mite but I had mathematically deducted their existence. Many years I forced myself to try to find the Red Spider Mite but it was very hard for me, since they are microscopic and I didn’t have a microscope. I didn’t know how to proceed and I almost gave up.

    I gave it one last effort when I figured if I look the wrong way through a telescope it would be the same as looking through a microscope. At first glance, I did see something really, really, small but it turned out to be my feet. I was dejected and rejected, and almost gave up on the Red Spider Mite.

    Ten long years later, I found one quite by accident. Now I know there is only one place on Earth that you will find the Red Spider Mite. Quite by accident, I found the only place on this planet where the friendly Red Spider Mite can exist. The one place that you will find a Red Spider Mite is on the outer rim of the anus of a 24-year-old white male from South Africa.

    Through the years, time after time, this has proven to be true of every single 24-year-old white male from South Africa. Word somehow got out that I was interested in finding the Red Spider Mite and suddenly white males from South Africa were lining up outside my laboratory door hoping I would look for the friendly mite.

    Today, after looking at the anuses of 10 white males from South Africa, I found something rare and possibly a Pulitzer Prize view of the friendly Red Spider Mite. I found and filmed a pair of Red Spider Mites trying to mate. The subject white male from South Africa writhed in pain as I probed for the mites and I’m sorry to announce he did not survive the probing.

    Now the scientific community has been on edge of panic waiting for the film I am releasing for you to view tonight. I hope you enjoy the film as much as I did, for it was 32 years in the making. Please relax and view the video at the link below.

    Mite sex

  • Leave a Comment