• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

    • August 28, 2013 in Columnists

    Sexual desires of men — oink, oink

    The wonderful and talented Sivan Rotholz Teitelman wrote “How often do YOU have sex?”  I felt like I need to address men’s sexual desires.  What the hell do men desire?  What do men sexually fantasize about?

    In my mind, I am the stereotypical male sex pig.  I have a laminated lifetime membership card that I carry at all times and I’m not apologizing for it one bit.  My mind’s ability to sexualize anything rivals that of Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner, Jack Nicholson, Tiger Woods, Henry the 8th and James Bond.  And it will never stop.

    Some women ask me what guys sexually fantasize about and my answer always pisses them off. 

    A man will sexually fantasize about anyone except the woman he’s in a relationship with.

    I’m sorry ladies.  I know you feel devastated that men lie to you when you ask, “Do you fantasize about me?”  Of course he’s going to say yes and serve up a little white lie wrapped with a red bow.  Let the Wookie win.

    Take me for example. In my mind, there’s an endless cast of women in my sexual fantasies including Rosario Dawson, Jessica Alba, Lauren Hill, Serena Williams, Aubrey Plaza, Susan Sarandon, lunch ladies, teachers I had, random women at a bus stop, lady janitors, classmates in high school and college, pregnant women, old broads, cat ladies, dog ladies, ladies without cats or dogs, lesbians, and the list goes on and on.  I have a cast of thousands upon thousands of women, and my penis wants to be inside or around all of them.  It’s an endless buffet of random broads in my mind.

    Every nine seconds we sexually fantasize about someone.  And the fantasies are absolutely disgusting to you.

    Now that I have alienated every single precious female reader I have, allow me to try to get them back.  My revelation above doesn’t mean your husband or boyfriend is off the hook for betraying you.

    I never said cheating was OK.  Breathe your collective sigh of relief.  Men are capable of being monogamous, even if monogamy is unnatural and illogical. It doesn’t mean that men can’t give it the ole’ college try.  Men just shrug their shoulders and say I guess I will give it a shot with the ole’ ball n’ chain.

    Some people have told me that men are happier when they’re married.  It is probably true, despite me seeing any actual evidence to support that posit.  I have never been married nor have I ever been in a long term relationship.  However, I have been around the block and observed enough human behavior to know there are three things that can destroy relationships: money, lack of communication and sexual incompatibility.

    My point here is that despite what I said about men’s endless fantasies and promiscuity, we can rein it in a bit.  Men are capable of being faithful.  But ladies (and some men) you have to do your part and talk about sex and desire in a mature and non-judgmental way.

    If ladies ask and don’t hold their noses and men aren’t huge pussies and actually tell the truth, you can get through the conversation.  Ladies, you’re not always going to be the sexual oasis of desire for your boyfriend or husband.  Men, don’t give too many details about what you’re thinking sexually — that’s a guaranteed nightly visit to the couch (this is why I am a proponent of men and women having separate rooms when they live together).    

    I’m not giving a pass on a man betraying you.  I’m just presenting some reality that men are going to look and flirt with other women as you ladies (or dudes) will look and flirt with other men. 

    My point is that men cannot be afraid to be called pigs.  Fuck it, embrace it men.  We are sluts.  Tell women about the cast of thousands in your mind, and that your wife or husband should not be afraid of your unending desire.  We made a choice to be monogamous despite our brains and hormones.

    I am a solutions oriented sort of man.  The solution here is quite simple.  Talk.  Listen.  Do not judge.  Be honest.  Keep your fingers crossed and perhaps even though your man is a pig in his mind and biology, he won’t be San Diego Mayor Filner.  The upside to him being a pig is that he can find very expensive mushrooms for you with his snout. There are positive features to being a pig. 

    We don’t have to bang everything in sight even though we really really really have that desire. 

    Where’s my trough —  I want my lunch.

    • And how is this all working for you Matt:) Never married (no big deal) but never been in a long term relationship is something else. Maybe a change in direction for you is headed your way. I equate someone who has no kids telling parents how to raise theirs. I do like your writing and you do stimulate conversation.

    • Happy it does. Doesn’t sound like you have ever been in love or really connected to a woman. It might surprise you one day. 🙂

      • Heather Lee Alani

      • August 28, 2013 at 5:01 pm
      • Reply

      fyi= women fantasize too and lie.

    • Matt,you did say oink oink in your title.

      • Carolyn Wyler

      • August 29, 2013 at 8:21 am
      • Reply

      Women are pigs, sluts and lie as well. I know sometimes when I don’t even realize it I find myself flirting and I’ve been happily married for 22 years (take or give a few for difficulties/fights etct. Thanks for the honesty.

    • I beg to differ! I never lie and I fantasize only about my wife. I tried to fantasize about another woman one time but my wife broke my nose so now I look at the ground when women are around. I guess it is not true that I don’t lie. I’m lying right now. 🙂

    • I’m beginning to fantasize about you Matt!

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