• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • April 22, 2017 in Columnists

    Shhhh… it’s the turkeys…

    Yesterday I went over to my friend, Terry Vender’s, house because I had an inkling that something was not right here in our little town of Winters, California. After I read the local newspaper, I got this uneasy feeling from my head to my knees that I just couldn’t shake. Whenever I get like that, I get on my wife’s nerves, so she tells me, “Why don’t you go over and bother Terry?”

    So I say, “Okay, maybe I will!”

    Terry’s a pretty smart guy. He’s a government man who works for the City of Winters. He travels all around town all day long, so he knows everybody and their brother. He says he sees everything that goes on in town, so when something is not right, well, he’s the guy who fixes it. He and I make a pretty good team because he is the government fixer guy and I am the big important newspaper whatever guy. Terry is my secret source of information.

    Anyway, back to my story. When something bothers me, I go to Terry’s house for information. He’s real smart and knows exactly what is what. So, I hear power tools, so I know he’s in his garage. There he is grinding his toenails with a sanding disc on a dremmel. He has like a 5th sense so he knows I’m there before he sees me.

    “Sup?” he says.

    Being the news guy that I am, I got right to the point in the first 10 minutes or so.

    “Did you see the article on page one of the Winters Express today?” I says.

    Terry says, “The one about the gang of turkeys?”

    “Yep.” I replied.

    Terry says, “If I were you, I’d drop this one. It’s a hot potato!” Terry speaks in riddles sometimes, not unlike the Zodiac killer, forcing me to interpret what I think he means. He knows everything he says will end up in the newspaper, so he chooses his words like picking melons in a corn field.

    So now I’m thinking, “COVERUP!”

    Terry tells me this story:

    “The government and the mass media lies to the public all the time? I’m not talking about once in a while. It happens all the time. If they don’t lie, they stretch the truth or twist it to suit whatever agenda they are on. It’s ridiculous. Not only do they lie, they get away with it, too. No one ever gets arrested and no one goes to jail.

    “Take the Kennedy assassination. The government has classified files that were frozen for 50 years. That is just long enough for anyone involved to be already dead before the file is opened. For your info, those files were just frozen again for another 10 years. I’m sick of it, but I don’t know what to do about it. Sick, I say!”

    He was beginning to rant now.

    Yes, right there on the front page of the April 20 edition was a full-fledged cover up. Information was withheld from us and deliberately down-played so as to hide what amounts to imminent danger to the public. It’s criminal and I’m going to tell!

    (Note to self: Look up “imminent.”)

    It doesn’t surprise me that this was written by Editor Debra DeAngelo. Entitled “Turkeys cut power!” the article reports that on the morning of April 18, a group of turkeys cut the power to the Golden Bear area that lies just about 100 miles outside of town. Debra quotes Brandi Merlo, PG&E spokesperson, stating that 101 customers had suffered power outages.

    I suppose we’re to believe that’s why the lights wouldn’t work in that area.

    I have a friend who lives up there and according to him, they had to watch TV in the dark or by candle light. Why didn’t Debra Darn DeAngelo tell us about the lights not working? Oh, and why didn’t Debra “Omit the Information” DeAngelo report the rest of the information about this gang of turkeys? The night before the morning the power went out (I can’t remember the date), the very same gang of turkeys were terrorizing certain residents of this very town.

    Terry says an old lady with gray hair was forced off the road by this gang of turkeys just two nights ago. What’s so bad about this incident is the fact that the old lady had four babies in the car and one of them bumped his head causing him to poop his diaper. It was a mess! To make matters worse, Terry says that the cops didn’t respond.

    “Wow,” I say, “This is big news!”

    So there you have it! This gang of turkeys is big trouble for Winters, California. If they can put out the power in the Golden Bear area, they can put out the power downtown. If that happens, all the money I’ve collected for my new charity, the “Feed the Poor Kids of Winters, California Foundation” might just come up missing. Money from this foundation has come up missing before. Terry thinks whoever took it went to the casino with him.

    There you have it! I guess this gang of turkeys will be around for a while. Should you be attacked by this gang, that’s just too bad. They’re protected by forces we are unaware of. I don’t think I’m going to write anything about this, because if those turkeys will run a car off the road with a little old lady and five babies in it, what would they do to me?

    I’m just going to drop this whole thing and let Terry and the other government guys handle this one.

    • If you think the Turkey Gang caused havoc… beware… Peacocks are moving into town! There may be a rumble!

      • The way that I hear it from Terry is that the Turkeys were sexually harassing the Ducks. That why they had to postpone the thingy they are doing.

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