• So Tempted to Steal Their Work

    by Donald K. Sanders

    Between the Winters Express and the iPinion Syndicate, I’ve seen some mighty fine writing. This makes me happy and sad at the same time. I’m happy that I have something that is well written and meaningful to read, but at the same time I’m sad because I didn’t write it.

    When I see something that is so well written, it makes my brainstem hurt all the way to my tailbone. My brain says, “Steal it Donald, steal it.” Well actually, it doesn’t say that, but it does think it.

    The June 2 edition of the Winters Express had two such items. The first was written by Margaret Burns entitled, “Lessons for the Living” and the other was a letter to the editor from Tracy Calvert entitled “Resign or be Fired.” I wanted to steal them both.

    Of course, I couldn’t use what I was stealing in the Winters Express, so I would have to post it on the iPinion Syndicate columnist web page. (iPinion.us) And of course I’d have to change a few words around and put my name as the author.

    Out of respect for my editor, I sent an email to Debra DeAngelo.

    “Can I steal Margaret Burns’ column, post it on iPinion.us, and say that I wrote it?” I asked. She replied, “If a frog had only one wing, would it fly in circles?”

    I thought to myself, “What?”

    “What does that mean?” I asked.

    She said, “I’ll make it simple for you.” This is the story she told me:

    Donald, we don’t know who Margaret Burns really is. We think that maybe she is affiliated with the FBI, CIA, Home Security, or maybe all of them. We don’t know. Every time we have tried to investigate her, there is a drive-by shooting at the office. That’s why you never hear about our front office personnel retiring. We just bury them. We have recently run out of space to hide the bodies so we started a fake garden across Railroad Avenue and are hiding the dead under the tomato plants.

    We also think that Margaret may be connected to someone down at the IRS because we just received a bill for unpaid taxes in the amount of $2,453,331.99. The bill was hand delivered by a man in a black suit who looked a lot like the bad guy from “Planet of the Apes.” As he left the office his tail got caught in the closing door. The guy said, “Squawk Squawk Squawk!” and then he tore the door off the hinges.

    Debra ended the conversation rather nervously saying, “You can try to steal it if you want but I don’t think you can.”

    I thought for about a minute longer than I usually do and then I decided I’d go ahead with my plan to steal Margaret’s column. I knew what to do and how to do it. I brought up her column on line. I carefully put my computer cursor on her first word so that I could copy and paste it onto my blank word document.

    I held my breath and slowly pressed the mouse button, slowly, slowly, POW it clicked. The crap hit the fan! My entire monitor was covered with the words: WARNING FBI WARNING FBI WARNING FBI.

    Holy crap! Who is this lady? I had to find out because I wanted that column really, really bad. I was going to have to Google her. This in itself was very scary. I could get killed.

    I typed her name in the search box and I almost crapped my pants when I got 1,040,000 hits. I thought, “Ah ha, there’s a lot more to this lady than anyone knew. Right away I start thinking that this could win me a Pulitzer Prize and I wouldn’t have to nominate myself either. I had hit the jackpot!

    She is Senior Vice President and Director of Global Health, Population, and Nutrition Group. Probably a front for the CIA.

    She authored a book, LYNX.

    A Journal for Linking Poets. This could be a site where operatives could send coded messages, I don’t know, nobody does. I think she may have discovered a remedy for ear mites in cats.

    Margaret Burns is President of the Board of the Yolo Community Foundation. I don’t know what the heck that is! Something secret, I bet.

    Another search result said that Margaret played a distinct role of hydrodynamic shear in leukocyte-facilitated tumor cell extravasations. It also said something else that I don’t know what the hell it means: “Schematic of endothelium-polymorph nuclear neutrophil (PMN) tumor cell adhesion.” Now I was getting really scared! I decided not to copy her column.

    There was a letter to the editor in the same issue of the Express by Tracy Calvert regarding a recent Grand Jury investigation of the local school board that I wanted to steal entitled, “Resign or be Fired.” This is excellent writing. She simplifies things for us that are all to often hidden from view.

    Tracy illustrates crimes capable of harm that most directly affects the innocent, and from which the political elite are most insulated. Tracy points out that there are abuses of power and forms of corruption that are in fact legitimated within established legal structures. Tracy points out that it is eminently clear from the inception whose interests would be served by accountability, and whose were impeded.

    The local political abuses that occurred behind doors closed to the public were never due to a lack of understanding about what might bring greater integrity to the various processes involved. Rather, what they illustrate is how well the lessons of accountability and integrity were already understood, as evidenced by the determined and methodical attempts to evade and compromise the structures of our local school board.

    Give ‘em hell, Tracy.

      • Hollye Dexter

      • July 3, 2011 at 11:53 am
      • Reply

      You don’t need to steal anybody’s work, Donald. You’ve got plenty of crazy-ass stories of your own!

    • fantastic! just fantastic. can i steal your work? can i?
      so much love.

      • Judy

      • July 3, 2011 at 3:53 pm
      • Reply

      Writers steal everything. Very witty and very light-fingered both.

    • Donald, I feel privileged because you asked me if you could steal one of my stories off my blog. I think your writing is creative and wonderful and there is no need to steal. I think you are brilliant and funny.

      • Jesse

      • July 5, 2011 at 10:23 pm
      • Reply

      Donald, just be you and we will definitely read it!

    • The column Donald wrote about by Maggie Burns is posted on the main page!

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