Some people need to be smacked
by Kelvin Wade
I’m not a violent guy. Okay, my older brother, who I hit in the head with a toy clock, and a cousin whose back I broke an Etch-a-Sketch on growing up would probably disagree. But as an adult, I’m not a violent guy. But some people make me want to slap them upside the end. Consider this a virtual smack upside the head.
Number one, and it’s a no brainer, is Willard Mitt Romney. His condescending description of half of the American people as thoughtless, lazy government-entitled victims that he plans to write off deserves a good smack upside his head. Let alone the fact that he’s the emptiest of suits, a coreless cipher only motivated by the desire to take up residence in a new house (so he can add a car elevator for the Presidential limo).
Next up is his sidekick, Eddie Munster, AKA Paul Ryan. Showing up at an empty soup kitchen to pretend to wash dishes for the cameras insults voters and shows, for all that alleged brainpower, that you’re an idiot. Next time, go when homeless people actually need to be served and leave the cameras outside.
President Barack Obama. He gets props for taking it to Mittens and sticking him in the second debate. But I still need to smack him upside the head for that first debate. Everything was golden. Your supporters send you cash, Romney shoots himself in the foot, the GOP has a weak convention, the Dems convention rocks, Bill Clinton reframes the race, the 47% remark exposed Romney and what, you needed to make it more difficult? It was getting too easy? Glad you got your mojo back, but you still deserve that smack.
Next up is Donald Trump. And if you have to ask why he needs to be smacked upside the head, you need a good smack.
Orly Taitz, AKA the Birther Queen, needs a good smack upside her head. I’d let her cup a hand over her other ear first so her brain doesn’t fly out.
I would offer the same courtesy to Sarah Palin but it wouldn’t be necessary.
Roger Goodell, NFL Commissioner, needs a cuff upside the noggin. Letting replacement referees call professional football games? Really?
Mel Gibson can use a head-clearing smack. Who knew the psychotic, suicidal Riggs from “Lethal Weapon” wasn’t a stretch? He had Hollywood in the palm of his hand. “The Passion of the Christ” was a violent spectacle that left the viewer shocked, battered and emotionally spent. Now that’s the same way you feel when you listen to one of Mel’s epic drunken secretly recorded rants.
Kris Jenner and the Kardashians. You knew that was coming, didn’t you? I don’t want to keep up with them, watch their shows or buy their products. Whenever I hear about the Kardashians I keep trying to figure out why they’re celebrities. If having a father who was friends with a killer is a launchpad for stardom, there are a lot of gangbangers who should have a show.
Lindsay Lohan and family. I’d like to line up father, mother and daughter and just execute a triple smack. Then I’d have to go back and smack the parents again because they deserve it more.
Next up is Chris Brown. He went on my Punk List when he attacked Rihanna. The guy not only beat her up, he bit her. That’s a whole different level of savage. He’s talented, but when I hear his music I think about fava beans and a nice Chianti for some reason.
Right after his head gets smacked, Rihanna’s is next because she can’t leave this guy alone. What are you thinking? Did you aspire in life to be a singer and a chew toy? Of course I’m not going to smack Rihanna because Chris will be doing that. Cautionary tale.
You know I have to smack Kanye West. My advice to him is simple. Write songs, record them and perform them. If you’re not doing those things, then don’t talk.
Ted Nugent. After your dome receives the smack, see the advice I gave to Kanye. And here’s another tip: How about your music making you relevant rather than your psychosis?
Mama June Shannon, Honey Boo Boo’s mother, needs a slap upside her meaty head. Did you just ask me why? Lean your head over here.
The next few heads that need smacking are more on a personal level.
This might seem like it’s coming out of left field but I’ve always wanted to slap Bill Cosby upside the head. I love Cos and still listen to his stuff. But he was also the reason I could never wear an orange sweater, blue jeans and white sneakers growing up.
Brian DePalma. Yes, I’m talking about the director of “Carrie,” “Scarface,” and “The Untouchables.” Years ago, my girlfriend’s daughter and I went to see his movie, “Black Dahlia.” We’ll never get that time back. Truth is, I’ve always wanted to knock him out cold. I think he’d wake up, look up at me from the ground and say, “Black Dahlia, right?”
The dude who almost sideswiped my girlfriend and me last week and then ran a red light deserves a smack. But since the Red Light Cameras flashed while your car was in the intersection, I’ll just be happy that you’ll be getting a ticket in the mail.
So who do you want to smack?