• Some quotes to live by

    by Donald K. Sanders

    Today is “Talk About Quotes Day.” Everybody has their own favorite quotes. Everybody uses quotes to support an idea or to illustrate a point. We all do, don’t we? We all do the same thing. We read through hundreds of famous quotes until we find one that means something to us. We like a quote because it talks to us, it tells the truth. At least we think it does.

    Some very famous quotes mean absolutely nothing at all. Others, equally as famous, mean something entirely different than we thought it would. For example, in the Bible, Chapter 22, paragraph 21, Jesus says, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things that are Caesar’s; and unto God the things that are God’s.” Well, if you are as smart as I am you’ll know what this means.

    I’ll tell you exactly what it means. Say you have three asses and three bottles of bad wine when the tax man comes to your door. When the doorbell rings, you hide your asses and get drunk because if he sees you he’s going to take it all. Unless of course you can prove that it all belongs to God, but the tax man doesn’t want to hear that stuff anyway, so it’s pay up or go to jail.

    Most of the quotes from famous people like Jesus don’t apply to us anyway because Caesar owns us all, and what we think don’t make no nevermind. To Caesar, hog feathers and tooth fairies are the same as justice, mercy and duty. If you think that I’m mistaken and have it all wrong, just show me one atom of mercy or one atom of justice, and I’ll be the first to admit that I’m wrong.

    Now we’ll move on to some of the famous quotes that I’ve written through the years and I’ll explain in layman’s terms (dummy’s terms) exactly what they mean. Now you’re thinking to yourself, “Boy, that Don Sanders sure is smart, and he’s very good looking too.” Of course, you will be right.

    Quote # 1: “Honesty is not only the best policy, it’s the only policy!” I wrote this just before World War I while on vacation in the Alps. What this means is that it’s not advisable to lie because the government has a new camera that can tell when we’re lying. The computerized system uses a simple video camera with high-resolution thermal imaging sensors and a suite of algorithms.

    I think algorithms are some kind of music.

    Anyway, this new camera captures our emotions, given away in our eye movements, dilated pupils, biting or pressing together our lips, wrinkling our noses, breathing heavily, swallowing, and blinking. These are just the visible signs seen by the camera. Even swelling blood vessels around our eyes betray us, and the thermal sensor spots them immediately.

    Quote # 2: “If it ain’t one then it must be the other.” A fine example of this quote comes from a company that makes a computer program called “Turnitin” that can tell if a student has plagiarized his school papers. The same company makes another program called “Writecheck” that will tell a student if his paper will pass the “Turnitin” test. This company will do great things because they want to get it coming and going, just like the taxman.

    Quote # 3: “There’s a sucker born twice every minute.” This one I learned the hard way. This quote is best illustrated by looking at what NASA is doing with all of the old leftover space food that was manufactured in the 1970s and early ‘80s. NASA is selling all their leftover space food to grade schools so our kids can taste space food that was made in the 1970s and early ‘80s. Yummy!

    Quote # 4: “If you don’t want to get screwed, fire all of congress and move your money out of the big bank and put it in the small bank.” I just wrote this and you know in your heart that I’m right about this. You need to fire your big bank and every single person on Capitol Hill and replace them with the people that the City of Winters, where I live. I think they’d do a capital job of running this country. The FBI and the CIA can be replaced by the people at the Winters Police Department. I don’t know what those guys on the Hill are doing wrong, but I do know one thing for sure. Unlike the FBI and the CIA, you can’t get a thing past the Winters P.D. Go ahead and try it! You will see how true Quote number 3 is.

    Quote # 5: “You may forget what I have said, but it doesn’t matter anyway”

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