• author
    • Debra DeAngelo

    • December 22, 2016 in Columnists

    Step aside, Martha Stewart — I’d rather slap Kellyanne Conway

    It was 1997, and I had a Christmas wish. Just one.

    I wanted to slap Martha Stewart.

    She was so smug, so self-important, so overly satisfied with her fancy self, well, me being a tad less fancy, I’d had enough of Martha and her glamorous homemaking empire that made all us normal gals feel like pathetic rags.

    Just one well-placed smack. I longed for that. Fantasized about the smug flying sideways from her prim little Ice Queen mouth like spittle.

    Ahhhhh... life is good.

    Nineteen years ago, when I wrote that Martha column and made my case to Santa Claus about why I deserved this little burst of gratification in the name of real women everywhere, it was sincere. I was still raising kids, working full time, and coaching Little League and cheerleading, and I was doing well to get dinner on the table at all, let alone on china rimmed in hand-painted gold filigree. Besides, Hot Pockets belong on paper plates.

    But then the legal system slapped Martha for me. She was nabbed for Wall Street insider trading, and landed behind ordinary, mundane bars in an ordinary, mundane jail, with ordinary, mundane women, and, well, just thinking about that scenario put a bigger smile on my face than slapping her ever could have.

    Orange is the New Black, Martha… and it’s a Good Thing!


    Ah, but that was 1997, wasn’t it. I get all cozy with nostalgia just thinking about those days… the Clinton years, the roaring economy, dial-up modems and chat rooms, “Seinfeld” and “Friends,” Spice Girls and Jewel… the days when we hadn’t even heard of the Taliban yet, let alone Isis, and 911 was just a number you called on the phone. Oh, 1997 — you were just adorable!

    But this ain’t 1997.

    Step aside, Martha. There’s a new girl in town.

    So, pay attention, Fat Boy: When you fire up those reindeer and start doling out Christmas presents, I only want one thing this year: I want to slap Kellyanne Conway. And I don’t mean a prissy little bitch-slap like the one I was saving for Martha. I mean a full-power, flat-paw, mama bear right hook that swats her and her smarmy perpetually pasted-on smile into orbit.

    To the moon and back.

    Maybe not back.

    If she lands on the moon, she needs to stay there.

    Why so much animosity for this sycophantic little motor-mouth? I mean besides the fact that she alone is responsible for Donald Trump’s victory? Because she’s annoying as fuck. She’s like a verbal popcorn popper, spitting puffs of gibberish every which way at rapid fire.

    Except when she’s not. Sometimes, she goes completely silent, and her plow-jawed face spreads into a saccharine grin that serves as her Barbie doll war mask. While journalists and reporters pellet her with actual facts and legitimate inquiry, she smiles sweetly and serenely, and appears to be listening, but meanwhile, she’s ticking through her mental library of propaganda and bullshit. The nano-second the other person’s lips stop moving, she spews a prepared staccato stream of twisted twaddle that seems to be kryptonite for reporters. Once she starts babbling, reporters become curiously mentally incapacitated, unable to shake their heads free of her verbal bee swam of baloney and shriek, “That is utterly preposterous!” and go full-on Mike Wallace on her boney little butt.

    Ah, to see Mike Wallace chew her into sugary little pieces.

    Right before I slap her.

    I get misty thinking about it.

    Sorry, I mustn’t get distracted with daydreams. We must keep our eyes on the prize.

    So. You know what’s even more irritating than Kellyanne’s speed-talk poppycock? She’s actually quite brilliant. Disturbingly brilliant. A genius, even. She took the campaign of an uninformed, inexperienced, grotesquely self-serving megalomaniac just as it was toppling into pussy-grabbing political oblivion, completely turned it around, and propelled that sack of orange goo to victory.

    Yeah. Kellyanne did that. Her mind is as nimble as a world-class cutting horse, herding reporters around like cattle, this way and that, until the poor beasts are so exhausted and addled, all they can do is stand in the corner and stare.

    All that brilliance, and she chose to use it for evil.

    Tell me that’s not worth a slap or two or twenty.

    When the horrifying reality of President Trumplethinskin began sinking in, there was one small consolation: I figured Kellyanne’s dirty work was done, and we’d never hear from her again. But no. Rather than sliding back down into the murky, foul sludge from which she slithered out to rescue Trump’s campaign, that cloying chatterbox is omnipresent She’s everywhere at once, yap, yap, yapping like a grinning fountain of hyper-speed nonsense.

    And it’s about to get worse, my friends. Ever so much worse.

    Trump has just appointed Kellyanne “counselor to the President,” which means she’ll sit at his right hand, an anointed leader in his administration, and just as she did during his campaign, Kellyanne will absorb Trump’s third-grade monosyllabic grunting and translate it into what sounds like actual sentences and paragraphs. But, if you listen very carefully and don’t become mesmerized by her pixie-on-speed jabbering, you’ll realize it’s just a stream of manipulative malarkey carefully designed to protect Trump from responsibility for any of the grotesquely outrageous things he says or does. She’s almost Ninja in her ability to deflect a line of reasoning away from Trump and twist it, and the reporter, into a pretzel.

    So, this is what we have to look forward to for the next four years. Trump’s smiley, scrawny little Ninja mother bird, swallowing the worms of his idiocy, digesting it into thought-free pablum, and attempting to regurgitate it into our beaks. The Red Cap crowd will gulp it down. The press will choke on it. The rest of us will have projectile vomiting.

    Nothing but pablum and vomit, for four sad, long years. All because of Kellyanne.

    Admit it. You want to slap her too.

    The line forms on the left.


    • I wrote about this on Facebook today. Oy vey, I hate her and every time she opens her mouth it is to knock Hillary. Never substance on what a disaster Trump is and will be. I don’t believe she is truly that smart other than marketing and most of the Trump voters liked him whether she opened her mouth or not. She first went for Ted fucking Cruz I believe and before that Marco Rubio. If I were her, I would be so ashamed as to disappear both as a spokeswomen and as a women. She is a disgrace to everything I hold dear as a woman.

      • Terri Connett

      • December 22, 2016 at 4:31 pm
      • Reply

      Oh my GAAAAAAWD! I hate hate Kellyass Conway. You said it all. Great column!

      • Maya Spier Stiles North

      • December 22, 2016 at 11:58 pm
      • Reply

      Plow jawed face — snert. Woman needs serious orthodontistry. She is almost magnificently vile and, dear mercy, pray for her children. She reproduced! Dear mercy.

      So you get to the front of the line and once everybody has had a little fun, let the red belt finish her off. Pretty please?

      P.S. Martha is pretty cool now that Snoop Dogg is on a show with her. Who knew?

      P.P.S. Only one of those two is an actual felon 😉

      • “Magnificently vile”…. PERFECT!!!!
        And Martha… I think prison knocked her ego down a few pegs.
        And I agree… Kellyanne has inflicted far more damage on the country than poor snippy snotty Martha!

      • Lilly Lidine

      • December 26, 2016 at 8:49 pm
      • Reply

      I don’t agree with jumping all over Martha or Kellyanne.
      Ya’ll sound like freakin high school mean girls. Grow up and stop.
      You know it is the Holiday Season? Good will towards others?
      I am disappointed in both of you, Debra and Maya. I though ya’ll were above this name calling stuff?

      • REALLY. And I suppose you have no problem with the President-Elect calling anyone and everyone all sorts of derogatory names? Trumplethinskin is setting the tone.

          • Lilly Lidine

          • January 1, 2017 at 5:02 pm

          No, I do have a problem with what he says. You have a right to say what you want. He has a right to say what he wants….. Ya’ll all sound like immature school children being mean to their weaker class mates. I just thought you were a different type of person. You showed me your true self. Now I know how to take your writings.
          I joined ipinions because I follow Kathie Yount and her fight against suicide baiting. Kathie is a hero. She would not be running her mouth calling people names and blaming her actions on Trump.
          Debra you have stooped to his level. You have every right to but I thought you were a different person.

      • Madgew

      • December 29, 2016 at 7:55 am
      • Reply

      Trump and his choices are a new kind of fuckathon.

    • Well, it is extremely sad for me to see that so many of my favorite ladies — ALL of whom I MET and know because of my columns at iPinion (Maya, Debra, Madge, Liz, and Terri) — are arguing! When I think of your kind support and compassion extended to me in my darkest days, I am at a loss as to explain why this current fight broke out. I seriously think all of you are some of the greatest and most caring people I have ever known, so this discussion is painful to read. I also have no idea how to make everyone get along, but I would like to say that I, myself, have felt my own SOUL turning to the darkest side of life with the culmination of this election. Dylan will have been gone SEVEN years on 2-16-17, and it seems to me as if humanity keeps spiriling downhill into pure hate. The frustration level we are all experiencing is affecting ALL areas of our lives. I would also just like to remind each of you of love you gave to a complete stranger — ME. I do not think any one of you has a mean bone in her body.

      • Lilly Lidine

      • January 1, 2017 at 7:01 pm
      • Reply

      Love you Kathie. The answer to the darkness is to take the higher road. Fighting and name calling will only make it worse. Liz

    • I love you, too, Liz. I think the problem here is confusing the humor that Debra was using to describe her frustration with Kellyanne Conway. Journalists, especially, seek TRUTHS. Conway’s falsehoods are pretty hard to take, but by saying we’d like to knock her to the moon and maybe not “back,” we are using language ironically and humorously to vent our anger with the way Conway comports herself. I have met only one person in this discussion in real life (Maya), but I assure you — no one is bullying anyone here. I can’t imagine any fights with Ms. Conway that would be actually physical by anyone here. There is a difference, too, between name calling and CHARACTERIZING a person’s ACTIONS by using comparisons. I am no saint, either, Liz. I need these columns and others like it to help me cope. Like everyone else (especially those of us who read a lot), I am scared to death of a Trump presidency.

      • Thank you, Kathie. I was left unable to comment because “Liz” clearly does not understand humor or satire, and there’s no point explaining this to someone who takes every word literally. It’s like trying to explain color to someone who is color-blind. Pointless.
        And you and I are a world apart on our writing styles, so if Liz was expecting all iPinion writers to write just like you… she will be sorely disappointed.
        You are the best you, and I am the best me… and we each have our own style.
        I think Liz should start watching The Daily Show or Stephen Colbert or SNL so she has more exposure to satire and, as you said – humor that helps us cope with an untenable situation.

    • I lay in bed last night — worked up and sleepless as usual — trying to think how to explain humor. Your piece reminds me a lot of Mark Twain’s use of hyoerbole and understatement, and I have always admired how well you employ humor as a writer. On the other hand, I do not have your attendant courage to keep on fighting, Debra, and I have unfriended over 300 people over this. If there is a Saint Peter at the iconic Pearly Gate, the shortcut he could use like a password for entrance to paradise could be — how did you vote in 2016! People are as fragile as glass right now. I have no idea how we can ever get through this without violence.

    • Hyperbole. BTW, in “normal” life you two would have loved each other — she is a pioneer in TNR for thousands of kitties in NOLA.

      • Humor is an art… 😀
        As for unfriending people – Oh, I’ve done my share, on and off line. :/
        And I’d LOVE if St. Peter used that litmus test!
        As for your friend Liz, while we might have a love of cats in common, she is probably too sensitive and serious to get along with me. If you think I’m a handful in print… it’s exponentially worse in real life. People who are easily offended are not usually part of my social circle.

          • Lilly Lidine

          • January 2, 2017 at 8:42 pm

          Hahahaha , you are just so funny, Debra.

      • Lilly Lidine

      • January 2, 2017 at 8:08 pm
      • Reply

      Debra, You want to compare your writing with The Daily Show, Stephen Colbert or SNL? Forgive me that I didn’t see the link. ( Did you see the humor there? It’s called sarcasm)

      If this is what makes you feel better to get through the craziness, then ya’ll go ahead with your girls writing club.

      Kathie, I hope your comment about people being as fragile as glass and we may not get through this without violence is a joke.

      Our local shelter euthanasia rate has dropped from 78% to 19%!
      TNR has caught on. One of our parishes offers free spay/neuter to outside cats.
      Inside cats are $10 and dogs are $50. Finally we are seeing progress.

      • Actually, yes I DO compare it to that. And…. you kind of suck at humor, Lilly/Liz. I think you should leave it to the professionals.

    • My comment about how fragile people are right now and my uneasiness about future violence was definitely not a joke on my part.

      • Kathie, I think a LOT gets past Lilly/Liz.

          • Lilly Lidine

          • January 3, 2017 at 8:22 am

          You call yourself a professional?
          These jabs at me sound more like school girl meanness, but this is all satire, right? Hahaha.
          Don’t kid yourself, you don’t compare with funny satire on TV.

    • Lilly/Liz – given that you are completely tone-deaf to satire… I’ll just let that blow by.
      Also, I’d like to formally invite you to read someone else’s columns… the ones you “get.” (Read: not mine.)

      • Lilly Lidine

      • January 3, 2017 at 10:08 am
      • Reply

      There you go again acting like a “real professional” writer getting in another couple of jabs.
      Like I said before, you are not the person I thought you were.

      • Lilly/Liz – I AM a real professional writer. A PAID writer, editor and columnist for going on 25 years, with multiple state and national awards. I’m also a judge for the California Newspaper Publishers Association for – you guessed it – writing, for 20 years. I’m additionally the co-founder of this website, CEO and managing editor.
        So, if you don’t consider 25 years of paid experience as “real professional” – I don’t really know what to tell you. I guess you’re just dense?

    • Liz, you are deliberately trolling this writer, and this bizarre behavior is wearing me slick. It is like reading all the terriible remarks from trolls about Dylan all over again. In fact, since the election, I have noticed this tactic getting worse and worse on Facebook. I have been trolled on my personal facebook page and even once at Suicide Baiting Prevention by people who feel emboldened to ATTACK. I do not think any of this is just a coincidence either. It is in-your-face agression from those who do not share a particular viewpoint. If you don’t want to read a particular author’s work or ANY work from iPinion writers, for that matter — then please don’t! There is no need to keep provoking a fight.

      • Thank you, Kathie.
        Your friend is really getting to be a drag. Surely on ALL the internet… there’s somewhere else for her to hang out?

    • Yes, I agree, Debra. So sorry she trolled you.

      • No need to apologize. It wasn’t your fault. After 25 years in this business, trolls are just part of the landscape.
        And… Lilly/Liz is probably a really miserable person. You and I can just move on… Lilly/Liz is forever stuck being herself.

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