• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • March 26, 2014 in Columnists

    Still got my weiner

    I’ve been thinking. Yep, I’ve been thinking about how my luck has changed through the years. My luck is pretty good right now. I get to write stupid stories for the Winters Express and iPinion Syndicate, and sometimes people will actually read them. How dumb is that?

    I thought about the earliest year I can remember, 1955, and I found it was the most unlucky year, ever. There was a lot of crap happening in 1955; all of it was unlucky, too. I’m happy to say that I’m not the only one it was unlucky for. It was a year that was unlucky for everybody. I just happened to be there and couldn’t get away, so I got some of the crap too, but I’ll get back to that later.

    In 1955, James Dean and some dude named Rolf crashed in a Porsche 550 Spider while going like a thousand miles an hour. They burnt up until they were crispy critters. That dude Joe DiMaggio got dumped by Marilyn Monroe. Imagine that! That dude must have been crying for days! A kid named William Henry “Bill” Gates III was born. Now I can’t get off of this damn computer.

    That same year a lady named Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat on a bus,so now all the white people have to ride on BART. Albert Einstein fell over dead, so now no one will ever know what the hell he was talking about. The Cuban government let Fidel Castro out of jail because they thought he was in for putting explosives in the big cigars. The truth of the matter is that he was putting cigars against the big explosives. Funny how a typo will change history, huh?

    In that same year, an all-white jury acquitted Milam and Roy Bryant for the murder of a kid named Emmett Till, whom they dragged from his bed in the middle of the night, brutally murdered him and dumped him in the river. Well, except for their niece Anita, all them Bryants are in hell right now.

    A whole bunch of terrible airplane crashes happened that year, including Air India’s’ Kashmir Princess, El Al Flight 402, which was shot down by Bulgarian fighter pilots, United Airlines Flight 409, and United Airlines Flight 629. I’m glad I didn’t go anywhere that year, but I was having a bad year too.

    In 1955, my brother Michael was kidnapped and the guy that took him socked me in the jaw. Now my jaw clicks when I chew stuff. That damn clicking got me a divorce one time. Even worse than that, it was the year they started broadcasting “The Lord of the Rings” on the radio. My mom took us to a pear farm one night and we heard the first episode. The very next day, she dumped me in an orphanage, so I never heard the rest.

    Just before Christmas that year, I ran away because Sister Conchadda told me she was going to cut off my weiner. I had the hardest time climbing over the damn eight foot fence. I got to the top of the fence and jumped off just as the gate swung open. I hate it when that happens. Later that night the cops caught me eating doughnuts out of a garbage can behind a bakery. They took me back to the orphanage despite my begging them not to. I still have my weiner though.

    Sometimes when I tell that story, people want to see it, but I’m too shy. I’ve been with my wife for about 30 years now and she ain’t ever seen it. I don’t think I’ll ever show it to anyone, so I guess you will have to take my word for it. She calls it “Big Mo” but I call it the “Python.”

    • I love your random thoughts.

      • Maya North

      • March 26, 2014 at 4:01 pm
      • Reply

      I was born in 1955 and I’m a good thing — does that help? But your brother was kidnapped? You were in an orphanage??? I believe you need hugs! Here are more hugs! (I’m fine with never seeing the weiner, though…)

      • I wrote a reply to this and it must have gotten lost. I’ll write it again.- – -My brother was released a couple of days later in downtown Detroit. a few days later he climbed on top of our building (3 stories) and was going to jump but a fireman grabbed him from behind. We never talked about what happened to him. Besides the clicking, I had trouble hearing out of my left ear for some time. Thanks for the hugs and your comments.

    • The last paragraph was a little too much information.
      The rest of your article was interesting. I’d like to ask if your brother was rescued? Sorry your Mom had a hard time & you ended up in an orphanage. Good thing you can look up on the internet to find out what happened on Lord of the Rings.
      It’s amazing the threats some of the nuns could get away with using back then. You never did say what she has against your weiner……. wait,maybe I don’t want to know. haha.

      • Ya, my wife hasn’t read this col yet and her humor is a little different from mine. Not sure how she will take it because she has seen it at least once. Ha. I have seen all of the Lord of the Ring movies. Sister Conchadda abused me for years and this anger was brought on when I got a rash and scratched a lot. I think she thought I was enjoying it. I don’t think iPinion will let me say what she was doing to me but I wrote a book about 10 years ago and it still sits on my shelf-unedited and not published. Many people have read it and they say it is easy to read and interesting. It started as notes of my therapy at the VA and just grew and grew into a book. Thanks for your comments-I enjoy knowing what others think of what I write. I’m sorry it was a little too much info but you are really lucky I didn’t have pictures.

    • You should look into publishing that book. I’m not a writer but I do comment when I can add wisecrack or support. The ‘too much info’ was not serious.It was a poke at fun with you. I guess I should have added a LOL but sometimes I read where people do that far too much.

      I read !opinion! for Maya North & Debra De Angelo and Kathie Yount’s articles. I was first drawn to !opinion! to read Kathie Yount’s burning articles about her son Dylan’s suicide baiting & her fight for justice with the SFPD.

      Hugs to you & your brother. I want to add you to my ‘people on !opinion! to read’ list.

    • PS- No, No pictures please! LOL

      • Nancy Simms-Burton

      • March 27, 2014 at 4:44 pm
      • Reply

      I find many of the events in your earlier life to be unbelievable… not that I don’t believe they happened but unbelievable that a person could go through so much, yet come out of it, not full of hate or bitterness. I don’t know how it is that you can share some of your experiences in life in such a way that I find myself thinking “if this guy can go through all he’s been through and still have a sense of humor and a smile…. then what the hell is wrong the rest of us?” I miss and love you…. and I’m glad you didn’t lose “Big Mo” or we wouldn’t have Joey!

      • You have to remember they didn’t come all at once. they came one day at a time and when they happened it was quick and then it was over. That’s the way it will be the day I die. I’ll be thinking, “Wow, that was a surprise!”

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