Stupid drunken monkeys
I think my wife is going crazy. Have you ever seen a chicken with its head cut off, I mean clear off? Well that’s exactly how she is acting! She’s running here and there and then back again, mumbling as she goes. I suppose all the excitement is related to the upcoming wedding of one of our offspring. I’ve never seen her like this so I can only assume this is so.
Yesterday she was running around the house with a pen and a piece of paper making a list of what she should pick up when she goes to the store. She asked me three times what, if anything, I would like to add to her shopping list and three times I told her ice cream, Pepsi, frozen fish sticks, frozen French fries, and (oh ya) some ketchup. She writes it down and off she goes out the door. She is gone 40 minutes. All of a sudden the door pops open and she says, “I forgot my keys!”
I don’t know for sure, but I think her sisters may have been infected with this craziness as well. My wife wants to buy a new dress for the wedding because she is like the hostess with the mostest. When I heard this, it was like the first clue she was going crazy on me. New dress huh? Then it dawned on me that she hasn’t bought a new dress since like 1947.
What is happening!?
So off she goes with her sisters to buy a new dress. She is gone for like, two days. Every once in a while I get a text message (with a picture of her in different dresses) asking if I like this one or that one. Now I’m no dummy! I’ve been married to her for like 100, so I know better than to criticize how she looks in a dress, or anything for that matter. So, it’s, “Oh I like that one!” or “Wow, that’s nice one too!”
Yeah! I like them all!
When she gets like this, when she has that look in her eye like she’s getting an idea, I try to stay out of it by staying out of her way. The other day just out of the blue she wakes me up a 4:30 a.m. I opened my eyes and there she stood above me like a vampire getting ready to suck my blood! I’m looking up at her and she is looking down at me when out of her mouth comes the words, “I need you to try on your suits to see if they still fit.”
Now, I have two suits. One, my mother bought me when I was about 13 years old on the day she picked me up from the orphanage and the other I bought so I would look good at my dad’s funeral, just after World War II if I remember correctly. OK, one of the coats seemed to fit and one pair of pants fit pretty well too. The only problem was that the coat was plaid and the pants were striped. It made me look like Bob Barker on “To Tell the Truth.” You know, I thought, “I don’t give a shit, I’m gonna wear it anyway.” How long can a wedding last anyway? It’s not like someone is going to take my picture anyway, right?
While all this is going on, she gives me little chores designed to get the house in order because some of the wedding guest will be coming to our house. Chores like getting little spots of glue off the base of the toilet and the floor of the shower. Now, our toilet and shower floor are always so clean you could eat off of them, so I looked and looked and I never found a single spot of glue anywhere near the toilet and shower floor. When she asked if I got the spots off I told her “Yeah, I got them.” And that was the end of it.
Thennnn, she wanted me to fix the kitchen faucet. She wanted me to switch the cold water over to where the hot water is and the hot water over to where the cold water is. I tried to tell her that all this would do is move the hot water over to where the cold water is and vice versa, so what difference did it make where it was hot and where it was cold? A tear came to her eye and she said, “It makes a difference to me!” Well, that was all it took to melt me like butter and I set to work on the sink.
You know how when you work on the plumbing on an older house you fix one thing and 10 other things break and leak? Well that’s the can of worms I was forced to open. One connection dripped and everything I did to fix it made it worse. I tightened that damn thing until the pipe looks like a big drill bit spiraling from top to bottom. It got so bad that I had to secretly hire a crew of plumbers at $44 dollars an hour to fix it and I still don’t know why they had to dig a big hole in the back yard. There is not one single piece of plumbing anywhere in my back yard. WTH! It never ends, does it?
There was a list of chores — all rush jobs — to be done. I was feeling overwhelmed and I tried to tell her so. She says, “Just do one little chore a day! Just one!” That said, I did two of the chores on the first day and tried to take a day off. Naturally, she caught me!
“What chore did you do today?” she says.
“Well, I did two chores yesterday so I thought I would relax a little bit today.”
“Oh, no, no, no!” she says. “You’d better get your act together because if I can’t relax, you’re not going to relax either!” says she.
Soooo, that’s where I am right now! It doesn’t matter that just over a year ago I had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass and I could die at any moment! I asked her, “What if I die? Who would do the stinking chores then?” Then she said it, and I knew it was true! She says, “I could go buy a drunken monkey to finish the chores you started and never finished!” She had her hands on her hips so I knew she was ready to go all the way with this one.
Well, there it is! Now I’m on my knees on the back porch looking for spots of glue on the day I was going to relax. I will never do two chores on the same day again, even if they are imaginary and I just said I did them.
I hate those damn monkeys!