Stupid is as stupid does
by Gary Huerta
I usually don’t make time to comment on examples of stupidity. Mostly because I hate lamenting on the low points of human existence. But every so often, there does seem to be a run on stupidity. So it was this week that I found myself unable to ignore three outstanding acts of dimwittedness. Here they are, for your enjoyment, in reverse chronologic order.
Today I watched a high-speed pursuit on TV with equal amounts of contempt and fascination. Since I’m rarely home during the day, I’m not usually lucky enough to see this modern mid-day sport of morons. I only hear about pursuits that wind through various counties and neighborhoods when I get home. Not this time.
This chase was unique for a coupe of reasons. First, the knuckleheads in the car being pursued decided to employ a completely original tactic of tossing money, which they’d just stolen from a bank, out the window. Every 50 yards or so, a cloud of money would rain out into the streets for onlookers to feast upon.
Incredible as it sounds, this was not the stupid part. Frankly, I thought the tactic was rather brilliant – in a Rain Man sort of way. The newscasters began to hypothesize that the armed bank robbers were trying to create a distraction. You think?
It worked. With people watching on TV, it wasn’t long before the streets began to fill up with people eager for the opportunity to jump in front of the caravan of police cars in an attempt to get themselves a few dollars compliments of a couple of heavily armed, desperate individuals fleeing the law. But that’s still not the stupid part. This is:
As expected, the robbers found themselves stuck in traffic and the police just as expectedly jumped out of their cars with guns drawn. In a matter of seconds there were approximately 20 stressed out law enforcement officers waving guns at a car full of criminals who likewise had guns. So what do you think the people on the street did? They invaded the area like a swarm of retarded locusts.
Seriously! What kind of person thinks it’s smart to get in the direct line of fire between a bunch of gun-wielding police and a few desperate and armed bank robbers? In my opinion, only the dumbest of the dumb would even consider such a thing. I see someone with a gun and I’m moving swiftly in the other direction. More than 10? I’m running like Forest Gump.
I saw the second entry in this week’s Idiots Hall of Fame a couple of days ago during a 5 Hour Energy Drink commercial. The company behind this product has decided to run a TV ad touting the results of a clinical study that shows 73% of the medical professionals surveyed would recommend 5 Hour Energy Drink to their patients. In the spot, the spokeswoman takes great pain to convincingly hammer home the results of this study as if it’s something to be truly proud of!
Congratulations 5 Hour Energy Drink on that middle-of-the-road 73%! Huzzah! You have clinical research that proves if your product were in school, it would receive a solid grade of C! By all means, celebrate your average status. After all, you conducted research!
As a marketing person for over 22 years, I can tell you with great certainty I’ve never seen a company so proud of mediocrity. It’s as if they want you to know that their survey is a whopping four percentage points above a D.
What the hell?
Either the makers of 5 Hour Energy Drink are completely stupid or they think their audience is dumb enough to believe that if they wax poetic about a 73% approval rating, people will actually believe the hype and eagerly shove it down their throats!
And finally, the third and dumbest moment of the week goes to… Mitt Romney, for his impressively stupid statement on Meet The Press last Sunday. On national television Mr. Romney calmly stated, “I’m not here to slow the rise of the oceans or heal the planet, I’m in this race to help the American people.”
As an American person, let me respond with one word: “Duh.”
Hey Mitt, I hate to go all logical on you, but being president means you have to deal with protecting the environment. That’s one of the ways the president actually helps the American people. We need our leaders to step in and stop big companies from destroying the Earth. You don’t get to endorse clean coal and turn your head as corporations strip off the top of mountains and ruin entire ecosystems just to turn a profit. Because guess what? Shit like that hurts the American people.
Ironically, you implied that you know the oceans are rising and the planet needs healing. But that’s not why you’re in this race. Are you kidding me? Why, then are you really in this race?
Listen buddy, categorically telling the American people why you are not running is more than just stupid. It shows you truly lack the common sense to hold such a powerful office.
If you are going to come right out and say the environment is not a priority to you, please stop telling us how you want to leave the world a better place for our children. Because what just came out of your mouth completely contradicted that platform.
Of course Mitt, even though you’re not my cup of tea, I’m sure there are other people who would be willing to vote for you. I do believe those folks who are happy to stand in the middle of a potential gunfight between heavily armed cops and robbers will find your brand of thinking to be quite appealing.