• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

    • March 5, 2013 in Columnists

    Cheese, cats and Astroglide — just living the lie

    We live in a world that constantly wants to bullshit us.  It’s pretty funny, actually.

    For example, tonight I am making tacos for dinner.  We like to have some shredded cheese with the tacos and we happen to have some in the freezer.  I took it out to defrost and I started to read the back of it.

    Wisconsin, NewYork and Ohio.  Three states where many years ago, immigrant cheesemakers from all across Europe settled to start over in a new land.  After many years of success, today these original founder’s handiwork still shines through in the package before you.  For over 40 years, only the nation’s finest cheese has gone under the Great Lakes name. 

    Reading that, you would imagine men and women crowded into a boat trying to get into America so they can make the finest Mexican Blend cheese possible.  After all, they are Europeans.  They were the innovators of queso blanco and asadero cheese blends.  They apparently brought something called natamycin (a natural mold inhibitor) from Old Europe, essential in any Mexican cuisine.  We gotta stop that mold folks: activate the mold inhibitor!  Is this a bag of plutonium or cheese? 

    I feel a nuclear winter coming on.

    When I went into the basement to clean out the cat litter boxes, I stopped and stared at boxes of Arm and Hammer cat litter we have.  Those cats look way too happy to have just taken a dump, pee, or both. 

    Maybe I am being too cynical here?  After all, I know how relieved I feel after doing a number 1 or 2.  Sometimes I do a double.  Every single time I had done it, I have never walked away dissatisfied.  Hell, one time I got drunk and peed right into a litter box.  It’s a long story.  Fact remains that if I was happy after I peed, maybe those cretins on the cat litter box also feel the same relief and joy as I do when I finish my business.   

    We can all agree that cats are lower life forms that basically annoy us, however, I think perhaps we can agree that maybe, just maybe, cats are actually relieved after they doody and appreciate that the box is clean.  Then again, we can only speculate until one of them actually gives us a conversation.  I know ladies, put your hands down.  I know you all think you are cat whisperers and can communicate with cats.  Just because you have whiskers doesn’t make you a cat.

    My favorite nonsense is my arm deodorant.  My favorite thing is on the label is a green stripe that says the word fresh.  Let’s contemplate that for a minute.  Fresh. 

    Let me ask you a question.  Would you ever characterize anything going into your armpit or your actual armpit as fresh?   Hair and sweat, mmm.  I am thinking of it being as fresh as a morning on Narragansett Beach in Rhode Island.  I am thinking of the salty air, the seagulls, and the mighty Atlantic crashing into the beach sands.  Oh, it’s so fresh!  My armpit is so fresh, the next woman I date, I’d like to just run her face right into it.  It’s a fresh pit madam, my deodorant says so.

    Lastly, this bottle of Astroglide — I can feel the pleasure already.  You know how I know that?  It says so on the bottle.  Real pleasure.  Lasts longer.  Ask any of my exes and they would not describe me in either or both fashions.  Real pleasure, lasts longer?  Um, seriously would you want pleasure to really last that long?  An hour, four hours, a day, a week — when is enough actually enough?  Can I tell you the true pleasure of Astroglide?  Never listening to Astroglide tell you about its day.  Astroglide doesn’t tell you about something it’s 9th grade classmate said that Astroglide can’t get over.  Astroglide never tells you what it’s thinking nor does Astroglide care about what you are thinking when are lying there.  Astroglide never brings up the fact your mother hates you to try to get back at you during an argument. 

    Maybe I just need to make dinner and live the lie?

    • So wicked and witty! Loved it!

    • Funny stuff.

    • Hilarious. Yeah, make dinner. It’s a cure all.

    • Matt you are a funny guy. There must be little crazy leprechauns running around inside you head. Maybe you should think about what that cat is doing to you in your sleep. I like this because it makes me look at things the way you do. I can hardly wait until you come up with another crazy story.

    • Hmmm… they say that cleaning cat litter boxes can give you parasites that cause insanity… hmmmm (Note: I have been cleaning litter boxes for nearly 20 years…. that explains a lot.)

      • Maya North

      • March 6, 2013 at 11:26 pm
      • Reply

      Tacos…sounds good, truthful or not 😉 <3 🙂

    • Jesus…I didn’t even see the comments on this. Thank you everyone…I am encouraged to write more funny and lighthearted nonsense.

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