• author
    • Terri Connett

    • September 26, 2013 in Columnists

    Tea Party 12 Step Program

    1. Admit you are powerless over any gun control.  The Second Amendment and God give you the right to purchase any gun, any time to shoot anybody who is threatening any ground where you’d like to stand.  Pretty sure it’s in the Bible.
    2. Admit a power greater than you (Fox News) can help you.  It’s the only source you need to tell you how to think, feel and act.  Remember, Rush doesn’t have the hot blondes.
    3. Commit to turn your life over to Ted “Talk Till You Drop” Cruz.  This Ivy League, Hispanic messiah is the bull who is going to shake up the china shop we call Congress.  Canada is not Kenya, by the way.
    4. Make no admission of wrongdoing.  Ever.  Be extremely confident in what Fox News tells you.  Glaciers may disappear, oceans may warm and storms may be stronger.  But you see it as the natural order of things.  This one’s in the Bible for sure.
    5. Admit you are ready to let Rand Paul help you.  You need to get past that lamb’s wool doily on the top of his melon. Get inside the man’s head to understand, in black and white, why the Woolworth’s owner had every right to serve whomever he wanted at his lunch counter.
    6. Let God try and find your defects.  If you are a true Tea Partier, you have none.
    7. Humbly ask God to remove any doubt in your mind that you might not be right.
    8. Make a list of people you hurt and then tell those takers “you’re welcome.” No more food stamps for poor, obese children means fewer Cheetos and better health.  Just take Michelle Obama’s advice and fill up on water.
    9. Make direct amends to those you hurt by convincing them voting against their own interests is somehow tied to their American dream.  Remember these takers are distracted.  They’re tired, hungry, preoccupied with making ends meet and often working two jobs.  It’ll be an easy sell.
    10. Take personal inventory and then make up shit to prove you are right.  Like telling America that voter fraud exists – when in actuality you just want to keep minorities from voting.  And like when Representative Marsha Blackburn repeated over and over on “Meet the Press” in September that it was Barack Obama who wanted to shut down the government and not the Republicans, who actually tied defunding health care to the federal spending bills. In fact, even though The Affordable Care Act passed both houses of Congress, was upheld by the Supreme Court and was on Barack Obama’s 2012 winning platform; don’t call it law. Act as though it’s still up for debate.
    11. Seek prayer from Jesus.  In order to be in the Tea Party, you must be a Christian.  Not a Merriam-Webster Christian; but a savior-accepting, rapture-believing, creationism-embracing, Bible verse-justifying Christian.  No pope lovers.  No Buddhists or Jews or Hindus. And for Chrissake, no Muslims.
    12. Practice what you preach.  This is the easiest step of all because, as a Tea Partier, you are not exposed to books, newspapers, network or cable news (that is not fair and balanced), science, history or any facts that might make you question what you are told you believe. If you find yourself backsliding, simply close your eyes, click your heels and repeat three times, “Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi.”

    • “Not a Merriam-Webster Christian” was my favorite. This was awesome.

        • Terri Connett

        • September 26, 2013 at 10:27 am
        • Reply

        Thank you, Kathie! That was one of my favorites too. Nice to hear reinforcements.

    • Brilliant.

        • Terri Connett

        • September 26, 2013 at 10:27 am
        • Reply

        Aw … thanks!!

      • Maya North

      • September 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm
      • Reply

      I grew up in Missouri. Oh, yeah… <3

      • Quinton Santini

      • October 16, 2013 at 1:05 pm
      • Reply

      I know a moderate bible thumper if that helps?

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