• Telepathy, clairivoyance, and other random thoughts #3

    Knock knock.  Who’s there?  Matt.  Matt who?  Your buddy Matt, who will never judge you, you can always depend on him, he will always love you, make you feel special, make you feel like the only one, and always make you feel good!  Awwww.  By the way, I just lied.  That’s what men do: lie.

    According to TMZ, Billy Ray Cyrus is divorcing his wife.  Please dry away your tears.  It can’t be bad for Billy — if he plays his cards right he can start dating Miley Cyrus.  She is a lap-dance machine and dumb as a rock.  Perfect!  

    Speaking of Miley Cyrus, her Wikipedia page has WAY TOO MUCH information on it about a broad that is barely 20 years old.  Um, what has she done asides annoy me with her crapola music?  Lap dances.  Four sections her of her profile is dedicated to her lap dance ability.  Apparently her lap dances are so good it stopped the civil war in Syria for a week.  President Assad was President A-Happy.

    There isn’t one boogeyman in your closet — there are 10 of them and they all look like Trayvon Martin.  You shouldn’t be laughing at this. It wasn’t a joke.

    I have a question for everyone.  If someone bought you a promise ring and all that person does is lie, then what happens to the ring?  Buy the one you love onion rings instead. They’re more honest.

    I truly don’t understand male homophobia.  Sausages, hot dogs, kielbasa, kishka, linguica, chorizo, popsicles, and other phallic-shaped foods you all shove into your mouths, and two guys kissing is way too much for your delicate sensibilities?  Go watch your professional wrestling.  Don’t pretend you don’t want Stone Cold Steve Austin to give you a figure-four leg lock with a loving nipple tweak.

    If I were homophobic, then why do I keep dropping the soap in my shower?  Someone please love me.

    What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican?  Haven’t found one yet.

    The other day I walked into my room with a piece of pizza that was wrapped in plastic-wrap and threw it on my bed.  The garlic infused oil got onto my linens, and I must say it is the most heavenly smell ever.  Why haven’t chemical companies like Glade synthesized this scent?  Stop with berries, pine trees and cotton.   Men like odors like beer bottles the day after the party, hot wieners, and a 50 year old female hooker named Lefty. 

    Serena Williams is arguably the greatest tennis player ever.  I am also utterly convinced that she could kick my ass.  Despite my martial arts training (when I was a teenager — four years), if I accidently groped her or touched her butt, I’m certain that she would pound me into a pulp.  The idea that she could actually cause me physical harm actually makes her hotter.  I don’t know why physical violence towards me is so hot, but it is.

    What is a man’s number one sexual fantasy?  Another woman.  Men can be disgusting with their sexual fantasies, so please stop asking us what we are thinking.  Trust me, the fantasy in question is not about you.  I’m thinking about Betty White and taking her from a golden girl to a golden woman. 

    Just to inform all of you, I’m writing all of this laying on my garlic-stained bed.  Are you turned on?  I am pretty turned on thinking about myself.

    Dear random 24 year old girls on Facebook: Thank you for informing cyberspace about the perfect boyfriend you just met.  I am sure he is dreamy and perfect with rock hard abs and perfectly white teeth.  Best part about your new boyfriend: he knows the shortest route to take you to Planned Parenthood.  You will be there in 10 minutes.

    He is your perfect boyfriend or husband now, and in six months he’s the asshole that you won’t stop bitching to me about.

    Someone brought up a good point about Pagans in general.  Not only to you have to be some sort of weird sex freak in an open-relationship to be accepted by the community, you also have to like typically nerdy TV shows like True Blood, Game of Thrones, Dr Who, Lost Girl, or whatever horse-crap they are currently into.  Keep adding layers of geek element to your life, and you will be into bestiality in no-time.  After all, your cat has a magical connection with you right?  You think your cat loves you?  Is your cat admiring your frame?  Wanna get drunk with your cat and see if your cat will loosen up a bit?

    I’m just saying beware of Pagans who love their cats too much and know every line to Farscape and Battle Star Galactica.

    Not only do I want to make my dear reader laugh while reading this, I also hope the NSA surveillance nerd who’s reading it is laughing hysterically.  Go America!

    I am so glad that the NHL finals are being played as we speak.  Also, I am so glad that the only way anyone can watch it is on a super cable package or with a bunch of drunk assholes at a bar.  I had a slight interest in hockey, and now it’s being destroyed.  No jokes in this one, just ANNOYED.

    Finally, I think I’m actually becoming a better writer.  Why?  I finally received a comment that I was annoying.  I do not hate that person, nor am I trying to troll him/her.  My point being is that a writer needs to make a strong enough point where some people will love that writer and some people will loathe that writer.  I think I’m starting to realize my talent and ability.  See, all it takes is a negative comment for me to gain even more confidence.  I can’t wait until someone calls me a talentless hack! 

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