• Telepathy, clairvoyance, and other random thoughts #2

    I am not on team Coke or team Pepsi. I am on team obesity.

    Here’s the thing about Kevin Smith you need to realize: He’s lazy.  He admits this on every single interview he does.  He’s a fantastic writer and, as he admits, not a great director.  I don’t say this to take cheap shots at him. I still worship at the comedy altar of Kevin Smith.  I am a little astonished that “Zack and Mirri Make a Porno” didn’t do that great.  That is an underappreciated film.   Anyways, Kevin Smith…

    I just want the Spurs to beat the Miami Heat.  I don’t hate Lebron James, I just love underdogs. 

    Speaking of sports, the MLB is going to suspend 20 players for violating their policy on Performance Enhancing Drugs (PEDs).  Yeah, baseball is about as clean as a fat man’s underpants after taco and tequila night. 

    President Barack Obama: Get over him.  Look, a president is a president is a president.  Since Jimmy Carter, we more or less get the same guy.  Your unions are dissolved, wars last forever, financial institutions get bigger, the middle class is absolutely dissolved; I could go on and on.  Solution: Gotta go more Left.  Not just the Marxists, Socialist and Communists, but the Anarchists need to be taken more seriously.  

    The Right Wing is so far right that Tea Party members and Libertarians would call Reagan a pussy.  Meanwhile, everyone has amnesia about how brutal Reagan’s foreign policy was. 

    THE TEA PARTY ISN’T A SOCIAL WELFARE GROUP.  OF COURSE THEY SHOULD BE AUDITED!

    What the hell’s up with TLC?  Remember when you used to learn about things on The Learning Channel?   Now the channel is full of midgets that make chocolate, gay guys who help fat chicks find wedding dresses and cry on command, Amish people go off the reservation and do cocaine, women exploiting their daughters in beauty pageants, and constant show after show about fat gypsy weddings.  I’m learning that America is full of douchebags that consider this entertainment.

    Hey MSNBC, will you stop masturbating over Representative Michelle Bachman leaving Congress? 

    Do I have a type pertaining to women?  Yes.  My type of woman is the woman that is unavailable to date.  Why is that so hot?

    I am a little immature, but my immaturity could buy me a sweet loft in Los Angeles one day.

    We have had an absolute bombardment of superhero movies.  I’m trying not to be too negative about this since I am a fan of comic books.  However, ask yourself a question.  When was the last time you watched any of your Spider Man movies with Seabiscuit Toby McGuire and Kirsten Dunst (thanks for the nipples), who has the emotional range of a vegetable.  I’m not asking for Hamlet. I’m just tired of subpar movies that oversaturate the Silver Screen. 

    What is my favorite body part on a woman?  Is it ass, boobs, legs, arms, the dimples on top of her ass? What is it?  I don’t really have a favorite part per se, but I’m just glad when I find out they actually have a vagina.

    I was listening to Munford and Sons the other day and I realized if I keep this music on, this guy’s going to keep giving me a hickey where the sun don’t shine.

    Trayvon Martin smoked pot!  OMG!  I forgot that makes every single person into a crazed lunatic.  He’s never going to get justice.

    Speaking of guns, that lunatic that was killing people in Santa Monica, California had 1,300 rounds of ammunition in his possession when police killed him.  From now on don’t call it ammunition, call a bullet a Trayvon Martin.  1,300 Trayvon Martins…

    I don’t edit the free association columns.  If there was a mistake, have a drink on me!  Just throw your drink at me.  Do your best Roger Clemmens impression and chuck your shitty beer bottle at my face at 40 mph.  You might not like my writing, but your wife or girlfriend fucking LOVE IT!

    Prediction: Peyton Manning will still be losing to New England in the playoffs.  The Patriots just have that man’s number.

    Prediction: The Federal Reserve is still doing its quantitative easing (dumping cheap currency onto the market).  So watch the Dow index soar like an eagle!   I am proud of ‘Murica!

    I don’t hate FOX News, not really.  I mean, I’m a Left Wing guy, so I find most of their brand of bullshit hard to swallow.  However: Bill O’Reilly is great.  I will always defend him.  He’s great on The Daily Show with, as he calls him, Stewart.  His show is basically for old-timers who are tired of watching CBS and their blood sugar count. 

    I just made fun of senior citizens and CBS. I feel so much better about me.

    Want to know the book I’m reading right now?  Plato’s The Republic.  I don’t say this to sound elite. I’m the guy that didn’t finish community college.  I read The Republic because it really displays what it’s like to be a citizen.  Socrates runs around asking questions and makes people think about their positions on a multitude of subjects like war, love, justice, debt, government, education, music and other topics.  He is like Anderson Cooper — just running around the Piraeus asking the people how they felt and their opinions on subject.  The only exception: Socrates didn’t vacation on Fire Island.

    By my count, I have three gay jokes in the column.  One more joke: four guys walk into a bar.  They all have sex.



    • Holy crap! You are the Next George Carlin!!!!! This was the best stand-up comedy writing EVER! 😀


      • Georgia

      • June 10, 2013 at 7:48 am
      • Reply

      Enjoyed!


      • Alex

      • June 10, 2013 at 11:19 am
      • Reply

      Bahahaha! This is exactly what I needed. And true, all of it. Lol. I hate TLC I used to watch it. Now it is still TLC… Tits, Lard and Children. 🙂 The mind is a beautiful thing, continue to use and share yours sir!!



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