• Ten People Who Were Dumber Than Me

    by Donald K. Sanders

    It has been mentioned to me that some of the people of the City of Winters and at iPinion.us cannot believe how really, really smart I am. Some people think that I act smart but that I, in fact, am really, really dumb.

    Once more, I am forced to demonstrate my smartness for everyone to witness. I will do this by naming 10 people from history that I’m sure were dumber than I am.

    One. Adam, the first man, date unknown. The first man to think that men are smarter than women.

    Two. Homa Sapiens of Eastern Africa, sometime around 1.7 million years ago, discovered fire. It is said that his friend from Western Africa, Homo Ergaster stepped into some magma and caught fire. Homa used the resulting fire for cooking fibrous plants and for warmth and protection for the next few nights.

    Three. Basal Aurignacian, inventor of the first porn. He carved a female figurine from ivory and when someone entered he hid the naked figure in his cave that he thought was in Africa. The naked lady statue was found 35,000 years later in the cave of Hohle Fels in Southwestern Germany.

    Four. King John of England. In 1252, he signed what he thought was a paycheck for his army. The document was, in fact the Magna Carta, which laid out not only the obligations of the nobility, but also the rights of the common people.

    Five. Wilhelm Schickard, in 1624 invented a machine that could add. Now he claims that this machine was in fact the first computer.

    Six. Anus Imperforate, founded the Proctology Board of Colon and Rectal Surgery one day and killed himself the next when he found out that proctology is the study of butts.

    Seven. John Hansen in 1783 claimed to be the first United States president. Google him, he just might have been.

    Eight. Prescott Sheldon Bush, grandfather of George Bush, claimed to be a hero during the WWI and wrote letters home to that effect. A Columbus newspaper published the information but it was later retracted when it was revealed that he had not received said medals. Grandpa stated that he had written the letters, “in the spirit of fun.” You should really Google this guy because he did some really dumb stuff.

    Nine. Adulla Jamama, discovered AIDS after having sex with a monkey in 1981.

    Ten. The dumbest guy I could find was a guy named Claudius Ptolemy, AD 100-178. This guy wrote 13 books full of mathematical equations proving that the rest of the universe rotated around the Earth.

    There you have it. All of these guys were dumber than I am. Every one of them. If you need more proof, I can name another thousand people that are dumber than I am. Any more than that would be pushing it.

    I would like to apologize to Margaret Burns for the mistakes I made in one of my prior columns. She mailed a letter to the editor of the Winters Express which, in short, read me my rights. How was I supposed to know that there are two MBs (Margaret Burnses)? How am I supposed to know which hits out of 20, 243,641 Google hits were hers?

    I did notice one important thing about her letter to the Editor. MB did not deny the CIA and FBI thingy. Scary huh?

    • Donald, you are smart enough to find this shit on the internet and that is smart enough for me. Actually going to look up some of these losers.

    • Looked up some of these people. Hansen was definitely the president just not legally because of the constitution being written after is term.

      • Jody Pody

      • July 20, 2011 at 5:40 pm
      • Reply

      Don, you were smart enough to marry into the Freaky Family and we all think you are pretty darned smart! Blessings…

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