• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • December 23, 2012 in Columnists

    Thanks a hell of a lot!

    by Donald K. Sanders

    Thanks, a hell of a lot! The end of the world is not going to happen today. I don’t know what the heck I’m going to do now. For like, months now everyone and everything has been telling me the world was supposed to end on December 21, 2012. It was even on the internet thingy. How can that not be true.

    For weeks now, I have been preparing for the end, the apocalypse. I have been studying and studying all about the seven signs that are supposed to happen before the big ending gets here. As a matter of fact I consider myself an expert scolatician when it comes to the events that were to precede the ending of everything. Yes, I’m a fricking genius!

    I mean, all the clues were there. The seven signs of the apocalypse went down exactly as planned, right by the book. I’m an expert in these matters so you can take my word for it. I had a perfect checklist and everything went pretty much like it was supposed to. The first sign went off like clockwork last Tuesday afternoon. I saw it on the internet thingy.

    Some Japanese guy filmed it. The ocean was dying and crashing over the land, mashing houses and forcing huge ships underneath bridges where they were smashed into little bitty, bitty pieces of wood. The next day I saw all the locusts that were supposed to eat all of the vegetables and stuff like that. Well, that’s when everything got too complicated for me to explain it all to you, the laymen. Things are simply too technical for you guys to understand. Take my word for it, the Earth was going down!

    That’s what I thought when I did all of those stupid things I shouldn’t have done. I went to the bank and cleaned out our account and spent the money at Home Depot. I’ve let the grass grow knee high. Every dish we own is dirty and in the sink. I yanked the stinking talking computer out of my wife’s car and threw it into the alley where it bounced over to the neighbor’s yard. I sold all of my stocks and bonds and bought some router bits with the money.

    Like I said, I’m a genius so I know I did everything right. I even went around saying goodbye to everyone I met. I told them I’d see them on the other side. Well, I guess the laymen didn’t do too much research, because most of them didn’t even know the world was going to end. Geeze!

    You know it’s true that your life flashes before you when you know you’re going to die, because I started thinking about it right then, at that moment. I thought about how my wife looked with the breeze blowing lightly through her hair. How the sun bounced off of her shinny nose making her look so beautiful. I thought about how she picked a peach off of our tree and how the light shined in her eyes as she turned to share the wonder of it with me.

    As you can tell I’m terribly in love with my wife, so I decided to spend my last hours with her. We watched TV. She on the little couch and me on the bigger couch eating chips and dip. French onion. What the hell, might as well eat all the ice cream too — it’s the end of the world anyway, right?

    That’s where I woke up this morning. I thought, “What the hell?” What happened to the end of the world? Did I miss it? What the heck am I going to tell her about spending all the money at Home Depot. Oh, what about when she sees I have taken her car apart. Oh Crap!

    The internet thingy is a liar! I’ll never believe another thing I see on there. Even the stuff I put on it myself. You just can’t depend on anything anymore. It’s almost as if it’s a new world of lies and deceit. Well, thanks a hell of a lot for nothing!

    • Oh nuts! I missed a never to come again opportunity to eat French onion dip!

      Hilarious, Donald!

    • I just love you Donald and you are really smart. Just got fooled on this one. Glad we are still here.

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