• The answer to school shooting massacres — Steven Seagal

    Sometimes I read the online news media outlets and I wonder if Alfred E. Newman is Editor in Chief, and then I’m self-reassured that I’m not dreaming and nor are my eyes deceiving me.

    Actor Steven Steven Seagal is going to train a “volunteer posse” in Arizona to be a first line defense against another Newton shooting massacre. This posse consists of 3,000 volunteers including celebrities Lou Ferrigno (TV’s “Incredible Hulk”) and Peter Lupus (TV’s “Mission Impossible”), and will be standing armed in front of any school in Maricopa County, Arizona. According to Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the posse will be trained by Seagal, a practitioner of Aikido for over 20 years, in hand to hand combat and gun fighting scenarios that could happen in a public school.

    The idea of the self-proclaimed “America’s toughest sheriff” has been met with harsh criticism by Arizona Democratic House Minority Leader Chad Campbell, who calls the idea “ludicrous.”

    I have a question for Minority Leader Campbell: Why so glum, chum?

    Arizona now has Casey Ryback (Seagal’s character in “Under Siege”) to teach everyone how to stop violence in schools. According to numerous reports, Seagal, along with 45 posse members and 23 children volunteered to train on how to thwart hostage scenarios and other tactical simulations. It’s my guess that they got all together and watch scenes from “Above the Law,” “Marked for Death,” and “Fire Down Below.”

    It’s absolutely tremendous how far we’ve come from the Newtown school massacre. I remember coming home from taking my mother shopping and putting my life on pause for two hours as we watched the horror of the slaying of children at Sandy Hook Elementary School. There was President Obama, shedding tears of pain only a father could shed, trying to bring clarity to the situation of the massacre. That moment of absolute shock and fear was somewhat reminiscent of what I had felt on 9-11.

    Shortly after that day of national mourning, we entered into online debates over the Second Amendment and the polarizing effects of politics continued to poison the conversation.

    Might I suggest that if we are to take Sheriff Arpaio seriously, then we as a society have truly swallowed the hemlock.

    Is this the answer to gun violence and our eroticized gun culture? Steven Seagal? That’s the best we can do? Why don’t we get Morgan Freeman to solve our public school crisis like he did in “Lean on Me”? Could we get Robocop to patrol our streets? He doesn’t need sleep. I have an even better idea. If an alien race ever tries to invade us then can we get Voltron to save us? I watched that cartoon every morning when I was a child and Voltron always saved us. I want Inspector Gadget as the head of the FBI. I would like McGuyver to solve our crumbling infrastructure problems — he can fix roads, levies and damns. Howard Stern can be the head of the FCC. Let him decide what is decent to put on TV and radio.

    Ladies and gentleman, I introduce you to Steven Seagal, Lawman. Let this be his finest role ever.

    We should also just build a Voltron.

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