The best answer of them all
by Donald K. Sanders
I’ve been trying to find ways to sharpen my wit. I figure that my incredible good looks and a mind that works like a well-oiled steel trap may not be enough to have a successful “advice” column. In last week’s column, I mentioned that I was considering changing the format of my column. I even discussed it with my wife, but she said I didn’t have a format to change. After considerable contemplation, at least an hour’s worth, I had to believe that she may be right.
Well, I don’t have to tell you what it’s like not to have a format. My wife says that all the other writers we know have formats, but I’ve never had even a single format, ever. I was going to say something really smart right then, but she started laughing. It wasn’t a giggle type laugh but a boisterous belly laugh. She was laughing so hard that she said, “I think I’m going to pee my pants!”
I couldn’t see anything that humorous so I asked her what the heck was so funny? She was all bent over and slobbering with tears in her eyes when she said, “The type of people that read your column don’t even know what a format is!” “Words of wisdom, yes, words of wisdom is my format!” I told her in so many words. She peed her pants.
Anyway, like I said, I’ve been looking to sharpen my wit somehow so I looked everywhere for days and days, but my wit didn’t change and I couldn’t understand why. Suddenly, like a miracle, I found just what I needed. I found Yahoo Answers. It’s a place on the internet where people send in questions that they need help answering. Well that’s 50 percent of it anyway. I think the other 50 percent is that you can send in an answer to these questions so it is in essence, an advice thingy.
OK, so I was reading along, reading along, until I found a question that I thought I could answer in an intelligent manner. The question was, “Do you think that aggressive behavior in adults is caused by the media?” I already knew the answer to this one. It was so simple. I replied, “No, by the time a person is old enough to understand the media, their aggressive nature has already formed.” This behavior is learned in the home at a very early age. Everybody knows that!
That was easy, so I looked for another question I could answer. So, I go through about a hundred questions until I found one. The title of the question was, “What’s wrong with me?” The lady said that she liked to have guys on the side that she didn’t want to have a commitment with. She liked to tease boys and let them go so far before stopping them. Blah, blah, blah, blah-blah. She then asked if everyone would think she was weird or something.
Here is what I answered: “You are a typical girl, for your behavior has been the same since the beginning of time for typical girls. However it is the girls that are not typical that are special and above average. If you act as if you want to be treated a certain way and you ask for nothing else, then all you will get are typical guys.” I thought it was an absolutely brilliant answer.
I forgot all about the questions and answers until I got an email from Yahoo Answers saying that my answers were voted as the best. Yes indeedee, the best! I printed out the answers and went looking for my wife, but she was snoozing on the couch so I let her have her nap. I would spring it on her later. I stood there tapping my foot on the coffee table until she finally woke up.
She was still groggy when I stuck it in front of her face.
“Look,” I said, “My answers were voted to be the best answers! I got 100 percent of all the votes for best answer,” I says.
She looked at them for a moment before she said, “Why, yes you did. You got 100 percent because there was only one vote for each question. You got 100 percent of one vote.”
Well what does it matter anyway? 100 percent is 100 percent, right?