The first 12 Mitts
by Gary Huerta
Like many of you, I have grown tired of the polls telling us the race for the White House is a dead heat. I’m an American. I survive on instant gratification. No way in Hell am I going to wait two weeks to find out who crosses the finish line first.
So I went to see Madame Souvlaki, the local fortuneteller in my hometown of Glendale, California, to see if she could satiate my desire to know whom the next president is going to be. What I got for my $15 was more than just the answer to my question. Souvlaki laid out every major move our next president will make in 2013.
First, it is my sad duty to inform you that the next president of the United States is going to be Mitt Romney. Despite my vociferous rants to the contrary, Mitt will pull off the impossible by duping enough Americans to win the race.
Strangely, it took nearly two hours to see into the future. According to Souvlaki, her crystal ball was hazy and confused because it appeared as though 12 different men had actually taken office. Evidently, the mystical powers that allow Souvlaki to determine what is to be, simply couldn’t grasp how one man could exhibit such contradictory behavior.
“It’s like he’s possessed with some strange group of beings from another planet which control his thoughts and actions with no rhyme or reason,” Souvlaki told me. “The future with this president will be like driving down a foggy highway, drunk, in the middle of the night, with the lights off!”
According to Souvlaki, this is a month-by-month break down of what President Mitt Romney is going to do.
January: President Romney repeals Obamacare on his first day in office. Ironically, during his inauguration, he trips down the steps of the Capitol Building, breaking his leg. He immediately puts a new health care system in place that looks exactly like Obamacare. Rush Limbaugh declares the president’s move to be visionary. It’s the first time Limbaugh has used a word with four syllables.
February: In a stunning move, President Romney insists that all members of the Supreme Court must wear magic underwear beneath their robes. Justice Antonin Scalia refuses, citing his right to continue to wear Victoria’s Secret thongs while sitting on the bench. Justice Clarence Thomas abstains from voting, even though there is nothing to decide.
March: President Romney closes the Guantanamo Bay detention camp. Two days later, he changes his mind and reopens the camp as Guantanamo Harbor. Rush Limbaugh declares the president’s move to be an extraordinary example of leadership. Ironically, Limbaugh has no idea what the word “extraordinary” means.
April: President Romney declares there is no such thing as global warming. As proof he cites recent weather reports, which show temperatures have remained stable for the last 6,000 years, or the actual age of Earth according to his Mormon faith.
May: President Romney finally reveals his budget plan. It includes a reduction in taxes for the 53 percent of non-freeloading Americans, an increase in military spending and a new law proclaiming Pennsylvania Avenue to be an “Arithmetic Free” zone.
June: President Romney speaks before the United Nations, imploring every nation to brainwash its citizens into believing that clean coal is actually clean. When members of the European delegation ask him how they should explain the high levels of mercury and other pollutants in Appalachia, Mitt smiles and says he doesn’t get involved in the affairs of Greece.
July: President Romney gives every state the right to determine whether it will allow gay marriage. He simultaneously refuses all federal funding for any state that allows homosexuals to marry.
August: In the rose garden, Romney declares education to be his top priority. He then boards a helicopter for a three-week summer vacation in the Cayman Islands. He never mentions the topic again until the presidential debates in October of 2015, when he declares education to be his top priority.
September: With his approval ratings sagging, President Romney sends the entire Navy to search for the body of Osama Bin Laden to make sure he is dead. When Bin Laden’s body is found, he orders a navy seal team to kill him again – just to be sure.
October: With approval ratings still plummeting, President Romney fires Vice President Paul Ryan and outsources the vice presidency to China.
November: With unemployment rates no different than they were when he took office and much of his own party grumbling at his inability to reduce the deficit, President Romney promises to cut taxes in 2013. His approval ratings soar. Upon hearing this, Rush Limbaugh spontaneously climaxes during his Thanksgiving telecast.
December: President Romney lights the White House Christmas tree and proclaims that it’s so bright both God and Joseph Smith can see it from Planet Kolob.