The first cut is the deepest
by Tom McMasters-Stone
Circumcision is such a clinical word. It just seems so, I guess, “relaxed” to me. Maybe too similar to circumspect, if you will. So perhaps I can offer some alternative names that are, uh, more to the point: Dick Dock? Pecker Prune? Cock Chop?
I bring this up now because the movement to ban male circumcisions seems to be picking up a head of steam. As they have been on so many other cutting-edge social issues, our very own San Francisco is at the foreskin of the issue.
Headed for the ballot there, so to speak, is a measure to ban all elective infant/minor circumcisions, and a dozen or so other government bodies around the country are considering similar actions as well.
Proponents of the ban talk about nature’s intent, physical complications, emotional problems, and diminished sexual enjoyment.
I don’t know if I have had any diminished sexual enjoyment. I have been pretty happy with it every time, although there may be some dissenting opinions written on some women’s restroom walls here and there.
Likewise, I don’t know if I have any related psychological issues. I have always adored turtles and tortoises, but that could be just a coincidence. On the other hand, I HATE turtleneck shirts and sweaters. You can come to your own conclusions about Steve Jobs.
Of course, he wears MOCK turtleneck sweaters, so who knows what the hell THAT means…
I guess I could consider the Foreballs Foreskin Restoration device. The standard set weighs about 7.5 oz (a 1″ diameter ball and a 1-1/4″ diameter ball). Some other popularly requested sets weigh about 10 oz (two 1-1/4″ diameter balls); and another at about 12.5 oz (a 1-1/4″ ball and a 1-1/2″ ball). Sets can be made with most any combination of ball bearings. $130.00, plus $7.00 s/h. Gravity does the job; no surgery! I’m skeptical—it seems like a bit of a stretch to me.
I was also surprised not long ago to be with a group of guys only to find out I was the lone guy in the group that did not have a name for his stinger. I did ponder that for a while afterward. I suppose it is POSSIBLE that it is some kind of subliminal psychological reaction to a good part of me being left on the cutting room floor.
Once upon a time, one of my girlfriends did give him a name, “Pierre,” because of my French heritage. Every once in a while, though, she would call him “Pedro.” We both laughed like hell when I “caught on” to her mistake, remembering that her previous love had been a Mexican!
Leading the opposition to the proposed circumcision ban are, of course, the Jews and the Muslims, claiming that the Constitution’s Freedom of Religion clause gives them the right to mutilate their infant sons.
I am sure they would be just as supportive if my religious beliefs dictated that I tattoo all my children and grandchildren with “Science Flies You Into Space, Religion Flies You Into Buildings.” Yeah, right.
One of the most interesting arguments against San Francisco’s ballot measure is that this type of health care decision is a Federal issue, and not one for the states or local government. WTF!?!?! I love how people bounce around on health care whenever it suits their own needs. Pathetic.
What about the whole “pro-life” aspect of the discussion? Every woman born says that a man’s brain is located in his penis, and nothing screams “life!” like a brain. And what other part of the body can be wide awake when everything else is sound asleep?
Foreskins have also been known to wiggle around for quite a while after their removal.
We also know, of course, that a penis is very much like a rattlesnake—even after cutting off that first inch or two, it remains dangerous for another 60, 70, or maybe even 80 years!
Besides, are we to assume that God and Allah both made a mistake in designing men’s genitals? I mean, if they didn’t want a foreskin there, they could have just designed them without one, right?
It also seems a bit presumptuous for God to dictate alterations to something he has never himself used. Sure, he did have that one relationship, but, remember, it was long-distance. Which reminds me, I never really understood the benefits of that whole “Immaculate Conception” thingy. All the work, but none of the fun at the beginning? Doesn’t seem like much of a selling point to me.
Although I have interfaced with some lovely cooters over the years, none of them were immaculate, so maybe I just don’t know what the hell I am talking about.
So, we know that for a Jewish Mohel, business is “bris” on the baby’s 8th day. Is it free? I mean, if you pay somebody to perform a wedding, to join two people together, maybe the Mohel should be paying the kid for slicing something off? And I wonder what the protocol is. Do you tip him for the service? If so, how big a tip? Obviously, something proportionate, but how does one define “proportionate?”
Did you know that human foreskins are a huge business for the cosmetics industry? Face creams and collagens. Looks like “Oil of Olay” might just be “Oil of Ollie,” Neutrogena’s Visibly Firm Night Cream now has new meaning, and I am not EVEN going to discuss the Lancome products. No, this is NOT a joke… Look it up! It does NOT seem Kosher to me.
Additionally, a single human foreskin can be used to cultivate tens of thousands of dollars worth of fibroblasts, which are used in growing new skin cells for burn victims and others. Talk about the tip of the iceberg!
I wonder what the going rate is these days for a foreskin that was just sliced off an 8-day-old infant? And how much of that money goes to the kid? Any? Even half would make one helluva scholarship fund.
The bottom line is that there is no reason to circumcise a boy, to turn them into “sex shaves,” if you will, until they are old enough to make the decision for themselves. Zip, zero, zilch. They can still be Jews, they can still be Muslims. Parents deciding to do such a thing to their infant sons is barbaric. Doing it in the name of a just, loving God or Allah makes it even more so.
Yes, there are some positive health benefits to circumcision, but none that can’t be considered by the kid himself when he is old enough. Hey! We could cut off all breasts to avoid breast cancer—but we don’t. Because that would be absurd.
On the other hand, the decision about my own foreskin was made on my behalf, so to speak, a long time ago, with no input from me. So, it is only for those yet to be born that I speak, or those who are less than 8 days old. It’s no skin off my nose.