The ins and outs of ‘sex, lies and video tapes,’ and who’s the biggest wiener in politics
by Carolyn Wyler
There’s nothing like an election year to bring on a testosterone-infested, muscle-flexing reality show that we are all forced to painfully endure. We are unable to turn the channel as it monopolizes the headlines of nearly every station, newspaper and internet news website. I would find it more entertaining to go to the local zoo and watch monkeys fling poop and point and squeal accusatorily at each other as they fight for a banana or for the top seat on the totem pole.
So here we are again, every four years like leap year. But unlike leap year, election year tends to take away days of our lives rather than giving us an extra one.
So who is going to win the “Biggest Weiner” reality show this time? Sorry Anthony, don’t go and get your jockey shorts all in a bunch, but you are no longer in the running. There are plenty of bigger dickheads out there than you, but thanks for playing.
The other day I stumbled into a conversation where two conservatives were defending a certain radio talk show host whose name I shall not mention but sounds a bit like “hush dim wad.” They were defending his constitutional right to call law student Sandra Fluke a slut and a prostitute.
“After all, it he has a right to free speech,” they argued. “Besides Bill Maher called Sarah Palin the c word.” (As if that was supposed to make it ok).
The conversation quickly went from bad to crazy town. One of them stated they “firmly believed that a woman should have to pay for birth control, even the poor and young teenagers.”
“If they choose not to use birth control (for whatever reason) then they probably really wanted a baby and they should take the responsibility and the consequences of their actions and raise that child themselves.”
Umm ok…, or… maybe she’s just 15, can’t afford birth control, and simply planned on an evening out with her boyfriend, but while out watching the submarine races got caught up in the passion of the moment, lost control (but of course that never happens) and — oops — found out six weeks later she was pregnant. How is she going to afford the cost of raising a child when she can’t even afford birth control? And who do you think will get stuck with the bill when she can’t pay for the kid?
To add further verbal fuel to the fire (not to be confused with gas fuel which would be much too expensive right now), Dim Wad tells Sandra to make a sex tape to pay for her escapades. Say what? All I can say is: where is Gloria Allred when there is a mega money lawsuit to be had? Oh wait. She already filed a formal complaint, probably before the talk show host finished pronouncing the word prostitute.
Maybe you should have just bought the gas and driven away from the situation Mr. Dim Wad. It might have been cheaper. Just something to consider for next time.
Speaking of gas, another conflict in this current battle for biggest wiener revolves around the high prices at the pump. Just whose fault is it hat the prices are so high?
Also, who caused the economy to crash? Why haven’t the wars ended and the troops been brought home? Why aren’t there more troops being sent out? Why isn’t anyone stopping Iran from building nuclear bombs?
Promises made and broken, birth certificates forged and legitimized. Secrets, lies, and sex scandals — they’re all part of the poop-flinging-finger-pointing-hyper-jumping-monkey-squealing fest that will not ease up until November. Even then it will still be left sizzling in the frying pan.
As far as who is going to win the Biggest Wiener contest the jury is still out (let’s hope it’s not a “hung” jury). There may just be too many winners to narrow it down to just one wiener.