• author
    • Maya Stiles Parsons Spier

      Columnist, Editor-in-Chief
    • September 21, 2013 in Columnists

    The physics of love

    Love one another and help others to rise to the higher levels, simply by pouring out love. Love is infectious and the greatest healing energy.
    Sai Baba

    I know what it’s like to know I am not loved.  Worse yet, I was a child when I realized it.

    People would tell me that I was wrong, that my parents and family did love me.  Perhaps so, but I’ve come to understand there are varying types of love.  The love I had was the “of course, because people love their children” type.  What I did not have was the “I love you, you marvelous person who is my child.”

    I knew the difference between duty-love and the real thing.  By the time I was a teenager, I knew it for sure, just as I knew pretty much nobody in my life beside one grandmother loved me.  Not in my family.  Not at school.  This was my reality – everywhere.  I had no doubt about this at all.

    Truly, I felt that I was uniquely defective in such a way as to ensure I could not be loved – by anybody.  After all, I had been such a horrible newborn that my mother gave me away as soon as I was born.  Everything for years that came after that just proved the point.

    The first time I remember feeling an impulse to suicide, I was 6 years old.  I figured that if I was the worst child ever born, I would only be doing the world a favor by dying.

    Breathe, dearhearts.  I don’t feel that way anymore and haven’t for years.  But I did.  Oh, surely and with every bit of me, I did.

    Perhaps this is why I love the way I do.  I posted this comment to Facebook today (September 20, 2013):

    ”Love and chocolate fix most things. Love can be a challenge but it’s still the easiest solution to most problems. Love is what fills the hole that life tears in our hearts. I think that’s why I love the way I do, because it’s all I craved but wasn’t given for so long. I cannot bear thinking of so many wonderful people in that same pain when my love just might help. Plus, they may not (yet) realize it, but they are simply lovable and I would love them anyway for no other reason at all…”

    Yes, I know darned good and well how people feel when they are unloved and I cannot sit by and do nothing.  I search for what I can love in a person.  I seek out the beauty within and so far, with very few exceptions, I always find it.

    Mind you, it is possible for me to walk away from a person.  I’ve been used and abused – if I see this starting up again, I am so gone.  I confess, also, that a person who does the same self-destructive thing for years and asks me repeatedly for help only to go back and do it all over again will have me slipping out of their lives because it’s just too painful to watch them go down for the third time. I am only so strong.  I also have a sense of self-preservation.  But generally speaking, if there is a spark in there to nourish, that will be me, blowing gently on it and feeding it the tinder of kindness and love.

    I believe that love is the easiest and best solution to everything.  If you come back to love as the solution – whether that be the practical love of giving a neighbor a ride or helping patch a hole in the roof, the tough love that stares someone in the face and sternly abjures them to love themselves the same way they love their children, or the tender love of a hug, a shoulder and an ear – it is the root of all that heals and repairs the world, the universe, eternity – and each other.  Tikkun Olam wears many robes, but every one of them is ultimately made of love.

    I love because I know how it feels to be the unloved, the unwanted, the rejected, the despised.  I love because I can feel the aching hole in a heart and soul and it resonates within the scar that remains on mine.  I love because every time I see a picture of an unwanted child, or pet, or elder – or anybody – I dissolve into tears and I want to replace that anguish with joy instead.

    But I am just a human, and imperfect and thus hardly the solution to world problems or in any sense a be all or an end all.  But I don’t have to be.  We don’t have to be because we are not alone.  We have each other.  Every single one of us has the same power to go forth and love.

    Every one of us can smile at the forgotten elder in the grocery store with a delight that says “I see you!”

    Every one of us can love the children in our lives and show them that they matter.

    Each of us can make a coworker’s day better with nothing more than a kind word.

    Most of us can adopt a pet and share a love unparalleled in the human world.

    How many more examples of this are there?  As many as as there are people on earth.  It’s as simple as a choice between being cruel or indifferent – and pouring out love.  The interesting thing about love is that it does not follow the laws of physics.  In physical reality, the more you expend, the less you have.

    With love, the more you expend, the more you have.

    I was one of the most unloved little kids I have ever known.  I am now richer in love than I ever dreamed I could be.  These riches are not for hoarding.  They are for sharing.   Shall we fill each other’s hearts today?

    Big hugs and nose smoochies…

    • Beautiful entry. I always enjoy your work; your remarks about the difference between “duty love” and real love were amazing, and I am sorry about the “scar” that was left on your heart at such an early age. You are completely right–love does not follow the laws of physics. Love is not for “hoarding.” I always feel a little bit more courageous reading your work. Thanks.

        • Maya North

        • September 21, 2013 at 10:24 pm
        • Reply

        Thank you so much, dearheart. One day I realized that I could be loved and that my love was valued. It opened a door in my heart that I hadn’t truly realized was shut. From there, all my blessings have flowed. It’s a lot like a miracle. Big hugs!

    • Loved this piece of writing. I can’t imagine parents not loving their children. Even ones who give their child to another to raise loved them enough to try and give them something better. Sorry you didn’t feel or experience love.

        • Maya North

        • September 21, 2013 at 10:26 pm
        • Reply

        Back in the day, they didn’t really know the right questions to ask. I’m not sure they still do, although it’s improved. A couple that looks great on paper might look their best only on paper. It’s okay. I’m at peace with it now. It’s brought me right here — and here is very good (for the most part) these days… <3

    • Looks like you have found self love along the way. I, too enjoyed your article.
      No child should feel unloved. You didn’t deserve that. Sounds like your journey has taught you more about love than your family will ever know. Thank God for Grandmas!

        • Maya North

        • September 21, 2013 at 10:29 pm
        • Reply

        It was an enormous struggle, especially since, because of my upbringing, I wholly believed everyone and everything that said I was worthless. I finally realized that NObody is worthless, so neither am I. That was the springboard — but it’s taken some time. Thank you. <3

      • Heather Lee Alani

      • September 21, 2013 at 8:22 pm
      • Reply

      Ms. maya. I think many of us understand exactly how you felt and feel. You can have people around you but never be loved, never matter much, they say I love you but they never show it. You are my kindred spirit in every aspect, I understand you so well. Spending your life being a loving person naturally and always carrying the feeling No one loved you as much as you loved them. Maybe they just weren’t capable of as much love as you are. Your heart is big and courageous, full of spirit and life. Not everyone is as blessed as you! I can honestly say Ms. Maya I love you dearly with all of my heart. You changed my life by all you have given me. You don’t see the enormous impact you have on others lives when you choose to show them love taking the time to nourish their spirit. The world would be a grander place by far if we had more Maya’s in it! Thank you so much dear heart.

        • Maya North

        • September 21, 2013 at 10:39 pm
        • Reply

        Heather, you honor me beyond words. I love you, too. <3

      • Janice Meyer

      • September 22, 2013 at 12:18 am
      • Reply

      I’ve come to learn that sometimes no matter how much you love a person, they are going to be on self-destruct and they will take you down with them if they can. It ripped my heart apart, but I finally came to the conclusion that some people are so toxic that you have to love from a distance because there is just no other way.

        • Maya North

        • September 22, 2013 at 2:38 pm
        • Reply

        Janice, sadly, that is so true. Trick is learning when not to give up and when to walk away.

      • Rodney

      • September 24, 2013 at 6:18 am
      • Reply


        • Maya North

        • September 24, 2013 at 9:54 am
        • Reply

        Rodney, that makes perfect sense. 🙂

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