The real war on Christmas
by Matt “Naj” Najmowicz
Lately comrades, I have been listening to a certain portion of the media that drums up the claim that there’s a war on Christmas. If there is a war on Christmas, it’s coming from an unexpected source.
According to FOX News, the war on Christmas comes from people who are just trying to ruin Christianity. Most of the finger pointing is to the Atheists and the “secular Progressives.” For the record, I particularly love the term “secular Progressive.” My definition of that term as someone who is double rad.
I digressed, — there’s an all-out assault on Christmas, and I will now throw back the curtains and show you who is pulling all the levers: American capitalism.
For example, you have these consumer Sabbaths like Black Friday and Cyber Monday that are created by corporations for the explicit intent of you spending a lot of money on specific days right after Thanksgiving. In fact, this year a lot of stores were giving deals and special store times on Thanksgiving night for you to buy a washer and dryer, a computer, a car, or a vacuum cleaner for that special someone. Here’s a special tip for men who prefer women: Want to say I love you to your girlfriend or wife? Buy her a dishwasher. It’s a very romantic gift and she will orgasm that you got it on sale — after all, women love their sales.
Someone can walk down the aisles of any store, and there are plenty of wreaths, Christmas trees, tinsel, bells, employees with Santa hats, nametags with Christmas décor on it, and of course Christmas music. Ah, the Christmas music, I love it. The music’s just loud enough to get you to keep walking around a store like a zombie extra from “Walking Dead” to keep buying the things you don’t need or want. But much like a zombie’s hunger for human flesh, you are conditioned to mindlessly desire Skull Candy for your uncle. You know — that uncle that you don’t even like that much and are pretty sure he is a bigot, but still feel obligated to buy him something while humming “White Christmas” under your breath and secretly craving human brains.
Social conventions already make you predisposed to shop and TV commercials subliminally make you desire what is sold at Target. You are armed with a credit card or a debit card to buy all that you think you desire with ease, and 20 percent interest. Buy it all on credit; it’s going to be a Happy New Year!
Comrades, it’s clearly hyper capitalism that is choking out Santa with piano wire and putting Baby Jesus into the Gulag. It is not some secret cult of Atheists or some intricate plot from my personal heroes, the Communists. It is Master Card, Visa, Bank of America, Wal-Mart, Nordstrom and Cadillac; they want you to destroy your family traditions during the holidays.
However, FOX News, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and my favorite, Alex Jones, point to a more sinister enemy: Progressives.
Of course it cannot be the mass consumerism that we’re programmed to participate in — that’s simply un-American to question capitalism and I will not allow it in my column! Get your Stalin worshipping ass out of here you filthy Liberal!
I was talking to my mother about writing this column and she made the point of the day. “Instead of having a cyber-Monday, why can’t we make sure every child has a new pair of shoes and a warm coat for Christmas?” I apologize for my mother’s Communist leanings — she actually still believes in the birth of Christ and Christ’s teachings of love your brother and to reach out to the poor and sick. Mom still believes in social justice and caring about people on Christmas. She is clearly unpatriotic and doesn’t care about her country.
Mom clearly has a war on Christmas.