The rich get richer, and stingier too
I’m going to start my own non-profit, tax free charity foundation. There’s a lot of money out there and I’m gonna get me some.
Bunches and bunches of rich people are just waiting for a guy like me to show them where to send their charity dollars. All a charity has to do is let those rich people know that they exist and within minutes, the money starts rolling in by the bucketful.
Well that’s what I was thinking last week, but today is a whole week later. In just whatever amount of time it took to get from last week to this week (I’m not sure how long that was) I found out it is not so easy for me to lay my hands on all those charity dollars.
From what I gather, you can’t just say you’re a charity and go get the money like I thought I could. You have to go through certain procedures and all the requirements that are designed to keep the riff-raff out of the charity game. I’ll tell you right now that all of these rules and regulations did a number on my charity hopes. By the time I did this and that and all of the other stuff, someone else has got all the money and there wouldn’t be anything left for me at all! That sucks! What the hell, man!
I had a plan! I was going to call all of the rich people I know (which is none) and tell them I was the head of the “Feed the Little Poor Kids of Winters, California.” I thought the money would be rolling in by now! So, today is a week later then when it was supposed to start, and I still don’t have a damn penny! I’m so frustrated! What the hay, man!
After all the time and sweat I put into this charity and I don’t get nuthin! I am a little smarter though because of the information I learned about raising money. They call it “fundraising.” There are tricks to it and if you don’t know the tricks you’re going to end up like me, broke and embarrassed.
I’ll share some of this information and tricks with you since you’re reading my column, and to those that aren’t reading it, you don’t get nuthin!
OK, as it turns out, rich people are (on the average) less generous then poor people because the personal drive to accumulate wealth is inconsistent with the idea of communal support. Last year, not one of the top 50 individual charitable gifts went to a social-service organization or to a charity that principally serves the poor and the dispossessed. Instead, the 50 largest individual gifts to public charities went to educational institutions, the vast majority of them colleges and universities, like Harvard, Columbia, and Berkeley. Guess who these universities cater to? That’s right — the nation’s elite!
A guy named David M Evans of Bloomberg Market Magazine says “the rich are way more likely to prioritize their own self-interests above the interests of other people.” They are, he continued, “more likely to exhibit characteristics that we would stereotypically associate with, say, assholes.”
I found out that in 2011, the wealthiest Americans (those with earnings in the top 20 percent) contributed on average 1.3 percent of their income to charity and Americans at the base of the income pyramid, those in the bottom 20 percent, donated 3.2 percent of their income. Most of these poor scums cannot take advantage of the charitable tax deduction, because they don’t itemize deductions on their income-tax returns. Some of those dirty scums don’t even file for taxes at all!
I found that wealth affects not only how much money is given but to whom the hell they give it to. The poor scums tend to give to churches and food banks, while the rich people prefer to support colleges and universities, arts organizations and museums. Does that suck or what?
One charity, run by a lady named Robin Patterson thought that about 70-80 percent of the money they brought in would be used for diabetes research, Ha! The truth was almost the exact opposite. The vast majority of funds Patterson, her neighbors and people like them throughout the country would raise, almost 80 percent, would never get to the Diabetes Association. Instead, that money collected from letters sent to neighbors and other poor scum would go to the company that employed Robin and an army of other paid telephone solicitors: InfoCision Management Corp.
I have to say that after whatever amount of time has passed from last week to this week, I learned of lot of nuthin! I still don’t know how to get those rich people to give me their money. What it amounts to is that when it comes to raising money, I don’t know squat!
Never fear! I have a big brain and I will be thinking all the time ’til I come up with something that will make me rich and you know what? When I’m rich, I’m not going to give anything to the food bank either!