• author
    • Donald Sanders

    • March 17, 2014 in Columnists

    There are four ways to make me famous

    I thought to myself, “”What happened?” How come Winters, California doesn’t have a famous guy to draw the tourists from all around the world to spend all their money in this town? Well I’ve figured out a way to remedy that problem. Think about the words: “Winters California, Home of the Famous Donald K. Sanders!” Pretty catchy, huh?

    Are you starting to see what I’m thinking? No? Well, read on.  The city of Winters needs a famous person. Then I thought, “Who is better suited than me to be famous?” After that, I thought, “No one!” So now you’re thinking, “You dummy, you’re not famous!” Well OK. You see, that’s the trick. We have to make me famous. So, just how do we make me famous? Well, I have several ideas along that line. I’ll just toss my ideas up in the air to see which one catches on, OK? We could even write a theme song for me.

    Idea number 1: You remember that guy Mandela from Africa? He was, like, super famous because he went to jail. Well, it just so happens that I too went to jail. Not just one time like that Mandela guy, but three, maybe four times. Now, if we consider that Mandela got out of jail to be president of his country after only one time in jail, how high up the political ladder could I go, because I have been in jail way more times that that guy.

    An interesting side note:  In jail you get to have the toilet right next to your bed. It’s not a namby-pamby toilet either, because I could hold up one of those big wool Army blankets, flush the toilet and it would suck that blanket right down, like it was a weasel or something. It would just go, “Slurp!” If I ever get to build a house, I’m going to put one of those toilets right next to my bed because that’s part of being famous, I think.

    Anyway, back to idea number two:  You know how Abe Lincoln had a log cabin in Kentucky or wherever, and Davy Crockett had a cabin in some other place? Well, we can say that Donald K. Sanders had a house right here in Winters, California. OK, my house is too little to use, so we will have to use Mr. Ogando’s house. Yeah, it looks like a house where the famous Donald K. Sanders could live.

    Or, we could use Dennis Kilkenny’s house on the other side of the creek. I like that house too. We’d have to put up a sign somewhere pointing to the “Historical Home of Donald K. Sanders!” I’m sure the Ogandos and the Kilkennys wouldn’t mind a small group of my fans touring their house once a day. Somewhere in their yard, we’d have to put up a headstone with, “Thar lays Donald K. Sanders, kilt by a bar while defending little kids from wild savages!”

    Idea number three:  The houses of famous people are still famous after they’re dead. Famous people have died in airplane crashes, skiing accidents, murder and even cancer, so we have to have a spectacular death for me right. Nothing real gory or anything like that — we don’t have to get drastic. I was thinking of something like, “Donald K. Sanders dies of starvation because he gave all his food to the starving little kids of Winters,California.

    Idea number 4: This idea can go along with any of the other ideas. You know how famous I am for writing all of my wonderful ideas into a column, so even the simplest person can understand what has often been described as “Quantum Theories of D. K. Sanders.” So, here’s the plan: Each and every one of you should nominate me for a Pulitzer Prize for this and all my other great columns that I don’t get paid for. As a matter of fact, I don’t get paid for anything! You know what I like about that? “If you don’t get paid, you can’t get fired.” Another way of putting it is, “If you’re a fish, they can’t drown you!”

    While you’re filling out those Pulitzer Prize nomination forms, it’s important to just offer your prayers up to God each day in hopes that he will respond to your prayer in a speedy manner. The quicker I get famous, the quicker I will get rich. The quicker I get rich, the quicker I get that blanket-sucking toilet right next to my bed. WooHoo!


    • I will vote for you as the famous person of Winters anytime.

      • Cathy

      • March 17, 2014 at 4:58 pm
      • Reply

      Hey Don, I’m coming to town soon, and I’ll help you build that blanket sucking toilet. Come up with a plan! I’ll be there on the 2nd of April. Looking forward to a cup of Java from fast Eddie’s and a shovel to help dig. Your pal, Cathy

    • OH a toilet next to my bed!! The time I can save to do other things!

      • Ms. Alani, I went ahead and cut the hole in my bedroom floor for the toilet pipe but you might want to hold off on that because I’m sleeping on the couch now.I guess my wife doesn’t have-well, whatever we have that makes us want a toilet next to our beds.

      • terryv

      • March 19, 2014 at 1:51 am
      • Reply

      fast Eddie died you dip shit

      • Cathy

      • March 19, 2014 at 9:25 am
      • Reply

      Sorry I didn’t get the name of the coffee shop right. That’s what happens when you’re separated from Winters by several states, and don’t get to Winters as often as you would like. It’s a great town, and I’m looking forward to my visit.

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