• author
    • Matthew Najmowicz

    • May 12, 2014 in Columnists

    They’re clapping to Tony Orlando — watch out for those arm flaps!

    What the hell is happening on Huckabee?

    Sunday, the Lord’s day of rest, is supposed to be a day when I can relax myself and get prepared for the new week. Instead, FOX News again blew up my mind and had me at DEFCON-4.

    I was channel surfing Sunday night and the show “Huckabee” was in full tilt. For those who don’t know, Huckabee is an hour program hosted by my former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee. He is as white as his last name sounds. He is a former pastor turned Republican politician who ran for the American presidency in 2008. He won the first caucus and then his political platform ran out of steam.

    As a side note, Huckabee knocked out Mitt Romney with one punch in the 2008 primary. Romney was talking during a debate and then the attention switched to Huckabee. Huckabee, without a bat of an eyelash, said Mitt Romney looks like the guy who just fired you. Huckabee threw one punch and devastated Romney’s campaign. That was pure political theater and I loved it!

    Governor Huckabee’s presidential campaign died quickly after that moment in the spotlight and I assume Roger Ailes was watching and loved him. Quickly the former governor got a TV show, and what a show it is! Let me convince you!

    First 45 minutes, is Huckabee complaining about Democrats. Then, Huckabee straps on his electric bass guitar and rocks out with the “little rockers.” Yes, he can play adequate bass, enough to get by.

    Well let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, last night was a milestone for the Huckabee audience. At one point he had Lou Dobbs on his show. Dobbs is a nobody-pundit who used to have a show on HLN. He now is on FOX’s financial channel and talked about FED chair Janet Yellen’s concern about income inequality.

    Huckabee and Dobbs agreed that income inequality is a problem. Get used to it — the Republicans are going to co-opt income inequality as a party talking point. Of course, why do right-wingers think there is income inequality? Too much regulation strangling business, especially small business. It’s the same wine in new bottles. They will talk about income inequality and corporate welfare. It’s a brilliant tactic to cut into Democratic talking points and neutralize their energy.

    So as I sat there watching Dobbs and the Huckster (Huckabee) spew their brand of bullshit, the next loony tune came marching onto the screen. Old man Richard Dreyfuss has an organization called The Dreyfuss Initiative and their charge is to get people engaged in old-school civics.

    I honestly didn’t want to be cynical so I sat there and quietly watched the shark hunter Dreyfuss.

    OK, he has plans to teach about American history and how government works. I guess he is going to do a centerfold spread in Hustler magazine about the Founding Fathers (Thomas Jefferson has amazing legs).

    All jokes aside, Richard Dreyfuss was there to tell the Huckster about Dreyfuss organizing a general strike. I’m going to wait for all of you to recover from your collective faints.

    What do we want?! Civics! When do we want it?! Now!

    Can I use the People’s Microphone? It’s the only way the aging Baby Boomers can hear me.

    For those who don’t know any labor history, which is virtually everyone, a general strike is when everyone, and I mean everyone, walks off their job at an established time for a certain duration of time. Richard Dreyfuss said he wants to have a general strike for half an hour. Not long enough to hurt the economy but long enough to let everyone know in Washington, D.C. that the American people are the sovereign people.

    Ever watch a 70-year-old woman clap her arms? Imagine Bruce Lee twirling around his nunchucks. Those arms aren’t bingo-wings anymore — they can get you arrested in 17 states. The men are even more aggressive and all look like old, decrepit Annakin Skywalker in Vader’s suit at the end of “Star Wars: A New Hope.” Just as grey, just as dead looking, clapping with enthusiasm for Huckabee’s bullcrap, and probably have never seen a black person up close before. However, I’m sure they are deathly afraid of African-Americans and wish for David Duke to run again.

    Old man Dreyfuss is going to use a Leftist tactic of the ’60s for the diabetic mall-walker crowd? What are they going to do, jump in their Rascal motorized chairs and protest to take America back? I suppose this is their “Cocoon” moment and this is the pool they all pee in. I’d love to see this general strike of people who don’t work. By the way, have a general strike for the entire day and maybe the government and big business will take notice. If they have a strike for 30 minutes and you basically wasted someone’s lunchbreak, you’re a fucking asshole. Watch out, the Walmart greeter is going to go protest for 30 minutes. I hope he or she doesn’t miss his or her medications.

    If this isn’t all enough, now you get a musical performance with the Huckster on bass guitar. Sunday night’s musician was Tony Orlando. It’s time to turn back the hands of time and dust off your Tony Orlando records (I love that sound, Stern reference). They played “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Around the Old Oak Tree.” Question: how fucking white must you be to jam out to that song? Seriously, how old are you? Even my parents liked the Temptations. SERIOUSLY? Tie a noose around your neck and kill yourselves. There were people older than The Crusades sitting there and clapping along to the beat of the song.

    By the way, the clapping is the worst. Some stereotypes are true — white people have no sense of rhythm especially when they have their AARP cards. Imagine people with bones like pretzels trying to clap along with a mid-tempo song. They can barely breathe and have no cardiovascular function and yet they are clapping along with Tony Orlando. Poor Tony trying to energize a crowd that has no idea how they appeared on the Huckabee show. Thank God they tape the show at 2 p.m. so they all can be in bed by 6 p.m.

    I would say I laughed and cried while watching this freight-train derail, but that would be inaccurate. Instead, I just watched a group of people get their daily brainwashing. I felt sad, because those people have genuine fears, and fears for their children’s and grandchildren’s futures. Instead you have this snake oil salesman Huckabee selling them false hope. Huckabee is smooth like fine silk and will charm you to death.

    Good job, Huckabee.

    • Oh Matthew I’m so sorry I missed that show but then again, I would have paid someone to jab a stick in my eye before I would watch it anyway. I would probably watch a recorded version of South Park. There is something about little kids that talk dirty that brings back the days of my youth. Thanks for sharing though.

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