Thinking about changing my life
by Donald K. Sanders
I’ve been thinking about making some changes in my life but I’m not sure where to start. Maybe I’ll change my column first and then maybe everything else will change by itself. Even with my IQ of 10,000, I think it will be necessary to get some advice so I don’t change the wrong thing. I don’t want to make a hole in the time continuum thingy.
Even Caesar, the old Roman guy, had advisors. If he was as smart as I am, he would have followed the advice to beware of the Ides of March, right? If someone told me to “Beware of the Ides of March” I would have thought, “What the hell are the Ides of March?” But not Caesar.
Caesar just looks at his watch and sees that today is the Ides of March and tells his personal assistant to look into that tomorrow. A good advisor would have told him that this problem had to be handled today, not tomorrow! If he had just one good advisor, he’d still be alive today.
That’s it! I want to change my column to an advice column. Maybe I should change the name of my column to “Ask Donald.” However, I also think I should have a specialized advice column. One that people could ask questions about specific things like, well, I’m going to have to think about this some more. Chicha-chicha-chicha-kachang! That’s what my mind sounds like when it is thinking.
There are certain things that I can’t write about and I have to shy away from because my wife is in Hawaii this week and she’s not here to explain to me if what I am saying is good advice or bad. I can’t give advice about love because that’s the only thing on Earth that I don’t fully understand. My wife does, but like I just said, she’s not here to tell me what to say.
I could give advice about what a guy should do while his wife is away chasing whales around the Hawaiian Islands. Well, maybe not. Since she’s been gone, things have kind of fallen apart for me. She’s only been gone a few days and already I stink. I have B.O. Not only that, there’s something growing on the stove and I don’t know what it is.
Every dish that we own is dirty, and on the counters and in the sink. Silverware (that’s what we call it but it’s really steelware) — yep, it’s all dirty too. I went and got some paper plates and now there are paper plates all over the counters on top of the dishes and silverware. I don’t have any clean clothes or towels so I can’t take a bath. I have to turn my underwear inside out because they’re cleaner that way.
I can see that this advice column stuff is going to take a little thinking before I write something I might regret. I really don’t know why it matters so much what I write about — a person would have to be really dumb to read my column anyway, right? Not only that, everybody knows that if I didn’t send in something to the editor of the local newspaper, then there’d be a big blank spot in the paper and they’d blame that on Debra because she is the editor. They’d look at the blank spot and say, “What the hell is on Debra’s mind?” “Why did she leave a big blank spot in the paper?” They would say to their buddy. Then their buddy would say, “I don’t know.”
I can’t give advice about plants and yard work either. Since my wife left to travel, all of the houseplants are dead. My lawn is knee high with weeds and dog poop. That’s another thing! Where the hell did the dog poop when my wife was home? Now the dang dog poops right in the middle of the sidewalk. It even pooped in the house the other day and I’m still walking around it till it dries up. Geez!
Well, now I don’t know if I should write an advice column or not. Maybe I could be a food critic. Yeah, then when I go into the local restaurants, they’ll give me extra fine service and free food. Or maybe I could write about politics or even be a political guy myself and run for mayor. That would be nice if I knew anything about majoring.
I think that maybe I should think about this some more before I write something really dumb.