This Just In…
In interstellar news: We’re doomed.
This cataclysmic conclusion is being made by yours truly after spending the last few weeks attempting to observe mankind as objectively as possible. Of course, doing so may be a huge mistake, since most rational people would agree there is no place for objectivity where civilization is concerned. Then again, I’ve never been accused of exercising rational thought.
So what was it that caused me to render a verdict of such finality?
In my opinion, our fate is being sealed by our fascination, or rather obsession, with irrelevant dribble. Take for instance the recent obsession with Anthony Weiner’s sexting habits. I can see why people in New York might care for a couple of minutes. But, in the face of so much that needs our collective attention – like global warming and the exploitation of the working class – who gives a shit about what Anthony Weiner is sending in his emails? Why do we obsess over crap like this?
Consider our fascination with dimwits like Snookie, Honey Booboo and Kim Kardashian. We hand this type of animated meat the keys to the kingdom while teachers, scholars and educators are mostly thought of as after thoughts because their lives are not worthy of being followed around by a film crew.
Long ago, I gave up the notion that we could save ourselves. With stupid people like the Koch brothers and exploitative entities like Walmart and Congress calling more of the shots, civilization has no chance of evolving.
With that realization, I put my last hope for mankind in the hands of some form of benevolent alien life who would come down from the heavens and either provide us with technologies to solve our problems or use their death rays to cleanse the earth of organized religion and Corporate America. Hey, we all have our dreams.
But then I did the unthinkable and dashed my own prospect for salvation.
I looked at mankind through the eyes of an extraterrestrial. Unfortunately, the perspective was utterly depressing. Based on the power we give the dumbest of the dumb, if I were an alien observing this planet, I would not be inclined to offer much assistance. In fact, I’d steer clear. I could not trust this species known as humans with any kind of advanced technologies because, in their current state of stupidity, they could jeopardize the existence of the entire universe.
Given our current set of problems and the fact that we could solve most of them if we just stopped being dicks, if you had superior technologies, would you want us to have them? Would you bother with a species who allows starvation and poverty to exist while they search frantically for the latest news on Kate Middleton’s afterbirth? Hell no! It would be like asking a three year old to fly a stealth fighter. Worse actually. Depending on who got the technology, it would most likely be weaponized or monetized to no good end. At that point, we’d either hasten our own demise or help facilitate the destruction of the Milky Way.
No. We are on our own.
If you think I’m just selling another brand of crazy, you might be right. But before blowing my forecast off, consider a 2007 opinion expressed by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson in his book, “Death by Black Hole.”
Regarding the existence of aliens and whether they are observing us, deGrasse Tyson wrote, “For all we know, the aliens have already done this and unwittingly concluded that there was no intelligent life on Earth. They would now be looking elsewhere. A more humbling possibility would be if aliens had become aware of the technologically proficient species that now inhabits Earth, yet they had drawn the same conclusion.”
As I see it, if deGrasse Tyson is correct, there would be nothing unwitting about the alien conclusion. It would be spot on.
So the big question is – if we can’t save ourselves, what do we do to capture the imagination and charity of those more evolved aliens?
If we are going to right this ship, it’s going to take a whole lot of us to recognize that a shift in priorities must take place in order for the birds and bees and other things, like our kids, to survive.
In short, it’s time for the smart to wrest control of the planet from the numbskulls and facilitate some much-needed evolution. And yes, I’m talking to people like you, Bill and David Koch, and companies like you, Chevron and McDonald’s. We need you to stop being such assholes or go get your own planet where you can pillage and plunder to your little black hearts’ content. Are you so stupid that you fail to see that your money is useless in a world where so much is so wrong? Your way of thinking and being are extinct. Or at least they should be before we all follow the dinosaur into oblivion.
My call for mass intellectual power aside, I have to acknowledge that we may have already missed our chance and have been given the celestial “thumbs down.” It could be that we are now in the process of closing up our planetary shop, much like mattress stores do when they liquidate their inventory after formally going bankrupt. Sadly however, in this reporter’s opinion, we have nothing quite as redeeming as a pillow-top adjustable mattress to offer the rest of the universe as we shut down what’s left of earth. Unless you consider our innate ability to coerce masses of people into believing there is some sort of judgmental god out there deciding on who is worthy of his acceptance. In that case, we have much to share.
Until we can show them we are capable of doing it ourselves, I don’t think we can count on universal intervention anytime soon. And if we don’t change? Like I said, the end is near.
For this week, I’m over and out.