• author
    • Shannon Mortenson

      Columnist
    • April 2, 2015 in Columnists

    Time well spent

    I’ve always hated to be bored. “Life’s too short to ever be bored,” they say. It’s an inevitable feeling that touches everyone at some point or another, but it’s what you do with that time that defines if it’s wasted or not. Since I’ve been unemployed, my time is… plentiful. In my case, it’s been mildly beneficial in the sense that I have taken the time to learn about new things like government conspiracies, war crimes and how to make coffee.

    After applying to seven thousand different jobs, what is there to do? I learned how to roast a chicken, because apparently plopping a full chicken on a cookie sheet and throwing it in the oven is not the proper way. I’ve watched about ten Holocaust documentaries, come up with two inventions, neither of which I can remember and learned that a school bus is buried below my property.

    I planned a fake vacation, (Maldives. It was fabulous.) I lost five pounds, and counted the cracks in the living room ceiling. I accidentally bleached a shirt and ruined three dinners. I ran into my sister at the grocery store and she made it awkward. I’ve been to the ER three times for sciatica flare-ups, probably from all the snow shoveling and room painting I’ve gotten done.

    For the past two months, I’ve been nursing my boyfriend back to health from an ACL replacement — I’ve been the maid, the chef, the chauffeur, the nurse, the secretary, the DVD changer, the shower supervisor (ooh la la), the dog walker and taker-outer, the sock matcher, the grocery shopper, the dish washer, the gas pumper and the stylist. I befriended a beagle who is not house trained. I started couponing, got health insurance and started writing a stand-up comedy routine. (I’m hilarious!)

    I’ve thought about how much I miss Shark Week approximately five times, junked my car, gotten a free hoodie, called my Grandpa a few times, started a new painting, found a long lost pair of boots, started a few fires (in a fireplace — relax), had to jump in a dumpster (long story), tripped over a moose antler about twenty times last week (why do I have a moose antler? I’ll never tell — muwaahahaha), ate one cannabis gummy bear, watched six hilarious movies, made a dentist appointment and learned about Huntington’s disease.

    I also learned about Twilight Knowledge, which is awesome and everyone should Google it. I got in zero arguments with my Mom (smiley face), thought of a new way to smuggle drugs through an airport and started using a tinted moisturizer. I almost got dumped in a big fight last weekend (didn’t, though…) and found a new split-end treatment to try. I tried my first enchilada, cut my finger and didn’t get stitches (prrrrrrobably should have…), came up with new names for all the animals, had a few paranormal experiences and yet somehow I have still neglected to color my grays and file my taxes.

    At least I’ve started writing again.

     

     

     

     



    • Welcome back! We’ve missed you! Going to google Twilight Knowledge now…


      • Kat

      • April 2, 2015 at 9:09 am
      • Reply

      oOoo my little Grasshoppa this makes my heart sing.



      • Thanks ladies. Im pretty proud of this one. The last sentence took forever. I deleted the conclusion 3 times before I decided that one lil sentence was all it needed. BAM! I’m like the Emeril of words! <3


      • Kathleen Brotherton

      • April 4, 2015 at 9:09 am
      • Reply

      I love the ending! Pow BAM POW!



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