Tough women vs. freaky women
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: “The town of Winters, California has the best looking women west of the Mississippi.” Take for example the fine looking specimens on the front page of this week’s Winters Express. (July 11, 2013) Not only are they pleasing to the eye, they’re pretty smart too.
Of course I’m speaking of Patty Rominger and Melanie Bajakian Pickerel, two of the leading ladies of our little community. I know for a fact that they are a testament to the indomitable spirit of women and their ability to rise above any obstacle that stands in their way. Fine women, yes indeed they are, but are they tough enough?
I have to ask this question because in just a few days the women of the “Freaky Family” are coming to town. This year the family will hold their annual reunion in our little community. I call them the Freaky Family because they are so perfect. Perfectly loving, caring, generous, and just about anything else you could think of. These people never fuss and fight, and they’re so nice that it freaks me out sometimes.
When I married into the family, I found that I was the only normal person in the whole clan. It took me 10 years to find that they are the genuine article and there’s nothing phony about any of them. I kept waiting for them to start feuding and gossiping like the rest of us but it just never happened. See what I mean — Freaky Family.
There is a quote by somebody, I don’t remember who, that reminds me of all of these women. It goes like this: “Stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be.” If I had to give you an example of the type of women these ladies are, it would be the little Vietnamese woman in the film, “Full Metal Jacket,” the most realistic film about the war in Vietnam that I’ve ever seen.
Anyway, my point is that this little Vietnamese woman brought the American war machine to a halt with only an AK47 to bear. The young woman single-handedly brought the war back to the Americans and put the fear of God deep within the hearts of a whole platoon of tough Marines. That’s the way it goes with real women. You mess with them and you can bet that eventually they will mess with you.
I tell you about all of this because I have had another brilliant idea that can make us all rich beyond our wildest imaginations. It’s so simple, I don’t know why I didn’t think of it before. I’d be willing to say that we could make a considerable amount of money which would be split up evenly amongst us, after I deduct my expenses, of course.
Money, money, money, money!
I propose we have a boxing match between the women of Winters and the women of the Freaky Family. I think I can make up a bunch of lies to make them dislike each other enough to want to duke it out like pirates on the open seas. I would have to be the referee, looking all good in my little short shorts. Of course I’d have to wear a girdle so no one would see my big belly.
Ha Ha, that’s a joke.
We could set up a ring right on the corner by the Buckhorn Restaurant with banners and streamers flowing in the wind. There would be cheerleaders and the high school marching band and oh my, it would be grand. I’ll bet the governor and the whole House of Representatives would come to see an evening of great boxing and they would pay good American money at that.
Oh, and we could get the Pickerels to give out free steaks from the Buckhorn and the Rominger family could bring barrels of free Rominger wine. It’s the good stuff too! Mmmm, tasty! There will probably be millions of people so let’s say, oh, $5 each — wow that’s a lot of money! Woohoo! That would probably be well over $100,000. Oh, we could charge for parking too! Maybe even put up a toll booth at the old bridge.
Man, my mind is working like a well-oiled steel trap! We have to get hot on setting this up because the women of the Freaky Family will be here in just a matter of days. I guess that Patty and Melanie had better get their crew together. I suggest that Debra DeAngelo, Libby Earthman, Rebecca Fridae, and Carol Scianna would put on an excellent boxing match in the big ring for Team Winters.
So there it is, the women of Team Winters vs. the women of the Freaky Family. It’s all set up as far as I’m concerned. All that remains is for our City Manager, John Donlevy, to get hot and set up everything before it’s too late. Oh, it’s gonna be grand!
I can’t wait!