Twelve simple rules for becoming great
Ever wonder how I got to be such a great guy? Well, I’m here to tell you that it was indeed, not easy. After all, as hard as most will try, they will never have it all like I do. I mean I have the whole package.
I have been known by many names, each of which suits me perfectly. There are some that call me “Bog wan Don.” Others know me as “Ghost” because I’m so pale and smart looking.
I always tell people to call me “Ophthalmology Guy” because I love turtles and lizards so much. I keep a room in my house with a sign on the door saying, “Ophthalmology Guy’s Laboratory.” This is where I perform my experiments that will correlate with my thesis paper so I can get my doctorate, which I plan to work on as soon as I complete my AA degree.
I can’t talk too much about my lab because it is “Top Secret,” and it says so on another sign just below the other sign. I will tell you I am experimenting with turtles and cats and how they have interchangeable heads. I have completed my first “Cathead Turtle” and will soon be finished with the “Turtle-headed Cat.” I think the former may be evil and the latter retarded.
Anyway, I’m getting off subject, just as many brilliant people do when they talk about themselves. So, the question is, “How do you get as great as I am?” “Rules” is your first clue. The second is “List.” I’ll make it easy for you because the people who read my column are not known as great thinkers. If you put the two clues together you will have a “Rules List.” Simple, is it not?
I live by rules, 12 to be exact, and I do them every day. Here they are:
1. I go to bed at exactly the same time every day, sometimes at 10 p.m. and sometimes at 11 p.m.
2. I get up at different times during the night and go to the post office to check my mail. This insures that I can do pretty much what I want. I could even rob the bank some night and get away with it. If I am spotted by the police and they call it in on the dispatch radio they will be told, “Oh he’s just checking his mail.”
3. I do not engage in conversations with those I consider “below me.”
4. This simple rule tells me that every single thing that may be bad in nature is someone else’s fault. This rule is capable of making you very sad if not followed on a daily basis.
5. I, as a rule, will never accept the consequences of my actions.
6. I will enjoy the rewards of my work because I am my own greatest fan and no one can appreciate me like I do. (I’m like, “The Man.”)
7. I stop and think for 30 minutes every morning. This is best done while sitting on the toilet with some coffee and a couple of doughnuts. I have found that any more than 30 minutes on the toilet will give you Toilet Seat Polio.
8. If I spot someone with a handicap, I will run them down and bring it to their attention. For example, should I see someone with no arm, I will say, “Hey bud, do you need a hand?”
9. I will not stop until I have discussed the handicaps of one million people in my open and honest way.
10. I will always keep the inner child alive within me and bring it to the attention of everyone.
11. I will always be aware that this is my life, so if you are going to be mean to me, get out of it.
12. All day long, I will add things to my “To-do List” and then the next day I will work on the next list.
These are just a few of my 347 daily rules to follow, one for each day. You can purchase the complete list of rules in the near future when I get my Ph.D. in applied science, or maybe if I ever get on TV you might see them there.
For now I’ll say, “Bon Appetite!”