Uncle Matt talk’n Hollywood smack
Firstly, what’s up with Robin Thicke? His songs are mostly about sex, raunchy sex; he cheats on his wife, and then decides to try to get his wife back not only through groveling but by also naming his new album after her. I believe he suffers from a medical condition called “pussy-whipped jerk-off.”
No wonder your wife left you, Robin. Are you a fucking rock star or are you some sort of little girl? Look, I’m not saying he’s allowed to bang anything with two legs. I would just point out that the reason why your husband or boyfriend isn’t cheating on you is because he has no options to do so. You married a toad and in your delusional mind, he is your prince. Meanwhile, Robin Thicke can’t walk 30 feet without panties being thrown at him. That’s a good way to get hepatitis.
Meanwhile, here’s one for you animal lovers.
That idiotic “dog whisperer” Cesar Milan was attacked by a “troubled” dog. Thank Christ he was attacked. I don’t like animal lovers and I especially hate this douche-gobbler who thinks he can communicate with dogs. Guess what, pal: The dogs had enough of your bullshit. Welcome to the rebellion. You just got Cujo’ed and I couldn’t be happier for his suffering. There are a few more motherfuckers on Animal Planet that I hope get mauled by a lion or a cougar soon.
If the cougar is still in her 40s and still has her figure, I have a special cougar sanctuary. I’m an expert in cougars who were recently divorced.
In all seriousness, what the hell is a troubled dog? Do we say “troubled” like Robert Downey Jr. was troubled for a while? Did the dog have a cocaine problem and just ransack porn actresses like Charlie Sheen (my hero)? Maybe we can send the dog to rehab and the dog can do boring PSAs about how drugs are bad and how the dog had no fun fucking all those bitches (female dogs not the other kind).
My wordplay never lets me down.
Look, if the dog is really that troubled, you give the dog the Michael Vick treatment. Michael Vick was never attacked because he doesn’t play. Understand?
Anyways, I hope Cesar Milan gets better.
Meanwhile, rumors are swirling that Beyonce and Jay-z aka “Jigga What? Jigga Who?” are going to breakup. I am going to make it official: Beyonce is dumping Jay-Z. How do I know? Look, Beyonce and I have had this animalistic passion for years and years ever since her Destiny’s Child days. Then, her and I started fighting because she was obsessed with the good sex I give her. So in an act of defiance and girl-power. she decided to leave me an in an act of “de-honkyfing” her vagina (her words) and got involved with Young Hova aka Jay-Z. Lo and behold, a year after their wedding, I get these texts from Beyonce saying “Are you up?”
I’m not sure if Beyonce is in love with me, but her vagina isn’t a honky-free zone anymore. Know what I mean? So what if I broke up their marriage? I don’t love her, I just satisfy her like no other entertainer or musician ever has.
No one makes love like a writer who has zero readership or future.
Let’s get out of Beyonce’s snatchola for a second and talk about that walking pussy Robin Thicke again. I honestly just wanted to call him a puss-puss one last time.
Help me understand this next piece of Hollywood gossip.
I had no idea that Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were a couple. Here I am, all happy for Ryan Reynolds to come out of the closet and being with that country singer who’s on “The Voice.” Then I realize that I confused Blake Lively for Blake Shelton. To add insult to injury, Blake Lively is a chick I never heard of and Blake Shelton is apparently not gay. Of course, in my mind I’m still screaming “bullshit!” because I’m still putting Blake Shelton’s face next to Ryan Reynold’s face, then his penis, then… What can I say? Save a horse — ride a closeted cowboy? I know Blake Shelton isn’t gay, but he doesn’t exactly pass the sniff test. My gaydar is lit up like the Christmas tree at Rockafeller Center.
I was absolutely confused by this story like when I watched that movie “Inception.”
For the purposes of not being sued, Blake Shelton is allegedly not gay and Blake Lively is allegedly a woman you would want to date. No wonder Ryan Reynolds and I are confused.
Speaking of annoying TV.
Eight seasons of “The Big Bang Theory” have passed and I’m still waiting for something funny to crawl out of that show’s ass. Who wants to watch eight seasons of nerds acting awkward? My nerd friends aren’t awkward. My Transformer collection isn’t awkward or weird. My robots love me and if you wanna love me — love me like how Megatron loves me. Anyways, Nerf guns, comic books, fanfic, video games and other facets of nerd culture, and this show is as funny as a diagnosis of cancer. Anyways, get ready for another FANTASTIC season. At least that have that blond chick, whatever her name is. That’s the only reason why I watch that show, in the dark, and with the volume down and Lionel Ritchie blasting.
I’ve been alone with you
Inside my mind
And inside my dreams I’ve kissed your lips
A thousand times
Is it me you’re looking for?
to be continued…..