VALENTINE’S DAY – A Survival Guide For Men
According to Wikipedia, on February 14, 1929, seven men were lined up against the rear inside wall of a garage at 2122 North Clark Street, and executed. The killings were blamed on a turf battle over liquor and allegedly carried out by Al Capone’s gang. Because of the date, the mass murder has become infamously known as the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.
But there is another theory – my theory. I think these seven men forgot to get their special lady friends any cards, chocolates or other signs of affection. Rather than go home to face the wrath of their women, they agreed to let Capone’s men line them up single file and save them from a fate worse than death by Thompson sub machine gun.
Why do I believe this? Consider the lone survivor, Frank Gusenberg. After being hit with 14 bullets, when police asked who shot him, he replied “Nobody shot me”. Now if that isn’t a man trying to elude the long arm of a woman holding a frying pan, I don’t know what is. Gusenberg died three hours after the shooting, never having to explain why he didn’t show up at home with a heart-shaped box of See’s candies. Hell, for all we know, Gusenberg may have shot himself more than a dozen times as a way of proclaiming his utter disdain for a holiday that was invented by a bunch of weasels in the ivory tower of the Hallmark Greeting Card Company.
Let’s face it. Virtually every man has anguished over Valentine’s Day. Several have tried to elude the societal pressure of having to eat an $85 prix fix menu of Chicken Cordon Bleu, soggy broccoli and sub standard Strawberries covered in chocolate as a way of proving their undying love. Few have succeeded.
Most of us stagger around malls on February 13th like the undead trying to figure out what says, “I love you” without forcing complete liquidation of one’s personal bank account. And God forbid you should have a friend who goes all in like some drunken Midwesterner at a craps table in Las Vegas. Those men who spend everything on diamonds, roses, Godiva truffles and such are nothing but miscreants whose soul purpose is to show up the rest of us who prefer to show our affection during the other 364 days of the year.
Just knowing these self-serving psychopaths is an eminent threat and could lead to full scale nuclear war in your own domicile should your own lady friend get wind of what he’s spent on his significant other.
Disassociate yourself from all men who drop more
than $29.99 on Valentine’s Day.
They are nothing more than a menace to society.
So what should you get or do in order to save your own hide? Is it absolutely necessary to buy some unfathomably gargantuan teddy bear wearing a pink vest that has, “Be mine” embroidered on it? Fuck no!
There is a small loophole in the Valentine’s Day codebook that allows every man to craft something with his own two hands and have that item stand up suitably against all criticism. Why? Because nothing says, “I love you” more than a gift that you actually took the time and effort to make.
Side note: Diamonds from Tiffany do say, “I love you” more than
anything you can make. Unless you can make diamonds.
But we’ll keep that tidbit of info on the down low.
Remember when you were in elementary school and you made construction paper cards for your mom? She loved the shit out of those things. There’s no reason to believe your special lady friend won’t respond in the same positive way. The only thing you need to do is step up your crafting skills with a more grown up message. And there’s no better way to get things rolling down the right track than by infusing a little humor.
Writing a message that tells your lady friend you want
to get nasty with her for six straight hours
is more grown up but isn’t particularly humorous
and may not be appreciated. If it is well-received, congratulations!
Here’s my recommendation. Write a sonnet. Nothing is going to show your love more than 14 lines of iambic pentameter. It did wonders for Shakespeare’s credibility with the ladies.
Side note: Diamonds from Tiffany do show your love
more than 14 lines of iambic pentameter.
What? You aren’t up to writing a sonnet? No worries. A limeric is almost as good and does a pretty good job of infusing that note of humor I mentioned.
What? You can’t write a limeric? Again, don’t sweat it. I can be your ghost writer. So all you really have to do is go to an art store, by some red and pink construction paper, a glue stick and with a little effort you can deftly side step the overpriced meal, the limp roses and the cheap champagne.
Here’s the limeric for your card:
Other men buy their gals bling,
That really does not mean a thing,
But I took the time,
To write you this rhyme,
Which you’d rather have more than a ring!
And with that, I wish you well on your Valentine’s Day.
Editor’s note: Gary Huerta is the author of, “DIVORCE – A Survival Guide For Men”. It’s great reading material for those who choose to take any of his Valentine’s Day advice seriously.